Another writing sample to review

In the vein of that "Prologue" thread where the OP asked for responses, it got me in the same mood to put some of my own stuff up. "Put your money where your mouth is", right? I figure I should at least qualify my criticisms a little with what I think is good.

So here is the first page or so of my incomplete novel, Paper Castle. Mostly because I like you guys and I'm too scared to post it to my writers' forum because they're gonna tear it to shreds lol. But if you feel the need to do the same, do it. I want the best end result possible so don't hold back on suggestions for improvement.

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Paper Castle
What is the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on? –Henry David Thoreau

I​

Vice Admiral Morgan likely had his voice to thank for his lofty rank within the Entente Space Corps. Even when divorced from his body by hundreds of miles over radio, his gravelly baritone seized the attention of his subordinates and superiors alike. He conveyed his sober tone to one such subordinate, Lieutenant Commander Gavin Franklin, as well as the words, “Commander, what's my orbit look like?”

Interpreting questions like the one posed to the starship officer frequently required some reading between the lines. He could not have been asking about the literal airspace security even with such direct phrasing. Any in the position to know would describe the planet Enton's placid skies as "quieter than the rest of space," in no small part because the world's dozens of cities were defended by as many bases and space stations. There were only those few, too, because pirates had found little luck in the system's locked-down trade lanes, instead choosing to prey on softer targets. What Morgan meant with the question was something else entirely.

No matter his motive for asking, he was justified in doing so. Innumerable lives and dollars in the form of a new shield ship were drifting from their planned trajectory in formation between the SCS Bucephalos and SCS Red Hare. More important was the fact that the gleaming vessel in question, the SCS Gringolet, represented an ambitious move by the Space Corps brass. The vessel was the pet project of Morgan’s immediate superior, Admiral Arthur, who would not see her mothballed like so many pipe dreams.

The vice admiral's critical attitude did not propagate all the way through Gringolet's crew. A festive mood had diffused even through the command staff of the ship, along with whatever precious wine rations could be smuggled into duty stations. The launch of such a cutting-edge warship was a memorable event on its own, ignoring the fact that this vessel's dedication had come within two weeks of Christmas. The captains of the other ships shared the cheer too, opening the conference projector to celebrate at least by hologram. “Clear, sir,” Commander Franklin answered, “We're sharp up here.”

The background noise on the radio included Arthur chiding Morgan, "Relax, will you? You've got a good crew in that tub." Franklin's comm scratched a little as the older man joined the channel in earnest. "Don't listen to him. You're doing a fine job, and that ship should serve you well. The only shame is that I have to celebrate here at the fort instead of up there with you and your merry band of space men."

Franklin stifled a smile. Admiral Arthur commanded over a hundred thousand personnel and a trillion dollars' worth of hardware. Yet after decades of wars, policies, and desk work, and no matter the frequency of trips between worlds, his childlike lust for space never dulled. When tempted with the wonders of the cosmos, even the jaded warhorse he was turned back into a kid playing make-believe in a decorated cardboard box. Franklin, however, would not take part. He too nurtured some emotion about space, but felt that this starry-eyed wonder was a distraction to be avoided. Every bit of space's majesty concealed two parts danger. Discipline was paramount.

The stargazer on the ground seemed to forgive the commander for his envious position up in orbit. "Eh, I've had my time I suppose. On the business side though, I will need a comprehensive performance report before we get further into the party. The least I expect out of Gringolet is a plump war story or two."

"Sorry you can't share in the fun, sir," Franklin answered, suddenly feeling a pit form in his stomach when beeping indicators interrupted him, "But that war story might be on its way.”

A swarm of warp signatures had begun filling sensor screens. What must have been several hundred ships were now some thousands of kilometers above Enton's surface, well within range to bombard precision targets. The Free Fleet terrorists were here and closing. Streaks of incandescence from huge rail cannons in the distance cut the blackness.

 

This isn't a prologue. It's the normal start of chapter one. And that's not including the battle, negotiation with a mysterious ship, and second enemy attack which causes them to re-enter and crash yeah, a lot happens in chapter one. But rereading what I posted, not a lot actually happened. Just a lot of talking and the start of some action lol.

I have a kinda-sorta prologue in 2 though, which is a flashback to another character way before this first scene. I might have posted it somewhere here before actually, but I can put it up again if you want to read it.