1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

No "real" friends / No social life

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Ruby Dragon, Aug 11, 2014.

  1. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2012
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    178
    Location:
    South Africa
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Is it a bad thing to not have any friends (apart from online ones), and no social life?

    I'm a quiet and reserved person, and prefer quiet and peaceful nights at home. I don't do public dancing and don't drink a lot, so visiting pubs and clubs are kinda pointless.

    The "friends" I do have are more like acquaintances than true friends, because the only thing we really have in common in a shared hobby/passion for all things equine. They've never been to my house, but I've been to a few of theirs. It feels one-sided and fake. Like they simply tolerate me but don't exactly want to hang out with me on a more personal level.

    Because of my non-existent social life I also don't meet potential partners. People try to introduce me to friends of theirs here and there but I don't like it. It seems like they feel obliged to introduce me to new people. It's like they pity me for being alone.

    The biggest problem I have with meeting new people is the possibility of rejection. I'm so used to hearing the phrase, "I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment." In my opinion, that's a polite way of turning me down/rejecting me. Most people are just in it for sex, and I'm not cool with that. I don't want to be somebody's "sometimes" - I want stability, commitment. But finding someone who feels the same is nearly impossible. And I've also found most people are shallow, and can't look past physical appearances. They reject me because of my size and the way I choose to dress.

    I'm not girly at all. I don't wear make-up, don't own skirts or dresses, or even high heels. I keep my nails short and don't paint them. I own very few feminine tops, I'm mostly always in some or other tshirt and jeans or denim shorts. I'm a denim junkie, lol. And even though I'm growing it out again, my hair is short at the moment, and that also seems to be a turn-off for some people.

    Ok, enough of this pity party.

    To get back on topic: Is it really THAT bad to have no real-life friends, and no social life? It works for me, but other people tend to judge me badly because of it :dry:
     
  2. Yosia

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2014
    Messages:
    1,791
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    It probably is but im the exact same lol.
     
  3. thekillingmoon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2013
    Messages:
    940
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    If you're fine with having no social life, then it all that matters. Some people are introverts. It's not a crime to not want to be around people. And yeah, most people don't get it and will judge you for it.
     
  4. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

    Joined:
    May 10, 2014
    Messages:
    2,867
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    кєηтυ¢ку
    Short answer, no.

    That said, though, the older you get, the more difficult being isolated or introverted becomes. When you are younger, and attending school for example, you are more so forced into social situations. When you get beyond such things, it begins to become less easy, but it shouldn't be discouraging.

    Personally, I have no "real" friends. Most of the people I hang out with, like you, come off as acquaintances, or as I prefer to call them "respectful associates". They all like and respect me, so much so, they tend to always come to me for advice, or to ask me to help them with something. But if it wasn't so much for my services, I'm sure many of them, wouldn't linger around. However, they all do find me rather enjoyable to be around; funny, witty, and just a very positive vibe-inducing soul (I am invited to parties, for example, because of these traits). The problem is, most of them, remember me from my younger days, so they are a little hesitant, which is fine -- I deserve that, I believe.

    The only exception to this, is one cousin, but she is starting to... mm, well, I'll just put it to you like this. She's going through a very troubled stage in her life, and nothing can really be done, except to wait it out, and let her burn herself out. My other cousin, is away in Hawaii for a few years (his wife is in the Navy), and this cousin's best friend, who I hang out with now by default, is starting to become more distant. He's found himself a girlfriend (who, ironically, he had no chance with, but he 'won her heart' when I was his wing-person), and spends a lot of time with her. The times we do hang out, it is only for 2 or 3 hours, and much of that is him hitting me up for tips, for the two of them in the bedroom and in their relationship. It's kind of funny, it's almost like I'm having a relationship, through the two of them, LOL!

