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A PSA (hook-ups) and what happened this afternoon...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by drwinchester, Jun 8, 2014.

  1. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    So anyway, I thought I'd make this after my experience this afternoon. Since I know some of you have probably considered a hook-up or maybe you've had one. Or maybe you just know someone online you want to meet up with or something.

    Anyway. Through a certain app, I met a guy. We talked for a bit and decided to meet up. Once we'd figured out schematics, I made it clear what I would and wouldn't do (no bareback, I made that very clear). He sent a pic and we texted. I knew it wasn't the smartest or safest idea going in but I did it anyway. Figured if it didn't seem right I could leave.

    I walk over to his hotel (it's not far from my place, maybe a half over walk). Only one person knows I'm meeting a guy and that's a friend of mine I was going to meet up with later for coffee.

    Now, in retrospect, I was really really glad that before I went in to his hotel room, I was stopped by an employee. I told her what room I was visiting and so at least one person- should things have gone south- knew what I looked like and if things had been worse, she knew the drill.

    I go to his room. The guy who greets me looks nothing like the pic he'd sent me. I think at that point, I should've left. But he has me step in- I figure, maybe we'll talk, maybe I can grill him about the pic- but he closes the door. Room's totally dark.

    He immediately starts groping me. I'm telling him to stop but he's not listening and he's feeling me up, unbuttoning my shorts.

    Lays me on the bed and he takes off my boxers and starts fingering me. I'm telling him no. I'm shaking, scared and oh my god, what if this guy rapes me? What the fuck am I going to do? He's bigger than me (but not by much). He's fingering my front entrance while I'm telling him no.

    But to his credit- after my protests are growing more frequent- he stops after I tell him I need a minute.

    Apologizes while I'm splashing water on myself in his bathroom. I'm shaking. Kinda sick. I should've left then.

    We do oral but it's awkward and I'm not into it. Misgenders me too while I'm doing it. And the fucking bastard goes on his phone while I'm doing him.

    The irony was, the tv was on and guess what the show was? Catfish.

    He has housekeeping coming so he calls it off and I leave (hallelujah)

    It could've been a lot worse. I didn't meet him in public. He'd been lying to me about who he was. He wasn't respectful of my body and what I was comfortable with.

    After I left the hotel, I holed up shaking and sick in a Starbucks bathroom.

    So I guess that's the point I want to leave you with.

    I wouldn't say hook-ups are bad in themselves (wouldn't advocate for them for sure though) but you really really really need to play with caution.

    - Always meet your person in public

    - Set boundaries. If they don't respect them, run

    - Use protection

    - And last but not least, be really really fucking careful about meeting anyone off online. I don't mean to scare anyone off (actually, I kinda do) but if someone's setting off a creep alarm, trust your gut. I should've.

    I'm just really fucking glad it wasn't worse than that. Because considering what did, there was that potential....

    So please, play safe. You never know for sure.
     
  2. Fugs

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    I always carried weapons to my hookups but it didn't stop me from being 'forced'.

    Danger comes with the territory, hookup at your own risk is the only advice I can think of.
     
  3. newfish

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    That sounds really awful! I hope you're feeling better now. (*hug*)
    This is a great post, just sorry that you had to go through something so scary before writing it.
     
  4. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Thanks.

    Yeah. I'm not gonna deny it. What I did was stupid and risky and I should've trusted my gut. Because I was having a major creep alert even before I decided to meet him.

    If I can't trust someone with my dog, can't trust them with me.
     
  5. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    I don't believe in hook-ups for this reason; they can be very unsafe. I wouldn't trust anyone with my body unless I've known them for quite a while. But this is a good warning for those who do like them and do them often.
     
  6. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    Byron, no. (*hug*) If you need anything, let me know. I am so sorry. Please, understand that you are worth more than being someone's hookup. (*hug*)
     
  7. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    Forgot to add this: I'm sorry this happened to you. That guy sounded like a huge scumbag for not respecting your body or identity. What he did could definitely still count as sexual assault to some degree considering he did NOT respect you and sounded like he completely coerced you, which isn't okay.
     
  8. AudreyB

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    I must chime in here and advise you to go to the authorities ASAP. What you experienced was rape, plain and simple, don't let anyone tell you different. Least of all yourself. You were a victim here and you need to protect yourself and others by reporting this predator. Beasts should not be allowed to roam the streets and prey on the vulnerable. :frowning2:
     
  9. confuzzled82

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    I'm sorry to hear about that, doc. I've had a few hookups that haven't gone exactly as planned either. Not as far as yours, but still not exactly pleasant experiences. Honestly, what you posted is generally what I am afraid of.
     
