Age Differences in Relationships

I think that age is not an issue (except for legally, which you're not asking for), it's maturity and life experience. I do not believe that in people as young as 16 and 20, that it's really possible for there to be enough similarity in life experience and maturity that it would be an equal, emotionally healthy relationship.

Now, as people get older, a numerical age difference of four years matters less and less. My partner is five years older than me, but it's different then a 16 year old and a 21 year old being together because five years is a lot more of a change between 16 and 21 than between 24 and 29 and the difference between 33 and 38 is even less than 24 and 29 and so on as we age.

I just always wonder when I see people who are so young getting into these relationships with large age gaps what is up with the older person that they aren't dating someone their own age whose life is more similar to their own than a much younger person's life. I couldn't do it. I have changed more than I ever though possible in four or five years. I am a completely different person with different view on life and different experiences. I don't see how dating someone that much younger than me would be in any way good for either of us--whether I liked that person or not as a person.

 

I dont think age is an issue unless say one is 14 and the other is 40. But i dated a 20 year old. ^.^

 

As much as you say you don't care about legality, please be aware that the law is often more real and significant when you have to justify yourself (and a partner possibly legally defined as a statutory rapist) to the police or a court as a witness.

Age is a big problem, especially in your teens. For example, if I were to go out with a uni student, even only 18 years old, he'd have a lot more life experience (relatively speaking) and would be far more emotionally mature, as well as a lot more power, physical or otherwise. That's only two years - four or five could be a lot worse. 16 and 20 is just too much.

Although it's probably true that not all teen-young adult relationships are unhealthy, I doubt that the majority are good. My big problem is that either the older partner is so immature that dating them is probably a bad idea (too insecure, coddled, emotionally undeveloped), or even worse, that they're an ostensibly healthy 20 something whose behaviour can probably only be defined as preying; why else would they be after someone so much younger?

I am generally going to assume that an older partner in a relationship like that is going to be a bad partner with unhealthy intentions. As you get older, (like a relationship between a 38 year and a 44 year old) it's far more equal, as the maturity gap is lessened and the younger partner has had a chance by then to catch up. A 16 year old does not have the capability to catch up in all ways to a 20 year old and form a relationship of equals.

 

Someone who is 16 is usually still living at home, dependent on parents; whereas a 20 year old has much more freedom and life experience, normally; I think it is inappropriate in most cases. It's best for an independent person to find another independent person, not get involved with someone who is, to be honest, still developing towards adulthood - legally they are still a child, for goodness sake - and thus vulnerable and liable to be exploited, even unwittingly. And that's aside from the 'legalities', which, contrary to what you say, do matter and exist for a good reason.

Essentially: kids should date other kids, and grown ups should date other grown ups.

 

Legalities aside, which are an obvious and there for a reason (there was an entire thread which I would hate to resuscitate that dealt with "consent" :lol, I would say that the age difference in humans is more pronounced by those earlier in life, like thedreamwatch said.

I would say that maturity for humans is almost like a natural log function, with age at the x-axis and "maturity" (and all that it implies including the ability to give consent, be aware of their station in life, understand the world, etc.) on the y-axis. In the first few years of life, there is a drastic change in maturity, but that "levels off" as the years progress. Eventually, the rate of change in maturity-over-time reaches a point where the differences in "maturity" between people across different ages isn't as pronounced.

I will not even attempt to address the issues of dating underage people for reasons I shall spare the OP; I know that threads like these are polemic, to say the least, and only serve to stir the proverbial pot.

 

I don't think it hurts anyone but the people in the relationship when there is a relationship with an age difference. I think it can be hard because they most likely will be in different stages in their life. If things go too far the younger person may begin to resent the older person feeling that they abused their power. The younger person may get swept up and think that they are ready to go farther than they really are. The older person could feel ashamed of the relationship. The social parties of both sides wouldn't pair easily. All in all there are a lot of problems with age different relationships even more than I mentioned. But I'm not putting them to shame. I think if two people want to date even knowing the risks of the age difference as long as it doesn't break the law (I know I know but as long as there's no sex with a minor it's legal just saying.) then it's completely fine. Just be careful and abide the law ok.

