"In trying to be both, it ultimately becomes neither." This is a phrase I've encountered largely in the realm of art criticism. Yet, it seems to accurately encompass a neurosis I occasionally have about being bigender and bisexual. (Although I suppose technically I am pansexual.) Sometimes I wish strongly that I were resolutely one gender only and/or either simply, outright straight or gay (latter especially these days), rather than what I am. Because it's difficult to escape the fear that (relating to the phrase) by being "both", I'm essentially "neither". KWIM? It's a sense of belonging thing, if I haven't made that explicit enough. And it's also genuineness, since that's also a thing that preoccupies me. I so often feel like I am a phony and I just can't abide that. /neurosis end
Allow me to point out the fundamental difference between art criticism and your life. "In trying to be both, it ultimately becomes neither." You're not TRYING to be both, you ARE both. Let's consider sexuality. You and I are both pansexual. But what does that mean exactly? It means we both have a potential to love someone of any gender. We aren't attempting to do anything. We aren't attempting to BE anything. You're not trying to be straight and gay at the same time, in fact that would be impossible. With gender it is much the same. You aren't trying to be one gender or the other, you just ARE.
Are my feelings real? I am honestly not sure. Often I feel simply like an actor carrying out a role written by someone else. It's weird, maybe, but this thing in my brain tells me at varying times "you are gay" or "you are straight". Or "you are male" or "you are female". But it doesn't hardly ever seem to tell me "you are bi/pan" or "you are bigender". When I say I am bi/pan or bigender, maybe it is a simple "averaging" of these messages. But does it genuinely make me bi/pan or bigender? I dunno. I know what my inclinations are--I like both guys and girls, although in quite different, somewhat dissimilar ways; and I like enjoying being male sometimes, while immersing completely in being female at other times--but I'm still not sure how genuine this all is. My greatest fear is that this is simple fetishism, which would basically make my whole identity a lie. I don't know. I don't know. "In trying to be both, it ultimately becomes neither." ---------- Post added 18th Apr 2014 at 05:57 PM ---------- Ellia, seems like you are nearly always giving the best advice on this forum. I have had strong feelings for people of both genders (although, as yet, the same-sex experience is far more limited). If nothing else, I suppose this proves something--what exactly, I wonder? Does it mean that I am pan or simply that I am demi? Or both? Dunno, it feels like nothing about my life or personality is easily figured out or classified. I realize that many in the community embrace such a paradigm. Maybe I just had too much of a binary upbringing...