    If you are keeping busy and productive, so be it. If you aren't, so be it. It is your life, and sometimes, it is nice to spend time alone. We can often times get our work done, and do our best work then. But it also becomes easier to alienate ourselves, to perceive people as 'less than', and so on and so forth. These types of thoughts and situations, very often, generate a very taxing experience -- at least it did for me. I would become more cold, more black and white in thinking, and always perceive myself, as some violated by society victim. Sometimes, even if it's just a random chat at the check-out line at the grocery store, it is good to mingle. If just to remind ourselves, there is a whole world out there, that has yet to be fully explored... and perhaps... just maybe... another like-minded soul is traveling the same journey, as we are.

    Good people exist in the ocean we call life, but they're single drops, scattered and submerged beneath the rest.
     
  5. fulcrum

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2012
    Messages:
    187
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cape Town, Western Cape
    I feel the same about my life. Its like a barrier between you and other people. I think the problem is that its difficult to find other gay people who are also not completely self-actualized. Everyone out there seem to be at level 10. And we are all on level 5.
     
  6. Candace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2013
    Messages:
    3,819
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southeastern U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    I mean, I need time with my straight pals as well, those with whom I do stuff in real life. If I just had online friends and no one nearby, I'd go completely insane and I'd be much much sadder. I love my straight guy friends! I love spending time with them and catching up with them when I have time, such as my birthday that just passed. :slight_smile:
     
  7. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Is it bad?

    Well, it very much depends on how you feel about it and how you think it will affect the quality of relationships with other people, now and in the future.

    I don't mean to sound challenging, but as I read your posting I see a few contradictions in what you are saying. For example, you tell us that it works for you in the last paragraph, but the paragraphs before seem to tell quite a different story - you mention one sided, fake relationships, a desire for stability and commitment and a fear of rejection. To me, it sounds more like you have resigned yourself to your current situation and you have decided to accept it and live with it, rather than choose it. There is an important difference.

    It may seem to 'work' for you, but is it what you really want and most importantly how do you really feel about maintaining this situation over the long term?

    Please understand that my comments are merely a reflection on what I read and are not intended to be hurtful, so if you think I have it all wrong, please let me know why.

    Relationships with other people can certainly be difficult. Our trust is a precious and fragile thing that can be easily broken, but there is undoubtedly a quality to positive and intimate human relationships that benefit us no end.
     
  8. PICollins91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2014
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dueling Banjos, Florida
    I do think having no real friends can have it's affect on you later on down the road but people being judgmental about it is ridiculous. Maybe one of the reasons some might not want to make friends so easy is because of snotty, judgmental types?

    My current friends list is currently at zero and my social life is nonexistent. I had some "friends" back at where I lived before but they were "friends" because I was the one with the PS2, now I just don't mingle with the locals as from what I understand they are mostly selfish jerks anyways from the Mayor. It's sure going to make finding a boyfriend a challenge but I'll try to manage. Like you, I want something that lasts and that's going to make it even more challenging.
     
  9. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2012
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    178
    Location:
    South Africa
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The stability and commitment I was referring to is relationships, not friendships. Quite frankly I don't give a damn about friendships, because it's mostly one-sided and I'm tired of being a "fair weather" friend.

    I'm an extreme introvert and people find it hard to relate to me because of it. I'm so fed up with hearing things like, "You're so quiet" and "If you could say something, what would you say?" Or them silencing the other people to give me opportunity to speak. I fucking HATE it when people do that because I'd rather blend into the background than have all the attention on me. So with that in mind, I'm happy with not having friends and not having a social life. I like to hang out with family, so it's not like I never socialize. I just do it differently than what others perceive as "normal". :lol:
     
  10. wdtgg

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2014
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Spain
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm the exact same, as far as I remember I've been always like that, always the girl that plays with the guys, that is not girly, and as one grows up is more pressure to match other people standards. "You are in your 20s you should have a boyfriend, you don't get one because you don't use make up", bla, bla. Beign bisexual to answer common questions like "What's your type for a guy?" And you always answer, by saying "a partner" and you can't say what your type for a girl is because they won't even consider the possibility of you liking girls aswell, and beign honest you don't really have a type because you care about the person, how they are not exactly just how they look and you go for a long term, not short one.

