My really bad attempt at satire

[HalfInsane]

Okay... so... I was bored. This is not my fault. However, I felt (for god knows what reason) like writing a piece of satire about gay marriage. It hasn't really been edited, and there was no planning prior to it being written, so forgive any mistakes... it's also demonstrates my poor attempt at humour. Ah well, for anyone feeling brave, read on.

Gay Marriage: Societies Greatest Threat

In the past years, there have been many issues that have come to the attention of the public. Environmental concerns, the result of an increase in outsourcing labour to other countries, the oil supply, the fact that double stuffed oreos still don’t have enough icing in them, and the debate over gay marriage. Now, you may be thinking “So what if gay people get married? It’s not like it’ll hurt anyone...” but you, my oh-so-ignorant friend, are wrong.

Allowing gay marriage will slowly lead to the crumbling of society, forcing us back into the stone age. You know why? Because that’s what all gay people want. We’ll all be running around nude, living in caves, without jobs, electricity, or -gasp- cellphone service. And with the loss of the cellphone, many will begin to experience what scientist call ACWS (acute cellphone withdrawal syndrome). Sufferers of this horrible affliction typically become completely deranged, and make strange vocalizations such as “Me no find bars!!! Where go bars!?!?!”. But I’m getting off track now. The point is, strong as our modern day society is, it is in no way capable of accommodating something so volatile as is gay marriage. Absolutely not. And don’t questions me on this, all the religious people who know the difference between up and down would agree.

It is also a huge fear that with gays being more open, some people will want to be like them, and will attempt to mimic their behavior. This will, of course, have a ripple effect on people. And as with the crumbling of society, that is what they want to happen. It’s a sick, sick form of mind control, there is no doubt. Beyond being a twisted manner of converting the masses, it will cause physical harm to many. For women, the instance of injuries resulting from power tools will be on the rise... that is, until power tools are no longer used due to the loss of electricity. After that point, it’ll be wounds from stone spears and those infamous pointy rock tools women will need to worry about. And the instances of wrist injuries to men will certainly rise, given that the average straight man is in no way capable of flamboyant hand gestures. Any attempts to sashay will also end horribly. And those are just obvious examples, the whole list is too long to write. So clearly, gay marriage threatens to cause bodily harm to the straight population and to result in us all being brainwashed.

And what of our beloved family structure that is so strong? The parents who are too busy working to see their kids, the divorce rates, the classical cheating husband/wife scenario, what will happen to all those things we hold so dear? The sanctity of marriage will be lost... raped, essentially. And how can we let the one thing that is still so strong and pure in our society go down the tubes? I mean sure, those kinds of things can most certainly happen with same sex marriages... but it just won’t be the same. What will a fight be between a couple without a man to play the role of the one who goes out and drinks after the fight? The wife who angrily throws the dishes at the walls? No, we can’t have that be ruined.

So now, I call you all to action. To fight this menace. To change our society for the better. Get a sharpie marker, scribble on a piece of paper “Gay marriage is gay” and wave it triumphantly over your head. Oppose the use of rainbows in children's programming (that’s how they convert them, you know). Join an anti-gay religious group and preach, in your self righteous way, about how homosexuality is a sin (because you, of course, would know). And most importantly, never vote for anyone who even dare consider legalizing gay marriage. With your valiant efforts, and those of others, there is still hope!

[Alexander]

hehe.

not bad.

but not convincing at moments.

[Trumpetplyer23]

This is pretty good, actually.

It could have been a bit better, though, no offence. I really did like it.

The sad part is I could see an anti-gay marriage person using some of these arguements, thinking they were actually 'fool-proof', haha.

[Amy]

LOL

its really good

[NathanHaleFan]

I think the key to good satire is to exaggerate the opposition's viewpoints and then present them matter-of-factly. You missed the exaggeration part-- much of it sounds exactly as they anti-gays would put it (admittedly humorous, but not satire).

You need to make the points sound absurd for it to work. Take a look at Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal." This was a great satire that tried to solve the problem of Irish children being a burden on society: sell them as food.