For over 20 years I have been tortured with this question and I quite frankly don't think I will Ever get an answer. We were both very young when we met in private high school. She approached me to get my attention and from then on I was lost. We became close really fast and so began our journey....over twenty years later I can say she has left me close to five or six times. Most times it is because, according to her, we became too close too fast.My intention was always to have a best friend but from the beginning with her it always has been about something more-for me at least. Over the years she has made comments asking me if we were in a relationship who would be the male figure and who would be the female figure. In high school people thought we were dating-everyone thought she was gay. She was so angry that people thought this way about her and tried so hard...in some ways to fight it. She is now married with several children. We no longer speak-she cut things off over a year ago. It was totally necessary bc I know where I Stand. I am in a committed straight relationship but I have very strong feelings for her and I just cannot be just friends with her. Over the course of her and I's relationship there were periods of several years we did not talk-she cut me off. When she cuts things off it is when we have grown really close. She makes the break about me, my behavior and even calls me names and says hurtful things. It kills me we go from BFF to worst enemies. We have never ever been physical, although I have wanted to be. Over the years we have been in close proximity but never crossed that line. I personally feel that she has feelings for me but our upbringing forces us to hide and be ashamed of how we feel. And when things begin again it's bc she comes looking for me. Am I looking into things? Seeing what I want to see? I am so confused by the back and forth.
If your feelings are persistent then maybe you should accept that you and this female can never be friends because neither of you wish to act on your feelings. I went through a very similar relationship where the person I was with liked me a lot more than I liked them. The friendship couldn't work out because I was too ashamed and embarrassed to be with them. Why don't you try working on yourself for a while to get this relationship off your mind? I have found that gardening helps me forget my relationship difficulties.
My feelings are more than persistent they are chronic. From the time I was about 15 until now (I am 37) I have felt te same way. We never ever have talked about how we felt. Things have said and done which make me think she has feelings for me as I do for her. We flirt constantly, it's out banter and truthfully I love it. I think when I was younger the way I felt towards her scared the hell out of me. I have only felt that way about two people in my life, her and my spouse. I am in a hetero relationship right now and have been for years. It took me the twenty years to figure out why it hurt like hell everytime she left....mainly because it took me that long to be honest with myself that I was in love with another female. I have come To accept this fact, as it is part of who I am, it just gnaws at me not knowing if she ever felt or if she feels the same....