    Over the years I've made more friends over the internet, some short but most long term, mostly over music, literature and tv shows, true we talk about other things, even personal, but is not as having a friend that would come over your home or you'll go to theirs.

    Let me ask you something and is based on myself, so I don't mean to offend you dear.
    Are you open about your bisexuality? When you've tried to date someone you've told them?

    I didn't, mainly because I hadn't come to terms about it myself, hadn't accepted myself until very recently despite the fact that I've always been like that, bisexual, so when I had a long term boyfriend I didn't told him. I didn't had a long term girlfriend because in that case my fear of rejection stops me to tell her, which is very sad. I need to change that, I know. And honestly I don't know what to do in the future, if tell my partner or not.

    Now, about if is good or not to have few friends or just internet friends, it depends, if you don't feel fine about it then is not fine, more if you feel you've been kinda forced to just that option to socialize, I mean, there's people that are more introvert and they are happy like that, which I am, but sometimes one wishes to have better social skills and go out more often.
     
    #10 wdtgg, Aug 12, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2014
  11. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2012
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    178
    Location:
    South Africa
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yes and no. I don't go around flaunting it but I also don't hide it from people. If they ask, I tell them - that part is easy. I tell potential partners about my bisexuality because I feel it's a big part of who I am, and I don't want to have to hide anything from them.

    It's easier for me to "come out" to people I've just met, than to my own family. I know they will react badly because during my questioning stage, around the time I joined EC, I came out to my parents as lesbian and the reaction wasn't at all what I expected. They are extreme homophobes, and my mom said some really hurtful things. I went back in the closet because of it. I even broke up with my girlfriend at the time because of the shit they were giving me about it. So yeah, when it comes to my close family, I choose to remain closeted, and keep any same-sex relationships secret.

    It's hard but I know they would never accept it, and my parents do not believe in bisexuality. In their eyes someone is either straight, or gay/lesbian, there's no "middle ground" so to speak. And explaining to them that bisexuality is real is going to be a royal pain in the butt so that's another reason I remain closeted (to them).

    Conclusion: I'm about 90% open about my bisexuality

    I have this picture as a display picture on one of my instant messenger apps:

    [​IMG]

    Nobody has asked me what it means yet and I don't know what I'd do should someone ask. I had the bisexual colours as a display picture and my sister asked me what it means. I couldn't tell her so I just shrugged. She said "weird" and we left it there.

    So I basically live a double life. At home I live the straight life but in my own little world I'm free to be who I really am, and date whoever I want, without getting judged by anyone. It takes its toll on me, for sure but I just can't go through the same hell I had to endure when I initially came out to my parents :icon_sad:

    Sorry, this turned into a ramble. Hope it makes sense and answers your question sufficiently :slight_smile:
     
  12. Abi

    Abi Guest

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2014
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Narnia
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm the same, I currently have no social life
     
  13. Shaded

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2014
    Messages:
    258
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ....
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I'm in the same boat as you.
    After graduating I lost contact gradually with my friends and haven't spoken to them, I left it for too long. I guess I better get out and find some new friends. (If only it was that easy)
     
  14. Hexagon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2011
    Messages:
    8,558
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Earth
    If it works for you, then that's all you need. Just go with what you feel comfortable. There's no good and bad in this.
     
  15. robotman

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2013
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    I'm practically the same. I do have afew friends but I just don't feel close with them, I try to meet up with them and like they get back to me so infrequently that I just don't even try anymore. I am kind of fed up at this point in my life. I want to meet people and I don't really know where to begin. I also don't want to get too old feeling like this but I have this terrible feeling that I will be like this forever. I have been feeling this way for 2 years now. I doubt that it is going to change any time soon :frowning2:.