 

But i love my daddy!!! LOL

 

I would advise against it because they would be problems with there family and it wouldn't be worth the consequences

 

To judge somebody by shitty family problems though would seem pretty selifish. My bf can help that his family is religiously homophobic and why should I judge him for something that is not out of his control.

 

As long as a person is of age, I think it's fine. However if one person is old enough to be the other's parent than I think it's weird.

 

If within legal age and they both love each other I think its fine.

 

I didn't start dating until my twenties and I have never dated younger than 21. My last relationship, she was 4 years older, my current relationship, she is 3 years younger.

Once both parties are over 21, the older you get, the less the numerical number matters. I'd date a 35yo, I'd date a 21yo. It all depends on where they are mentally in life to me.

 

I just had this discussion with my daughter. My daughter is 13 and has a friend who is 17/nearly 18. They are not romantically/physically involved but we were discussing other things and it let to a "for instance" conversation. At 13 and nearly 18 it is a HUGE difference in maturity and life experience. If my daughter were 18 and the girl 22/23 there would still be a lot of difference but less drastic.

I know you said you did not care about legalities but I am going to tell you what I told my daughter. Even if the younger person feels for, cares about, loves the older one, even if the younger person is the pursuer instead of the pursued, even if the younger person is totally the initiator of any physical contact, the older person can be arrested, tried, convicted, and imprisoned for child molestation and/or statutory rape. That person will be labelled for life as a child molester. It might not seem fair but it is fact. If you have feelings for someone older than yourself then you need to consider the impact not just on yourself but on that other person.

I know from personal experience that age and maturity levels can have an impact. When my husband and I met. I was 22, in a bad marriage, had been living away from my parents since I was 18. He was 19, living at home, and had graduated high school the month before. BIG DIFFERENCE. When we started dating the next year it made for some pretty weird clashes. We had some pretty rocky times that were, in part, due to those differences in maturity and life experience levels.

 

You live your life how you want. I wasn't trying to be homophobic.

 

People that young are still growing and maturing, so usually I'd say no. It really depends on maturity more than age. Example, me: I can't even date people a year younger than me usually because I apparently matured much faster. Could be due to life experiences. However past the twenties age starts to matter a lot less, usually

 

yes absltly right

 

I find this a very interesting subject and in fact I find it difficult to get my opinions of it across in type.

I personally really think that (currently) I am better suited to a partner who is either simply just younger, or, like how I view myself, younger than you'd expect in reality.
I don't really consider myself immature, but I don't think I'm as advanced in lifestyle or physical appearance as most my age. I feel better suited to someone 2 years younger, rather than 2 years old older for sure.
In my 20s, like we've all said, that will change I expect.

What I'm trying to say is that I certainly don't think that it's right to 100% instantly conclude that a 20 year old with a 16 year old is completely wrong. Depending to what detail you go, 16 in the UK is legal so LEGALLY wise, that isn't an issue (whether it's morally right is part of the debate I guess).

 

I feel that sixteen is a highly vulnerable age, one at which relationships are risky in any context, and that a sixteen-year-old male or female probably should not have a relationship with someone in his or her twenties.

I made what I consider a grave mistake by dating a sixteen-year-old last year, shortly after my twenty-first birthday. We only ever kissed and held hands, but I believe that it was highly inappropriate for an adult woman to respond to a very vulnerable teenage girl.

I posted about it on EC and received some very mixed opinions. Some users said that as long as it was legal, as it is here in Rhode Island, then any other barriers to overcome were trivial because, ultimately, the five-year age difference did not matter. Others insisted I was making a mistake and perfectly aware of it; otherwise I would not have posted about it to ask after the thoughts of others.

I got in major trouble for it: My mother made me leave home; her mother no longer trusts me, despite my apology (I would absolutely never trust a twenty-one-year-old who had blithely initiated a romantic relationship with my sixteen-year-old daughter). To this day, I am repulsed at the thought that I could have taken advantage of someone so much younger than I.

The truth is that, in the end, adolescence and early adulthood are almost always - with some possible exceptions; I don't pretend to know everything - very distinct fields of existence, and that a person in his or her early or middle teenage years is a child, while a person in his or her early twenties is an adult equipped with power which is, by developmental standards, denied the younger party.