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Online dating experiences

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gibson234, Apr 5, 2014.

  1. gibson234

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    About 90% of people reject me on online dating websites. Does anyone else have such high rejection rates? Even people who I'm really above (without trying to be arrogant) reject me. At the end of the day I'm ok looking person who is at good university and going somewhere in my life. So why do people who are okish looking and aren't going anywhere in their life think that they are above me?
     
  2. Carpe Noctem

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    I hope this answers your question
    [​IMG]
     
  3. gibson234

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    No it doesn't what do you mean? That seems to be an answer to internet trolls.
     
  4. Carpe Noctem

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    Well what I've noticed on internet dating apps and sites is that everyone is really rude, sometimes they even block you because they didn't like your picture. So insecure people who are "okish looking and aren't going anywhere in their life" will rudely reject you without hesitation whilst if you met them in person this reaction would be most improbable in my opinion.
     
  5. gibson234

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    Fair enough, I understand you now.
     
  6. BookDragon

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    Well I never seem to get as far as a proper rejection...I've only spoken to two people for more than 2 messages, and nothing is happening with either of them, so I'll chalk my experiences up to 100% rejection :slight_smile: So yes, I have experienced that! Moving on...

    Online dating has some issues that you can't iron out that will always make the experience more difficult.

    For starters, you have pictures. A LOT of people won't give you the time of day unless you are, by their standards, smoking hot. So that rules out some. There are a small amount who will give ANYONE a chance no matter what they look like in the pictures. Emphasis on the word SMALL. Then there are people like me, who would love to be able to say they'd give anyone a chance but know in their hearts it isn't true. Thing is, I know I'm not 'attractive' in the usual sense of the word, but I want to find someone who thinks I am. I don't personally want to date someone who is going to see me a few times hoping that either they will BECOME attracted to me at some point, or that I have other features that make up for my appearance. I don't want that. Equally, I would feel really weird about doing it to someone else. Why am I mentioning this? Because you could well be in the same boat as most of us. Stuck waiting for someone to be attracted to you.

    I'm not saying your unattractive, please don't think I'm trying to put you down, but you're in a setting where it's you, a handful of other people, and then a group of sexy guys looking for sexy guys, you're out of luck. So many people won't even bother on the off chance they can bag the sexiest one. Personality be damned!

    But let's say someone DOES end up on your profile. Your second big problem is that the internet loves to spread this idea that everyone lies on everything. The worst thing is, I'm sitting here thinking to myself that most people probably do even though my only evidence for thinking that is that it's a running joke in the world that everybody lies on their dating profile. I have NO reason to believe that...I don't, none of the people I've spoken to have...so why am I sat here thinking it MUST be true? Because people keep saying it's true and it gets in your head.

    Which means that when someone GETS to your profile, a good amount of those people are going to treat everything you've said as a lie waiting to be proven.

    I know on my profile I list my hobbies, and one of those is martial arts. But you look elsewhere on that same profile and you can see my 'body type' and a computer generated idea of how much I like exercise. According to the website I damn well HATE exercise. So to anyone who sees that, hates exercise, but apparently does martial arts. It's a red flag that I'm lying. I'm not. I started recently, I'm not very good each session is exhausting but I love it. But unless someone can get over that red flag and ask, they will never know.

    It's easy to assume people are lying about who they are, so the profiles don't necessarily help. In addition, I imagine at some point in your life you've heard someone describing themselves and had to hold back a laugh when they said something you thought they got wrong. Common ones are when you hear a girl saying "Oh I care about people" when 10 minutes ago she was pulling another girls hair and ripping the piss out of her weight, or a guy who says he's "athletic" when in reality he's just stick thin and plays half an hour of football every so often. So even if someone reads your profile, which is supposed to make up for the limiting nature of pictures it's not necessarily helping you!

    Third, you've got PEOPLE. You've met people before. How many people do you know who think they deserve the BEST OF THE BEST? People seem to come in 3 different mindsets.
    -I deserve the BEST OF THE BEST OF THE BEST
    -I deserve SOMEONE
    -I don't deserve anyone

    Now as it happens, EVERYONE deserves the best of the best. Nobody should have to settle for someone they don't really like because nobody else will take them. But most people don't think like that.

    Now think back to those people you DO know who think that way. Think of all those absolute idiots back in school, who despite looking like someone hit a rat with a shovel, insisted they were going to bang supermodels.

    See this is the problem. Everyone deserves the best of the best, everyone. BUT so many people have the same, misguided idea about what that means. For so many people the 'best of the best' is the one the most people find attractive. The one with the best abs. The one with the cleanest teeth or best hair or other things like that. The hottest.

