Prologue to a story, comments wold be nice :)

Intrigueing. It is a bit too detailed for a prologue, I think. I'd recomend saving the setting (xandria?) for chapter one. And you sort of bunch together those people she killed perhaps you could shorten that out to something along the lines of "she felt threatened, killing at the slightest provacation". It wouldn't hurt making the plot clearer, as well. That's advice from my perspective as a hopefully future author and I love writing fanfics. I'd say post somthing like that in fun and games next time, maybe? I didn't notice much lgbtq themes other than the bit at the end, were you referring to them being trans?gender? Anyways, good writing and few mistakes. Good luck

 

I really like it, but you can save a lot of this for later. I think that you put a lot of emotion into this and have a very nice storyline that'd I love to see how it develops. Thank you for sharing this.

 

Going against Chevere on one point, I think you can keep "whole" vs. "entirety" as they mean the same thing. You can use whichever you think flows better. Normally I'll grammatically pick it apart as well but I'll stick to more creative points as I've been beaten to the first one hehe.

Unfortunately, the beginning is a little disorganized. "A woman screamed" is pretty vague, and we have no information at all about "the girl" who doesn't like screaming. Maybe give a better description of what's going on before you throw in little atmospheric details and characterization? Perhaps let us know how your protagonist and those around her react to the smoke as it first appears, because I doubt you meant that all of the sudden, *poof* the planet was engulfed in it. You can ramp up the tension with people dying, etc. as your girl starts to do things in the story.

But if you keep it how it is, tell us something about the girl. Does her dislike of screaming mean anything to the story? If not, I'd take that out in favor of an action she does that anyone should do hearing a shriek, like wincing/looking around from where she is. Because at the very beginning, it appears you're trying to set the scene rather than talk about the girl. That's also a good place to describe the environment (how it's different from normal) and letting her see a little of what's going on.

We later find out that she fairly stoically grabs her dead father's gun (big like a rifle, small handgun, bulky and heavy handgun? It doesn't have to be anything the girl wouldn't know, and I like a smattering of details on weapons because I'm a nerd ) and doesn't think much of popping anyone for the smallest amount of resistance. You're okay with not explaining that because it shows that she is no stranger to violence.

Oh, one more thing. You have her "in front of a bush" and then "she slipped inside." Inside what? A hidden door? You're missing the crucial detail of what she slips inside, especially because you also mention an army that is normally too big an item to hide behind a bush XD.

All criticism aside, I am eager to see how you'll show her deal with things now that she is in command of a powerful force at 12 years old. I hope you don't take what I say too roughly, because I'm reviewing how I would anybody without taking age into account. Heaven knows I could not write as well at 14 o.0 enough that I wouldn't show it to anybody. But I think that managed well, you've got something here.

EDIT: Okay I lied, one last tidbit: "The girl stood up in the dark alleyway(it was also smoky, did I say that already?)" This is a jarring switch from third-person narration to first-person and I would definitely get rid of the parentheses part. You're allowed to say it's smoky again without having to question yourself, but mix it up a little bit. "The girl stood up in the alleyway, the omnipresent black haze swirling in an updraft around her." It gets the point across with good imagery also.

 

Oh wow!!! I'm impressed!!
I think it's very well written and well personally I found hardly a grammar mistake.
I like it how you describe the surrounding but not too detailed so one can make a picture of the situation but there's room for fantasy!!! Well done pancake!!
Keep on writing!! I want to read the story!!!!

 

It's good, and the concept is intriguing, but it needs a little polishing. If I may, I'll offer you some ideas, not so much to do with grammar but the quality of the narrative. Don't feel you have to accept everything I say; while there are some rules you'd do well to keep to, it's also an individual thing. A lot of it feels too informal - the style of language used in stories is different to real life, because a third person narrator is supposed to be 'invisible'. They describe, but don't affect it in any way.

One thing I think you could work on is the way you present the things you describe. Instead of just saying what there is, describe your character interacting with them in some way. I've put a couple of examples of that in.

You might want to reword the "The whole world was full of smoke" sentence. Overuse of the word "was" tends to become tiresome, and it's a rather bland way of putting it. You could try something like "Smoke blanketed the entire world". I have to advise against the use of the general "You" when the story is in third person. You could replace that with something like "People choked in alleys".

I don't like the use of parentheses. They feel far too informal for a third person narrative, and as has been mentioned before, the shift from third to first person is rather jarring.

"The girl struggled to her feet, and brushed the dust from her body. Smoke stung her eyes in the dark alleyway. Her jeans were covered in holes, her jacket patched and her shoes broken."

