Wrote this today, after a couple weeks musing on it. Biggest concern's structure and whether the references I've made to the story of Gilgamesh and Enkidu work well enough without familiarity to the story (which is, for anyone unfamiliar, an old Sumerian myth and one of the oldest recorded stories). Thanks in advance- Winchester Enkidu (tentative title) Though foes we were Through trial and battle Fate could not help but to cast us As friends and allies; together we stood Or at least once, in time long past For now you lay upon the floor Shattered and broken; a vase A friend and an ally no more Enkidu, Enkidu Why do good men die and the wicked live All at the twist of the gods’ whim? Enkidu, Enkidu A friend and an ally no more I lay beside what was left of you While the days blurred into nights For how could I think to move forward When good men die and the wicked live And friends and allies cease to be Enkidu, Enkidu How can I live when you die A friend and an ally no more?
It's kinda a classic war story, eh? And a thought that is pretty widely known "why do bad things happen to good people?" Cool poem!
Yeah, basically. It's just your standard hero's journey. Would recommend seeking out a good translation- a little bit of a stretch but you gotta give it some credit, for being one of the oldest stories it's not half bad. But yeah. Thanks.
In the quotes, I made a small edit that might help it a bit rhythmically. You don't necessarily need to go with that particular edit either. Just taking out one word can make it flow a little smoother. But other than that, excellent. That was honestly just me nitpicking.
That was a pretty good poem I liked it ^^ Sorry I don't have more insightful feedback, but I did enjoy reading
I like it. Being unfamiliar with all but the name of Gilgamesh, I was able to understand mostly what it was about. What really bugged me though was your descriptions. "Trial and battle", "friends and allies", and "shattered and broken" are all pairs of words which mean almost the same thing as each other. Poems are the most condensed written medium; there's no place for waste. Using two words to describe one thought would be better revised with a single, more suitable word or ones that convey a wider concept. I'm not saying you have to rewrite the whole thing, but maybe make some tiny changes like "leagues and battles" to suggest not only fighting but traveling over a great distance. That handily includes trials since this is back in the ancient heroic age. I guess friends and allies can stay because they are not necessarily mutually inclusive, but "shattered and broken" definitely needs to go also. You could imply a feeling of death by changing that part to "shattered and still". Whether or not Enkidu literally dies in the story is immaterial because I'm guessing the vase breaking can be a symbol of the broken friendship.
Yeah, I get that. Thanks. I'll keep that all in mind. It's kind of a bad habit of mine, honestly. I tend to use loads of synonyms in a lot of my pieces. (and yes- Enkidu dies. To give a little backstory, basically Gilgamesh is this cocky king, too big for his britches. The gods disapprove of his rather undivine behavior so they create a challenger to put Gilgamesh in his place. This challenger is Enkidu, a beast like man made of clay. Enkidu is sent down to earth and after learning how to be a man, challenges Gilgamesh. Like any good anime, Gilgamesh beats Enkidu and they become friends. Adventures ensue- in one chapter, they challenge and slaughter a giant. Enkidu dies while the pair battle a giant sky bull sent down by the goddess Ishtar, since Gilgamesh resisted her wiles. After he dies, Gilgamesh is spured on to seek out the secrets of immortality, which he ultimately never finds).
I don't know the first thing about poetry, but thoroughly enjoyed it. If it's not too much trouble, would you mind if I shared this with my ex? She's obsessed with Sumerian mythology, and especially Enki. Thanks!
Thanks. Applause is encouraging. Enkidu? Name of the companion. Still working on a full title but am thinking Gilgamesh's Mourning.
