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25 and Confused

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Psychictv88, May 28, 2014.

  1. Psychictv88

    Regular Member

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    I am 25 years old and have been in one long-term relationship with a woman. I have had several short-lived relationships with men and women. I enjoy sex with women, but never fantasize about them when alone. I mostly fantasize about men, but I don't find men on the street attractive. Sex with men is okay, but I am not a fan of dating men because I find the constant sex uncomfortable.

    I have also been dealing with gender issues since I have been 7 years old. I am male-bodied, but have desired to be female for a very long time. I have privately cross dressed for over half of my life, but when I went to college I crossed dressed in public a lot. I was involved in the local punk scene which was very open to my queerness, but I was also a heavy drinker and did a lot of drugs.

    I came out as trans after experimenting heavily with psychedelic mushrooms. My parents found out and were shocked because I never let them or my twin brother know the way I felt. I had a mental breakdown after they found out. The mental breakdown was also a result of my 4 year drug and alcohol binge.

    After things calmed down I moved across the country to live with them. I have been living with them for a year and a half and have been isolated and experiencing extreme anxiety. I have been seeing a laser hair removal specialist for close to 2 years to remove my facial hair and it has worked. My hair is growing out, but I wear plain black male clothes because I feel so uncomfortable wearing feminine clothing around my Dad.

    I now have a decent job, a college degree, a car, and am moving out in August. I don't know how to date because I don't know if I like guys, girls, both, neither and if I should live as a man, woman, or a non-binary individual.

    I feel like the only reason I like men is so I can feel more girly. Feeling feminine turns me on and makes me feel good inside, but it also makes me feel horrible because of the fear of rejection and isolation. I am afraid of taking hormones because of the possible negative health effects, how it will change my sexual functionality, how people at work and in public will treat me, etc.

    I don't know how I could possibly date because of all of the unresolved sexual and gender issues that haunt me all day every day.

    My good friend thinks I have OCD that makes me fixated on sexuality and gender and I think she might be right.

    When I dated a woman, I was happy about having another person in my life, but she was a cis-gender heterosexual who didn't understand the many shades of grey of gender and sexuality. She felt threatened by it and harassed me about it.

    I just would like to feel stable in my identity, but don't know what I need to do to solve my issues. Does anybody have any advice?