She stood up, held her head up high, and picked up a gun from beside a body. She knew without looking who it was. Her father's body lay in the grime beside her, not too far from her mother's. Her little brother was nowhere to be seen. She had to find him; the thought filled her with a courage and rage she hadn't known she possessed. Nothing in her childhood had prepared her for this. She held her gun out in front of her, and started walking along the alley. There were bodies all around her; teenage girls in tiny shorts, little boys clinging to their mother's lifeless arm. And the screaming. The endless screaming. She didn't know if it was only in her head, but the screaming didn't stop.

I'll leave the rest, I think. I've made a lot of suggestions, but I do really think it's good. You just need to become more familiar with writing.

 

You've got a style suited to oral narrative. Unfortunately, it doesn't flow so well when written. Lengthen your sentences significantly. Otherwise. It. Sounds. Like. This. Almost as if it's meant to be separate statements with no continuity. Because when we read, we consume it a lot more quickly. Having smooth, flowing sentences is an absolute necessity to keep the reader hooked. However, your writing is definitely not terrible, and is somewhat better than the average teenage writer (having gone through my friends showing me their dreadful works until last year, I can assure you that yours is probably the best I've seen.)

Also, in third-person narratives, I'd advise you not to use the impersonal "you." Use "one," or (probably better) make it entirely passive; "rendering/ed breathing difficult." It adds a nice disconnection which isn't possible if you directly mention the reader, which tends to be rather awkward.

Depending on the reader, the line "And the screaming. The endless screaming" could come across as moderately funny, or just a cringe-worthily out-of-place cliché.

Also, this is just a personal stylistic note which isn't so much a correction/suggestion as my taste: When action begins a novel, it either has to be perfect, or it should be pushed further in. Novels which start immediately with action often follow structures which have to be done perfectly not to come across as very cliché; it either backtracks and appears again near the end (or has a conspicuous absence because it's already at the beginning), or it turns into a plot of piecing together the past or seeking moral consolation. Those are difficult to do well, and not everyone is Gabriel García Márquez.

There are just some ways you say things that aren't so natural - "her subconscious made the decision for her" would be fine if it were faux-journalistic prose in its entirety, but you could do with a little more embellishment for something that could be put quite nicely in more plain, but more eloquent words.

 

Hmm. I would advise you to read the passage out loud, or preferably, get someone reading it out loud and listen to it (get a human, not a text-to-speech bot! I did that before and it didn't help at all.:lol. The flow of the writing is broken in a few place, and while they does not prevent the understanding of the text, they do cause a jarring turn of words. Somewhat similar to a sharp turn on a car, I would say. For example:

It is full of sharp turns straight on right at the beginning. Choppy, fragmented sentences are best used to push the reader on during high tension sequences, and while you can also use them to intentionally construct a fragmented image of a scene, it require softening. Here is how I would write.

It sounds smoother when you pad it with intro/outro phrases either at the beginning or the end of sentences to ease the reader into a sentence, or out of one.

Another thing I would add is that, an expanded vocabulary and a good stock of literary tools would certainly help spicing your writing and bring it to life. For example,

This is not wrong in anyway, but, it lack the snappiness you should have saved for instead of using it on the beginning. Here is how I would write.

A one-two combo of rhyme, repetition that draw attention back to the character ("her") and her condition, along with a wee bit of extra detail to the shoes that act like the final upper cut. (ok, my analogy is a bit violent...) It adds tension to the sentence and prepare the reader into the next action of the character -stood up and pick up a gun - which is also full of tension in it.

And at the same time you build up drama and tension, you should also find a way to release it properly. The reader can only held their breath for so long.
For example, the sequence where she shoot through people is a good way to release the build up tension by the end of it:

It is a bit drawn out for such a dramatic sequence. You would want to pack it in, then let it loose at the end, so that the release is more satisfying. Here is how I would write it:

Short, concise sentences with only minimal details, if any, works best here. Don't let the detail distract, when the action itself speak much more if you let them shine alone. The final, drawn out sentence is where you release the tension.


Few other last things:
Don't use parentheses, as other said. It distracts from the flow, drawing out the reader from the world, break the style, and so on. Writers rarely use them without great consideration, and master writers only adapt them into very special styles of writing unique to their own where they can work the distraction into a part of the narrative.

Also don't grab the reader directly without a good reason to do so, like this part:

You called out to the reader and said "You couldn't really breath." Then you leave them there, hanging, while you go back to your story.

If you want to involve them, involve them the whole way in a second person narrative. In this case, instead of doing that, you could just refer back to your main character and say "She couldn't really breath" instead.

I could say more, but that would be verging on writing the story for you. I think you are already off to a good start, but you need to train yourself more. Keep on writing. I started writing when I was 12, wrote out all the horrible writing I could, then learn from all the things I did wrong. Got me to this point where I could teach you about avoiding my mistakes. XD Hope you find this helpful.