I use to be suicidal at age 12 and feel extremely depress , I no longer feel that as an adult and since my come out my self esteem has gotten better but my mom triggers my suicidal thoughts if that makes sense and at time I relapsed into feeling suicidal because of her and if I feel extreme stress . I'm worried if I go back way , will I go back that way .
You might be having the occasional suicidal ideation, which many people have. I'd like to think that as for a real suicidal desire, that has passed. But I still think about death and dying more than I would like...
As of now and for a few years I had not been suicidal but I worry it will come back the last time I felt suicidal was age 18 .
Yes, it's definitely possible for suicidal thoughts to recur. In many cases, people who have thought of committing or have attempted suicide have a much higher risk of suicidal thoughts than those that haven't.
If you're a depressed person for whatever reason then I think it would be extremely possible to become suicidal again. Unfortunately, those painful emotions don't stop for anything. Just because your self-esteem has gotten better (congrats, by the way ), doesn't mean that there aren't other things that could potentially cause you to feel helpless and hopeless in life.
Emotions, states of being, passion, can all sway and boil. I know for me, personally, that the state of being suicidal is always at arm's length. Often times, I don't think about it, or give it much thought; but a particular comment, an incident in life, bad vibes from somebody, a rough day at work, being tired, school, and so on and so forth, can sway around the possibilities, or boil the sensations, into action. It's not so much about allowing yourself to be moved, it's more so about how long you allow this so-called boiling to fester. Eventually, anything that boils, will be able to eat through its container; which in this case, is you. This is when, in my experience, we have allowed ourselves to become reacquainted, with what we have always had, or potentially could have. But before that happens, you always have several checkpoints, to stop and 'catch yourself', and begin to ask why you're feeling like that. Most people, though, don't think about solutions, they tend to think of possible outcomes, usually worse than the reality would be, and so it enslaves them to a continual self-beating. At least, this is how it tended to be for me. So, yes, it is possible. However, anyone who returns to something, should, hopefully, be better informed and capable, than they were before, to handle the experience. I like to believe I am.
Kaiser has got it. I beat the hell out of myself mentally, and then the thing I dreaded came along and I handled it even though I wasn't as prepared as I could have been. Face the problem is the best way. It can be so hard though.
Suicidal thoughts and feelings can, and sometimes do return, but the return of these feelings shouldn't alarm us into thinking that death by suicide is inevitable. It's definitely not. Even if we reach crisis point a meaningful intervention can make all the difference, but we shouldn't be allowing ourselves (or others) to reach crisis point. If we are vigilant and alert to the signs in ourselves and others, we can and should seek immediate help and support that will keep us safe. The risk increases when we ignore the signs. If you have been through a suicidal episode in the past, you should, as Kaiser pointed out, be more alert to a decline in your emotional condition and increase in risk. As soon as you see these signs, you must take positive action. Hopefully, you will have learned some coping strategies for keeping yourself safe - the most important of which is to talk about your feelings in detail with someone who can offer support and help. Bottling it all up will do no good at all. Any one of us can experience suicidal ideation. If the perfect storm occurs in our lives at any time it can plunge us into a deep emotional crisis where the thought of ending it all becomes very real and appealing. I defy anyone to say never, ever me. BUT, there is a difference between thinking and acting. The following link (to the UK NHS) includes some of the key warning signs: Suicide - Warning signs - NHS Choices