SOO Lonely After Coming Out

I'm no hope in the after coming out arena.... only people who know are online peeps and myself..... still lonely myself.

 

I was lonely and depressed since losing my job in October. Subconsciously, I have wanted to come out for awhile now, and I figured may as well make this a total reconstruction year in my life. New job(hopefully soon), better health, and honest relationships. I know it sucks, but you must ask yourself: is it worth living a lie?

 

Same here but I've been just out to friends

 

Im having a difficult time as well, except probably in a different way. I'm completely out. Everyone knows im 'not straight,' but they dont get the whole 'i dig the chicks, i dig the dicks, I dig everything between, around, upside down- I like people.' And everyone knows about the 'not straight' part. And i dont care.
But no one wants to date a girl whos attracted to pans, or pots, or cookingware or whatever. (Practically all of them have an iphone. 2 minutes. 2 minutes is all it takes to look up pansexuality.)

 

I'm feeling the same my friend. Feel free to message anytime. Never mind relationships, I barely even have friends, lmao.

 

I've always been a loner throughout most of my life and sadly still am in real life but I don't want to ever give up on love. I know the right guy for me is out there somewhere but waiting for him to show up sucks, A LOT. I want to be held by him and such right now. But what you can do? I guess you just have to be real patient while keeping your head held high when you are trying to find that someone you can connect and fall deeply in love with.

In the meantime, the few close friends I have online are keeping me occupied. I came out to 3 of them yesterday and I'm so glad they didn't reject me.

 

It is not uncommon to feel alone when you first come out. And telling the young to be patient is...well, honestly fruitless...

Truth is, in time, if you reach out, you will connect with people around you. Having done this back in the AOL chat room days, long before we were as connected as we are now, I have to caution you to reach out in real life as opposed to doing so strictly online if you can. Online is great, but often the people you can touch, feel and find companionship with will end up being your greatest assets in the long run.

In time relationships will happen if you help make them happen. But you have to make them happen and not wait for them to fall on your door step. Go on some bad dates, chat up people that you think you might like to get to know. (even if they aren't gay). Be friendly, be yourself and most of all be honest with who you are.. All those things will help put you on a path that will help you find what you are looking for...

But.....you're going to have to have a little patience.

 

Even when I hadn't come out I wanted to be in a relationship. Now that the most important people know, I obviously feel more freedom on finding someone to love. The problem is that I expect him to appear, when I should be the one looking(not crazily of course) for him. If I sit quietly, be invisible like I've always been, then he will never be able to find me, don't you think? We have to put ourselves out to the world, this doesn't mean everyone needs to know I'm gay, it means taking time to meet new people and create new friendships.

For now we are on the same boat confuseduser99, but we can't let our boat be anchored forever, we need to let it ride the waves and see where it takes us.

 

Hopefully once college comes I'll be able to find some good friends.

 

I know you are not the clubbing type, so I won't suggest going to clubs and all that. I guess the best way is to approach people, be friendly, strike conversations, and in general be more outspoken. I say this but, like you, I'm not a fan of the partying atmosphere, and I'm not the most extrovert person, so we need to work. Nothing comes without a cost, in this case, we need to get out of our comfort zone and see what happens. It's like I always say, no one is going to reject a chance to make friends, only after getting to now each other they will then decide if this friendship is worth it or not.

 

Relationships are not going to come out of nowhere 90% of the time. If you are not the “in your face” kind of gay guy chances are that you will meet other gay people and never know about it. Many straight people struggle to get into a relationship and they are a more than 90% of the population. Don’t get me wrong, you will find gay people everywhere (in my experience) but if you jump on the very first gay guy you meet chances are that it is not going to work. For the very same reason that most straight relationships do not work. The fact you both are gay does not automatically make you compatible. In fact you are more likely to get into a wrong relationship and settle for it just because you feel the need to be in a relationship. Also life is usually harder for us and shame, internalized homophobia, lack of trust etc... can be very big problems. Been there, done that guys.

In certain sense, I think that everyone should aim to be happy being alone and independent. Just take your time to be completely out, to raise your self esteem (get new hobbies, learn new lenguages, get fit, whatever floats your boat really) and to become a better person. In your way to being happy as an individual you will probably meet people anyway. Getting into a relationship to avoid feeling alone or to solve other problems tend to be a recipe for disaster. I think when you don’t feel the need to be in a relationship is when you truly can find that person that complements you and gives you the possibility of building something together.

To get to know people you need to get yourself out there. You need to be social, do whatever activities you like. Getting into a relationship with someone you met clubbing is pretty unlikely anyway. Since I came out about two years ago I have joined the LGBT group at uni, the theatre group and dance classes. I have met quite a lot of guys, and been into some non-successful relationships that ended because the effort to make them work was outweighing the happiness that we were getting out of it. I used to desperately want to be in a relationship. Now I know for sure that I don’t want to be in a relationship unless I find someone special.

You hit the head of the nail with the getting out of comfort zone thing! I cannot even begin to describe how uncomfortable I felt the first couple of times I attended to the things I have mentioned. Funny thing is that many times you just have to convince yourself to be that brave person for some seconds, just enough time to get into the meeting room, sign for the classes, or whatever, and then just let things flow. its funny how quickly your comfort zone expands when you "though yourself into things"

 

All of this is very true!!! People tend to go for what they first find thinking they will not find anything else, and that is not true. That is why instead of looking to meet people to form a relationship, look for them to create friendships. I've learned that being friends first, and doing everything with that in mind, and not the "trying to make him love me" kind of mindset, will help a lot.

And yeah, you are right! We need to muster enough courage and braveness for a couple of seconds, because that is really all of the time we need. Once you get the courage to start a conversation, you don't need it anymore because you started it already, and now you just need to be yourself.

I hope this helps a bit confuseduser99

 

I just realized that even though my friend accepts me he doesn't understand. Also I feel trapped that I need to tell his fiancee.

Because yes although I'm "out" I'm not really. And I feel isolated and trapped. There are no LGBT groups, specifically trans ones that are easily accessible to me considering my work schedule.

I am feeling very lonely. Not for intimate relationships but for the ability to be me in front of others who know me.

I present female in public a lot and pass. But these people just see me as another person. I don't interact. I don't even interact when I'm male. The point is I feel very isolated in social settings too.

I totally understand where anyone is coming from in the LGBT community.

 

Ugh Kasey, I a sorry to hear that. Don't worry you are an strong woman and will find more people, keep trying to find things where you can socialize with your current working schedule.

Besides, the fact that you friend doesn't understand now doesn't men that she won't get it if you are patient and talk to her. I mean I have quite a few trans friends and it took me a little while to get it. I am sure if you have an honest talk with your friend and tell her how you feel things will get better nd she will empathize more .