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Is there an obligation to come out?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by OGS, Jun 9, 2014.

  1. OGS

    OGS
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    So, I don't mean this to be a criticism of anyone or anything which is why I'm going to start a thread rather than add it as a comment anywhere else. One thing that I have read over and over here is the notion that no one has any sort of obligation to anyone but themselves to come out. Every time I read that--and I've read it a lot in the past few months that I have been on this board--it sort of makes me go hmmm. It's not exactly that I want to say it's wrong but it definitely isn't how I experienced coming out and it's not the way I think about it still. Let me explain before the flaming starts.

    I came out in my early twenties. I had a lot of regrets about not doing it sooner. Part of that was this sense that I had sort of missed out on part of my own life. But even more powerful was a sense that I had missed out on opportunities to do something good for those around me--opportunities I would never get back with potentially disastrous consequences. There were two people I went to school with who killed themselves. I don't know why. I don't know if they were gay or if that was why, but I do know that gay kids kill themselves all the time because they can't see a way forward. Because when people tell them gay people can't have fulfilling lives there's no one they can point to to show it for the lie it is. I myself tried to commit suicide my senior year in high school, and I'm painfully aware of how it feels to look out at the world and not be able to come up with a single example of how your life could possibly work out alright.

    But you know what? My life has turned out fine--and the idea that someone might have frantically looked around for some example that their gay little life could work out alright and have their eyes pass over me because they didn't know I was just like them, and that they might have subsequently given way to despair, whether in a permanent or other way, breaks my heart. I don't know if it happened and I have to live with that--but I do know I can't let it happen again. So when people say it's none of straight people's business who I sleep with or how I feel about it--I would agree if you could always tell who's straight, but you can't and you never know who desperately needs to know you're there leading your normal little gay life.

    I remember years after I came out my mother called me one night. It seems that one of my cousins who I hadn't seen in years and years had come out to his family. My aunt, who I also hadn't seen in forever, didn't know what to make of it all. Surely this would ruin his life. She couldn't see a way forward for him and was paralyzed with fear. My little Mormon, Republican suburbanite mother calmly told her that I was gay (I guess it had never come up), had a boyfriend and everyone I knew knew about it and it was fine. She was even, she commented, pretty sure that where I lived all the gay people got together and had a parade every year and it was a big deal and all sorts of people came. As near as my mother could figure, the only thing it would really mean is that he might have to move to a bigger city--she wasn't really sure but she thought that might help. Other than that, my Mom told her, my cousin was a great guy and she was sure being gay would in no way prevent him from having a great life. I wasn't even there for that one. I think being out is like carrying a candle into a terrible darkness and if we are able we really do have a moral obligation to do it--not just for ourselves but for all the people still out there in the darkness.

    Anyway, I'm curious to see what others think about this. Do you think we have a moral obligation to be out if we are able?
     
  2. QueerTransEnby

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    My cousin has implied the same type of thing. I find coming out as bi is even more awkward because to be quite frank, I don't feel naturally embraced by some gay and straight people. It seems to put me even more in the minority. Throw in the health issues I have had and no job, and it really seems like this is the hardest part of my life. It's been a very hard 9 months. I definitely need a new therapist as my free sessions ended with my primary doctor's office.
     
  3. darkcomesoon

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    I don't know if I would say people are obligated to come out, but that being said, I definitely think they should. If a person is in a situation where they can safely and comfortably come out, they should. Personally, I do feel that sort of responsibility towards others. I feel responsible for setting an example and for being the person who can go, "look, I'm gay, I'm out, my life doesn't suck, yours won't either" for others who haven't come out yet. Still, I don't feel that people are truly obligated to come out, and I don't feel that I should be able to judge people who would rather keep their lives private. Ideally, I think all people would feel this moral responsibility, but they don't have to, and I'm not going to judge them if they don't.
     
  4. Cass

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    I feel I am obligated to be kind, to help people come out or deal with whatever struggle they are going through, but I don't feel my obligation includes coming out. My sexuality is a need-to-know deal for me right now, because I am with someone I may stay with forever. I don't think anyone's obligated to.
    They should though.
     
  5. Brandiac

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    Noone should be expected to put their lives at risk if they're not sure how it would end. Everyone has to decide for themselves if it's worth it and if they are ready for it themselves. It's better to wait a little and avoid unnecessary embarassment.
     
  6. QueerTransEnby

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    I agree. Pick the right timing even though you want to tell the whole world at once.
     
  7. PatrickUK

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    You raise some interesting points OGS and they are worthy of consideration, but I think I would be reluctant to suggest there is ever a moral obligation to come out.

    Like you, I went through a long period of self denial before coming out in my early twenties and I really do regret not coming out sooner, but it was sheer hell for me to finally exit the closet when I did. It was only with a lot of support, encouragement and kindness that I finally made it. Had there been any suggestion of me being morally obliged to take that step and it would have sent me into retreat, I think.

    Coming out can be so daunting and frightening for people and I think the only approach the rest of us can/should take to that genuine fear is kind patience and tolerance, support and encouragement. For me, it's about building people up and empowering them to take that step. The word obligation has a whiff of pressure to it and I don't think we can go there.
     
  8. QueerTransEnby

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    I am coming out extremely slowly. Literally, one by one at a time. I just don't like blasting that kind of stuff on Facebook where it will turn into one big flame war. I also don't need people's pity.
     
  9. jahow95

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    I wouldn't put it as strongly as being obligated. Personally, if I got to the stage where I knew what my sexuality was and I didn't want to come out, I wouldn't feel obligated to and I wouldn't do it. But if someone came to me for help not knowing I was not straight, then I probably would tell them and try and help.
    At the end of the day, my sexuality is my business and nobody else's and nobody can tell me that I HAVE to share it with the world.
     
  10. Sigrid

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    I think you have some good points, OGS. As it is, I happen to be one of those people who tells people that coming out is not obligatory. I feel the need to clarify, though, that I do not mean that people should keep it secret. Quite the opposite, actually. People should feel free to be themselves. What I mean is that the act itself seems very unnecessary to me. "Coming out" makes it seem like you are confessing to something bad. I've heard it said by a lot of people that they feel guilty for not telling people about their sexuality. If people did not feel obligated to come out, this would not be an issue. There's also the obvious argument of "if straight people don't have to come out, why should we?"

    I understand where you're coming from, though. Having someone to look to would without a doubt be a huge reassurance for all those insecure teenagers who are struggling with this. But wouldn't it set an even bigger example to just be yourself without making a big deal out of it?