  10. Delirious

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    Oh my...! I'm really sorry you had that experience with that guy!! And i'm happy you're ok now.
    There's a movie you may like to see that talks about this, it's called "Solo".
    Have a great night! :slight_smile:
     
  11. Gates

    Gates Guest

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    I agree 100% with Audrey. This was rape and he should be punished for his crime.
     
  12. BelleFromHell

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    ^^ YES. I second this.

    What he did was absolutely unacceptable, and you need to contact law enforcement as soon as you possibly can. Making the call may be pretty scary, but if you do, you can make sure he doesn't victimize anyone else.
     
  13. stocking

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    I'm sorry this happened to you , it sucks that this happened I think Audrey is right .
    My first hook up was kinda like this except I knew the person in person and even though we agreed to some things they ended up not following the rules .
     
  14. Wuggums47

    Wuggums47 Guest

    I am so sorry. I'm not sure if you felt this, but you know that little voice in your head that tells you to run like hell sometimes? It is NEVER wrong. Always trust your gut. I'm glad I'm one of those lame monogamists, it means this probably won't happen to me.
     
  15. stocking

    stocking Guest

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    This is so true :thumbsup:

    and please do not beat yourself up over this we all make mistakes it's best to learn from them
     
  16. QueerTransEnby

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    It certainly sounds like sexual assault to me. My best to you. :frowning2:
     
  17. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Yeah... Really should've listened to my gut. I was feeling it even before I met him. He claimed not to Skype, I only had one pic (I reversed image searched too, so I thought it was legitimate), and it just felt really weird that he didn't want to meet in public...

    I'm still debating whether to go to authorities. I emailed my therapist, I'm calling a hotline tonight. I don't have transportation right now and I really don't want family to have any idea of this happening.

    I don't think there's any way to get evidence anyway, but I haven't washed clothes or showered since it happened so if I do go in, I've got that (and I might just bag up my boxers or something and take it in).

    I have the address, his room number. I didn't keep his texts though so I don't have his number.

    God. I'm just really kinda sick and scared right now. :tears:
     
  18. Chip

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    Hi,

    I'm really, really sorry for what you experienced. No way was it appropriate, or was there consent.

    As far as reporting it to authorities, as much as it pains me to say it, I don't think I could recommend it.

    While there's no question that what occurred clearly fits the definition of attempted rape or at least assault, the fact that you went willingly to his room, went inside when the person was not the person you were expecting to meet, and didn't leave as soon as you had the chance is, from the perspective of the police officer (and DA who looks at it) going to make it a very, very weak case. And unfortunately, many police officers are contemptuous, sometimes homophobic, when taking such reports.

    The irritating part is that the guy gets away with it, and is able to go and do the same thing to someone else... because he's got his scam down pretty well. I wish I had a better suggestion but I worry that going to the police will simply further traumatize you and you won't get the satisfaction you're seeking.

    The only exception to my advice would be if there's a really good rape survivor advocacy program where you are. The rape crisis hotline will know. Rape advocates are specially trained people who go with you to make the report, and their job is to cut through the bullshit and disrespect you otherwise get from police. The best ones know people at the police department and can make things happen. Unfortuantely, few areas in the country have good advocacy programs.

    I wish you the best. Hopefully your therapist will get back to you soon and you can talk things out.
     
  19. DangerAlex

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    Chip took the words right out of my mouth. As awful as this was, the police aren't going to do much for you. You went willingly to a stranger's hotel room, and then when he turned out to not be who he said he was, you didn't leave when you had the chance. Even though I agree that you were coerced and that he was in the wrong, the fact that you still went through with the encounter is not going to help matters much. And then, like Chip said, there's the sometimes blatant homophobia in the police force. It's sad, but true. They're usually conservative types with the power to discriminate pretty much as they please against anyone they want with little worry of repercussion. Serve and protect, right? Yeah, if you're a WASP, a middle- to upper-class white Republican who probably makes hefty donations to the local force.

    I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you though. For this and many other reasons, I will never understand how people can use these apps and shady sites to find strangers for hookups. Wouldn't it be safer and even more enjoyable to have sex with someone you know, maybe make a friend with benefits? Hookups with stangers are just so dangerous..
     
    #19 DangerAlex, Jun 9, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2014
  20. idkgrrrl

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    I'm very sorry this happened to you. :frowning2:
    Hook ups can be very dangerous. Especially if you're meeting up for your first time at a hotel.

    But seriously, I would've bit his dick off or something, cause he practically assaulted you..

    Ugh.

    I'm still, extremely sorry. /: