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Colleagues asking about your sexual orientation...?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by confuseduser99, Jun 12, 2014.

  1. confuseduser99

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    It was so awkward. I left work, and saw some of my colleagues on the patio at the pub across the street. I chatted with them for a couple of minutes before sitting down. Those few minutes were AWKWARD!

    They brought up the topic of the two gay guys who work there (one of them was sitting there chatting). When I found out that the other colleague who wasn't present was gay, I said "really, I would have never guessed!"

    One the people in the group asked me "how about you?" The other two sitting down said "no, you're straight right?" I honestly froze for a second or two. I said "what?" Ina confused manner. I was debating on what to say in my mind. I'm new there, so I didn't want to fully come out. I then stumbled to talk. I said something allying the lines of "oh, well I, um... I guess I..." until I was cut off by one of the colleagues who said "no comment?" I then said "yeah, no comment". I then decided to join them for a couple of drinks.

    This moments were super awkward and uncomfortable, especially since I didn't deny being gay. 3 questions:

    1) why would they ask that question? I mean, I get that we were in the middle of a conversation regarding gays, but people don't usually ask others if they're gay unless they suspect that you may be, right? Would it be fair for me to assume that someone may have had their suspicions of me, or am I reading into this too much?

    2) was my answer inadequate? Do you think it confused them, or made them conclude that I'm gay (or at least not straight)? Remember, I sounded confused (tried to pretend that I was confused about what they were asking).

    3) should I have just said "I'm gay"? I didn't really feel comfortable saying it, or coming out to colleagues (especially since I'm new, and because of the nature of the job - media).
     
  2. mangotree

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    1. Perhaps they asked because of your earlier response (really, i would have never guessed) - and the way you said it and your body language at the time.
    On the other hand, it's great that your new colleagues are so open, you'll be glad for those kinds of people later in life.
    To some people it's equally as evasive as asking "are you married?".

    2. Unfortunately (or fortunately) it probably concluded for them that you're gay. A person who knew they were straight probably would have straight out said "no".
    It sounds like they're fine with it anyway. I realise it's a big deal for you, but it probably isn't for them.

    3. Don't feel bad about not being able to say "I'm gay" yet, especially in unexpected situations like that. It gets easier over time.

    Peace be with you.
     
  3. confuseduser99

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    Thanks for your input. Why do you think my comment regarding the shock that someone is gay give off the vibe that I may be gay? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. stillhidden

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    lol, that does sound a bit awkward! As I was reading, I would hope you would say "I guess I am yeah." :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: But it's very understandable why you would avoid saying it out loud. I probably would have done the same thing.. well, maybe. Depends on if I really cared how much they knew.

    1) Maybe they suspected you might be gay and were curious? Maybe that's why they brought up the subject of the gay guys at work in the first place? To gauge your reaction?

    2) If someone gave me a "no comment" response, I would just assume they were gay or bi at the very least. I mean, if someone was straight, they would have probably just immediately said, "yeah."

    3) As far as if you should have said "I'm gay" - that isn't really our call. If you don't feel comfortable outing yourself to co-workers, then you shouldn't have said it. Although I feel like your "no comment" response was basically saying you were bi/gay anyways, lol. I'm sure they don't really care either way so I wouldn't worry about it. :slight_smile:
     
  5. OGS

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    It sounds to me like whether or not your coworkers think you are gay--they are alright with it if you are. That's cool--I think a lot of times because it is such a momentous thing in our own lives that it can be difficult to recognize that for a lot of people (in my experience the vast majority of them) it really doesn't matter that much to them.
     
  6. mangotree

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    Depending on how you said it, it might have sounded a bit like you were excited about it or more curious than the average guy.
     
  7. edy

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    Honey you should come out EVERYWHERE with everyone ok? it's very healthy, don't be afraid, they won't judge you

    Are Straight people afraid of coming out every time second they're being asked about their sexual preferences? no, because it's ridiculous

    ---------- Post added 12th Jun 2014 at 07:22 PM ----------

    1) why would they ask that question? because that's what colleagues do, they ask these question because it helps to develop personal relatioships

    2) was my answer inadequate? No, but it wasn't sincere, what would you feel ashamed of being gay?

    3) should I have just said "I'm gay"? YES!, believe it's very healthy
     
  8. Jay47

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    People do it on their own time. I never actually tell people, because it shouldn't matter. I won't shake their hand and say "Hi I'm Jay and I'm gay." That would do damage to the community. If they find out, fine. If they don't, fine. But if they do ask, I shrug and say yes.
     
  9. edy

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    Why would it damage the community?
     
  10. Jay47

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    Because opposers are always ranting about us "shoving it down their throats". Personally, I would not like to perpetuate that saying. Also, saying that where I live would possibly get me killed. Your identity is not your orientation. You are so much more than that.
     
  11. edy

    edy
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    yes but it's part of you and a big part if you ask me, you shouldn't hide what you are

    Everybody is fine when straight people show their sexuality with everyone
     
  12. Jay47

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    Not hiding it and including it as part of your introduction are different things altogether. In a lot of instances, negating to tell someone can save not only the convo but your life.
     
  13. edy

    edy
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    I know some places are more homophobic than others, and I'm very sorry to hear that (this os one of the reasons I carry a grudge against straight people)

    Personally, I will hide my sexual preferences when straight people have to deny theirs in order to save their lives, too
     
  14. Jay47

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    And that's completely up to you. Just don't out people who might not want you to. It is all up to the individual. No need for pressure.
     
  15. edy

    edy
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    It's just an advice (a very good one, if you ask me), because I think it's very healthy and he will no longer be afraid or defensive about the subject

    Friends and colleagues share theirs love stories, why you should be the only one that's not sharing yours?
     
  16. confuseduser99

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    Heading off to work now, so let's see if this comes up again. It didn't when I joined them for drinks. That conversation seemed to just subside (thankfully).
     
  17. Melanie

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    "No Comment" = yes.

    They know (now), but they obviously respect your desire to come out when youre ready.
     
  18. Hexagon

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    If they ask, I answer. As others have said, they know now. Unless you're willing to lie properly, you're better off telling them.
     
  19. Choirboy

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    Very few of the people at work that I've told have been very surprised anyhow. For that matter, very few of the people I've told in general have been. My brother was the latest, and while he's not exactly gay-friendly (more "gay-awkward" than anything, though), he observed that a lot of times it seems as though the gay person is the last one to figure it out.

    You will probably find yourself getting much more comfortable as time goes by, though. I had one co-worker (who didn't know) see a picture of me with my boyfriend at the local Pride Fest and say with a laugh, "Is there something you haven't told me?" To which I answered, "Yes--I'm gay!" and I'm ashamed to admit that I kind of enjoyed her surprised reaction. But none of them have considered it a big deal. Sounds about the same for you.
     
  20. Yossarian

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    When they ask if you are straight, or if you are gay, (which is the same question), just tell them "I'm gay, but nobody knows, so you can consider me straight."