As some of you may be aware of, there are a myriad of "gay-themed" apps that allow anything from seeking out a hook-up to, dating, friends or networking. If you were in a relationship, would you expect your partner to give these apps up (usually these are downloaded to ones phone)? Even though you may be on there for networking and friends, you still get propositions for hookups and it just seems like a temptation. If your partner wanted it merely for "friends and networking," would you be okay with it? I downloaded one (just to see what they're like) and even though I specified I am in a relationship and only looking for area friends and networking, I still get messages wanting more or more sadly, "I am lonely, would you like to meet" :icon_sad: I just don't see how once being in a relationship maintaining such apps are conducive to a healthy trusting relationship. My partner wants the apps for "friends." :help: Now I am being guilted into a position where he feels I don't want him to make friends. This is not the case. I just do not like apps like this within the context of a relationship. But as it goes, if you "demand" someone to stop doing that which they do not want to stop, you are placed in a "resented" category. So, it is a catch-22.
He has met someone, without telling me. I found out after the fact. Do you find that acceptable? If you've nothing to hide, why not tell me beforehand you're going to meet a new friend and would like to hangout? I feel I should even be extended an invitation to hangout, too (and whether I decide to should be up to me). I did not include this in my original post, but this is some additional information. Why "hide" your "friend"?
I agree with you on this one. Usually hiding something is a symptom of guilt. But then again maybe its nothing? If it gets too much for you to deal with or it is affecting your relationship, then the healthiest ting to do is talk
Well, I myself have had some problems with my bf regarding this. The thing is we met through that very same app, and we never agreed on not using it anymore but once we started officially going out I thought that was the right thing to do. Some time later I found out he was still using the app, confronted him and he denied it all. Decided to "trust" him. However since that incident I started to log in once in a while to "check on him" and started to talk to some people myself, then it was him discovering me and you can imagine that didn't go well. So in the end we both decided not to use them anymore for ANY porpuses since as you said very well yourself, they have no place in any healthy trusting relationship. And to answer your question, yes, I do think most people would expect their partners to give these things up.
One does not use apps of the sort to make friends. Period. Nobody (ok, maybe 1 person in 10000) is genuinely on these apps for friendship. Friends with benefits, maybe but not friends. The fact he's pressuring you, not concerned about your feelings, and going behind your back is a clear indicator to me that there's a lack of transparency and authenticity. If he's not willing to be open and talk about your concerns, really hear them, and work with you to address them... Then I think you need to seriously reconsider what this relationship means. If he genuinely wants friends there are a bazillions ways to find them that don't involve using these apps.
I think Chip pretty much hit the nail on its head. If one is genuinely seeks friends, one does not need an app to do so, nor should one us an apps for the reason that Chip mentioned. How do you feel about speaking with your boyfriend about it, and laying it all out as were?
So much this. Not that I have any experience with dating apps but this is how I feel on this very subject.
You know... in ordinary circumstances, I'd have said "well, maybe your boyfriend really is just the rare exception! You should have an honest discussion!" But then... I took a quick look through your thread history, and I do feel a more firm approach with your boyfriend will be needed. As a starting opinion: I don't think there is such a thing as " a gay relationship" or "a straight relationship". There's only "a relationship with person X". And while some relationship experience carries over from one into the next, the exact terms of how the relationship functions are to be negotiated, every time you get into a new one, and sometimes at multiple intervals during one. That doesn't mean you have to draw up a contract, or even sit down to hammer them out. But when in doubt, things need to be discussed openly, as equals, and any agreements need to be honoured. Why am I stating the above so categorically? Because I really think you're being guilted into accepting terms you're not comfortable with. Essentially, what you're being pushed into believing is "Oh, well, dating apps and secrecy and having the occasional guy on the side is just the standard in gay relationships! Anyone disagreeing with that is an odd one, and should stop fighting against nature!" While, in the end, you're not dating "the gay world". You're dating this one guy. And maybe some statistics say 99% of gay people have a lover on the side, but what of it? You're not dating 99% of gay people. This is your relationship and you have 50% of the say of what goes on. Now, your boyfriend is not exactly keeping his part of the deal, here. He said repeatedly in the past that he isn't interested in other guys. Meanwhile, he's giving every proof that he is. Apps, hanging out and evading questions, that one guy who dashed out of your house without explanation... all proof enough. Yeah, you may not have walked in on him in the middle of the act, but I'd say you've seen enough of the smoke to recognise the fire. So, if you ask me, the time for talk about "what is your opinion on not entirely closed relationships?" is over. You've repeatedly tried careful approaches of "let's maybe-kinda-sorta talk about this". And you've been met with lies and evasion. The next step (again, if you ask me) really should be laying the cards on the table. That doesn't necessarily mean breaking up. But it does mean saying "Hey. I can take many things, but I won't be taken for a fool here! I know you're seeing other guys on the side. This is a fact as plain as day. I'm not here to break up with you over it, but I can't bear the whole secrecy and guilt thing. So instead of this pretending, let's start from that, and figure out how we go from here!" Of course, he can persist in the lie. That it's all a horrible misunderstanding and you're the unreasonable one and that's simply how all gay relationships work etc... the same old excuses you had over and over again. In that case, I do really think it might be best to take distance, even to the point of separation. Then again, it might be the start of at least one honest conversation. Where that leads? I don't know. You'll have to work that one out between the two of you. But honestly, either option is better than feeling horrible and guilty about feeling horrible at the same time! And, of course, even if the above may sound harsh... all of us are still here to support you and talk about it, if you feel that helps! (*hug*)
No, I do not think that someone who is part of a committed partnership can be on these applications at all while being conducive to a healthy relationship.
I had forgotten about the previous discussion around open relationships. I completely agree with Filip, and I'll go a step further: You deserve better. I don't think you're going to get authenticity out of this relationship, and I don't think your partner is going to be agreeable to much of anything. If he does, I don't have faith that he would be acting authentically. So honestly if it were me, I'd be ready to be done with this relationship. You deserve better, and you can do better.