    There are 2 things to consider here.
    1. Do you have those things?
    2. Do you really WANT to be with people who only WANT those things?

    Everyone has their own preferences and that's fine. To each their own. BUT a lot of people still seem to think that relationships have something to do with grabbing the 'hottest' person, instead of the 'best' person.

    Finally you have the biggest problem of all.

    Initiation is easier, and failure is more obvious.

    Think about it. You claim a 90% rejection rate at online dating and I'm pushing 100%. Now what does that say about us, are we destined to die alone?

    Once again, HELL NO.

    Think about it, you and I are going to go to a social event. BIG event, lots of people. EVERYONE is single, but the event has NOTHING to do with dating. In fact let's put numbers on it. 10,000 people. All of them pansexual. A few are trans. Equal numbers or male and female. Everyone is a stranger to everyone else.

    Now in this event, how many men are you going to approach?

    I can tell you how many people I'm going to approach. Basically none. There is a reason I'm doing online dating as opposed to the regular kind.

    But lets assume you are going to approach a few. Now you've got nearly 5000 guys there you could approach, but you're not going to go to all of them.

    Let's say you approach what...5? Is that a reasonable number before you just stop trying. I would have thought so.

    Now number 5 might go home with you, but that's still 4 rejections.

    Now put that online. Same numbers. You've got 5000 guys you could go to. Nobody is every going to know who you've messaged. What stops you from messaging 100 guys if you want. Nothing. You've got all the time in the world to message as many people as you could possibly want. The difference is that here people are SPECIFICALLY looking for dating.

    So we've made initiation easier. If we send a message and it doesn't get looked at, it's a lot easier to immediately deal with than going up to a guy, saying 'hey can I buy you a drink' and having him look down his nose and yell 'fuck off clean shirt'.

    But now we have a cumulative effect. If you went to a bar every week for a year (minus 2 for christmas!), hit on 3 guys each time and nothing really happened, you would probably feel a bit bad and question why, but you had fun at the club, you got something out of it at least. But that's 150 men you've hit on that all rejected you. But you're not going to think that. Instead you're going to think about how you went to this club 50 times and nothing happened!

    Now stick it online. You could message 150 guys in a day if you felt that way inclined, but lets assume you spread it out over the course of a year. Now you've not enjoyed sending messages, you were sat somewhere and thought "I'll give it a shot" because you were bored and alone, not because you were in a club and thought he was cute.

    At the end of this year, you look back and see 150 rejections. It hits harder because you've got 150 solid rejections and nothing to show for it, instead of 50 trips to the club and nothing to show for it. Doesn't matter that you tried the same number of guys, online it feels worse because its OBVIOUS to you just how many times it didn't work. That hurts!

    Thing is you've got to think about online dating differently. You've got to treat it like you would everything else. Imagine it's real life.

    Next time you send someone a message, do it, but imagine you'd just walked up to them in the street. If you go to someone in the street and say "Hey how are you" how many times does that end up in lasting friendship? Rarely. You will probably never see that person again. That's not a failure on your part nor is it a rejection, it's just a reality.

    If you spoke to every person in your city and said "Hey how are you" the chances are most of them wouldn't even respond to that question, or would give you an answer and leave. Again, not a reflection on you or them, just a reality.

    At least, that works for me.
     
  7. Carpe Noctem

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    Anyway try reading their profiles try seeing if you match their description of what they're looking for: If they're looking for athletic guys and you're skinny or if they're looking for tops and you're a bottom it's quite unlikely that you won't get rejected.
    Also don't be so optimistic about guys with the body of Brad Pitt, they usually have very high standards or are fake profiles anyway.
    Try also to have a face pic showing, people are sick of faceless profiles speaking to them (which is quite creepy actually) so maybe that's why they reject you(?) If you have a face pic showing then you're certain that someone who texted you first is interested in you and you're less likely to get rejected:slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 5th Apr 2014 at 12:28 PM ----------

    Oh wow the poster above me kind of said it all I think :lol:
     
  8. CuteZhemn

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    Yeah can understand what you are going throught. hope you good luck. Sometimes we find the one when we dont expect it or try to find.
     
  9. C P

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    Hell to the yeah, and it seems to be a racial thing with me more than anything. To a lesser extent something else but most of those tend to be a combo as well.

    I'm damn well between that and 100%, though likely closer to the latter(lost count).

    What makes it somewhat amusing is how, as stated before, a good amount are liars. A big example is when someone claims they are open to making new friends and are sweet, etc. yet dismiss you like anybody else(when looks really shouldn't matter for what could be a simple, enjoyable chat at the least).

    That first part is a good way to avoid to it, however I have to disagree on the second thing a bit.

    Yeah, it'd be creepy for some random, faceless profile to start sexually talking to you or something along those lines but that leads to a huge misconception about faceless profiles.

    I'm not talking about the guy who's just sleeping/creeping around on the down low; I'm talking about those who are closeted so are pretty much forced to turn to something like that as a hopeful outlet(since it allows you to reach out, yet retain some anonymity), thus not having a pic up for their own reasons. Plenty of them are more than willing if they feel you are a nice enough person.

    Speaking to a faceless profile doesn't have to feel/isn't creepy, it's just those rotten apples who ruin it for everyone.


    Also, Ellia has a somewhat interesting way to look at it.
     
    #9 C P, Apr 5, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2014
  10. gibson234

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    The problem with faceless profiles is that you have to be at least a bit attractive to someone you date. And if you go on a date without even knowing what they look like it would be really awkward if you weren't at all attracted to them.
     
  11. C P

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    "Plenty of them are more than willing if they feel you are a nice enough person".

    ^ That's why I threw in that part; I was referring to them showing you a picture. I doubt you'd consider meeting up with someone without an idea of what they look like at all anyways, for various reasons.

    Speaking to someone who has a faceless profile does not have to be as troublesome as so many are making it out to be, especially if said person isn't giving you a reason to think they are some creep otherwise.
     
  12. stocking

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    Not yet but a lot of women have been eyeing my page even though i don't have a picture up I hope when I do put a picture a few girls respond
     
  13. anaisninja

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    It's possible they think you are out their league. Seriously.

    I've been trying online dating for the past couple of months and it's really tough. I am pretty average looking. I'm okay with that. I'm a realist. I only contact women who look like they are in my ballpark. I delete lots of "pretty" femmes because that's not what I'm into.

    Have you asked for feedback on your profile from your friends who really know you?
     
  14. gibson234

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    I would love to believe that it's because they think I'm out of their league but I can't quite believe that lol. I would struggle to find a friend to look at my profile most people don't even know I'm gay.
     
  15. thrnvlpidj

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    I was rejected for looking too good and I'm not really good-looking. I wondered if that person was just extremely polite with rejections.
     
  16. BornAnew

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    I think rejection is a mixture of people who think you aren't in their league and then people who think you're way out of their league. Lot's of people reject for the latter reason to feel a sense of control as they are afraid of being rejected themselves. I've definitely done the latter a lot...I've felt like saying no to someone before I'm rejected is "safe" or rejecting them if they're way too good for you is just easier than again being rejected haha.

    Unfortunately this means two people who might actually be very compatible might perceive each other as unattainable for whatever reason! I'm hoping this kind of stuff is just something we all grow out of!
     
  17. emc2

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    Has anyone here had any success in finding the one using online dating? And why do they need your photo for connection purposes? Why can't we just get to know each other more without visuals? That way we'll know if we are meant for each other on a personal level.
     
  18. Bolt35

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    if you want a relationship and want it on a personal level, you're better off not using the dating sites.
    i've had my shared experiences with them. i met a quite a few guys hooking up and only ONE with an actual date.
    i've had guys admitted to me that i was only hot, and just wanted more pics, name it, i've gotten a lot of responses and it sucks even more. people can really be a bit rude sometimes.
     
  19. An0n

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    I've been contemplating using dating sites but I'm just not sure. I consider myself average looking so don't expect much attention, but even then, can I really be bothered with dating right now? I work a rotating roster of unsociable shifts, I don't make time for friends after having grown distant because my ex didn't get on with them, I have an ex whom I support because she doesn't have a job and appears reluctant to get one (which makes me think that if I try dating maybe she'll make an effort to find a job so it gives me more freedom to date), etc etc.

    Does anyone here think it's worthwhile having an online dating profile?
     
  20. PatrickUK

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    Gibson, you haven't mentioned the names of the websites in question, but some are pretty bad and should really be called casual sex sites, rather than dating sites

    With online dating, I think you need to be very clear about what you want and don't compromise on your non-negotiables. You need to be flexible, to a point, but you also need to set your markers and maintain your integrity.

    I met my partner online, so it can work out well, but you do need to play the game a bit. I had my share of disasters too and could have got quite despondent about it, but I had enough self respect to say to myself "your loss".

    If it's not working for you on your existing sites, don't be afraid to try others.