I recently was chatting with this guy I met just while out and about, and he sent a few signals that he might actually like me back (despite trying to act 'calm and collected', a few times the way I laughed or smiled must surely have given away my attraction to him). At the end, when our business was concluded (he was in a customer service role), he actually extended his hand and introduced himself...I was of course shy and nervous despite my efforts to hide it. But now I'm thinking, is it necessary at some stage to take the risk that you might be mistaken, and try to arrange to maybe get to know someone better? It makes sense to make it appear solely as an invitation to friendship, of course, as that is less awkward etc; but still, even that feels like a risk of sorts for me. But is that what it takes, do we have to essentially find a bit of courage here? I didn't get this handsome devil's phone number but lol at least I know where he works hehe...whatever happens I'm looking forward to paying my next account, can hardly wait for the next bill to come through, actually...:icon_wink
You must become vulnerable in order to really connect with other people and I would say that this is a part of that. It totally sucks ass though.
Depends on how you define risk. If talking to strangers is no problem, then it's not much of a risk. But I think we do need to be a little risky sometimes. Yeah, rejection happens unfortunately, but you won't know the outcome when you don't try.
way I see it You are bound to find risks meeting for the first time so it's up to you to minimize the risk like meet in a familiar place . take a friend along .
Just a suggestion, but if you are meeting someone in person who you have made contact with online, a good place to meet is in a public park, such as for a picnic sort of lunch, which you can grab at a Subway on the way. You can have a conversation without having someone sitting next to you at another table to listen in. There are many different directions you can leave in if you get uncomfortable. The location is very casual by nature, so you can relax, play with a frisbee or a ball, or just sit and talk with plenty of other people around you, but not closely around you.
Thank you everyone for your replies. I should have clarified that the 'risk' I was referring to specifically, was the risk of rejection. I feel as though life just isn't going to hand a boyfriend to me on a silver platter (but hey, life, if you're listening, please feel free), that I am going to have to be proactive and overcome this old habit I have, of preferring to be 'safe' and do nothing, rather than take a risk and actually try for something I really want. Even when I get signals that someone else actually might like me back, my habit is to still doubt. Hence, to try to strike up a friendship for example, just to see how that goes, seems scary, in a way, like an 'uncharted sea'. I guess I just wanted some validation that without risk, there is no reward, and I appreciate all of your comments and feedback. I am just...struggling with my old habit of 'playing it safe' and putting off having to actually make the first move - even when that 'move' can be presented as something quite 'innocent' so to speak, just a guy striking up a friendship with another, I mean that happens every day, right? - but the thing is, the occasion I mentioned above, was one of the first times in my life where I found myself having to maintain my 'calm and collected' composure around a guy, I mean I had to keep a handle on how I laughed or smiled around him because I was almost slipping into 'girly mode' with him...:redface: and the fact that despite this, he still kind of introduced himself properly at the end, made me feel even more attracted to him...like, he saw a side of me that honestly no guy has seen before, but did not get put off by it. It almost gives me butterflies thinking about it. So my nerves are twofold: I'm worried I might get rejected, but I'm also nervous that I might actually succeed - if that makes sense... thank you again for your feedback.
Actually, I relate a lot to where you're coming from (especially the fear about rejection but also the fear of succeeding). So do know you're not alone in feeling this way. Rejection, as much as it sucks, is just... I dunno, some things just aren't meant to work out. But, you still have time to see how things work out and get to know him better and try to see how he feels about you as well. and hey, you never know. With this kind of thing, the worst thing that can happen is that he says "no." It hurts, but you made the attempt and that's a great thing to do. At the same time, success means elevated expectations and a new-found pressure to not fail that you didn't have before so you try to avoid that pressure too. (At least, I think that's the general consensus on that.) Playing it safe doesn't lead to much of anything, but it's a comfortable spot and it's hard to want to leave. Yeah, you definitely do have to take risk - putting yourself out there isn't easy, even if it's just meeting someone to try and become friends with them. It means you have to be vulnerable and "expose" yourself and it may not end well. But, it may also end well. I do wish you the best of luck.
Well seeing as you don't know the guy, it seems there are three options: 1. You don't do anything. Never see him again. 2. Talk to him again, ask for his number, get rejected. Never see him again. 3. Talk to him again, ask him out or something, he says yes. Success! You don't really have anything to lose. With strangers, the only risk you take is with your pride. It's only when you let people close that there's anything to really lose (that's not a cry for antisocial behavior and mistrust of people by the way, its definitely good to let people close to you)
You make an incisive point there: just making the attempt is good in itself, whatever the outcome. I should focus on that, and not have too many expectations of whatever may come after. Thank you for that. ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2014 at 07:19 PM ---------- Thank you, that's another good reason as to why I ought to just 'make the attempt' without stressing too much. A word of explanation...it 'feels' more intense than it normally would, because well, I've never had the kinds of feelings I'm having before (not towards a guy, I mean). I've been through all this with women, but not with a guy. Pah I am going to embarrass myself and confess that I've thought about him every day since I met him, and as I go to sleep I'm thinking about him, in a romantic way I mean. This is new for me. When I first began accepting my bisexuality, my feelings for guys were basically sexual. Even if I met a 'cute guy' irl, while out and about, I didn't then keep thinking about them, nor did I hug my pillow every night imagining it was him :redface: . Yes this is just a crush, because after all I don't really know him! But interestingly, I just now was at the supermarket, and was assisted by a guy who pretty much set off my gaydar, and was cute as well...but I'm still thinking of the original guy I have a crush on, you know? And I kind of 'don't trust myself' too, because the kinds of women I used to attract, were usually not right for me - I won't go into details, and I'm not saying I was right for them, either, just saying, I seemed to have a knack for getting attracted to the wrong person. So now, I have that doubt, too. I hardly know him, so why do I keep thinking of him, why is there 'something about him' for me? But I think I have grown a bit more now, I respect myself a bit more now, and hope that I'm not repeating history. I guess the trick is to take things slowly, not to rush. I think that getting to know someone gradually, will be important for me. I need to be careful I don't lose my composure and end up consummating anything too soon, because in my experience, that has not been a good way to go about it, in hindsight. Although if we are on an outing of some kind, and he draws me in for a kiss, I'm definitely going to yield and let him have it. x
I think you definitely need to put yourself out there if you want to find good things in life--boyfriends or really anything else. I think a lot of time we are sitting around waiting for what the universe has already delivered. It reminds me of an old joke they tell in church circles. So there's a terrible flood and a man is trapped on top of his house and can't escape. But he has faith and he prays that he will be delivered. Soon a boat comes by and the man inside yells jump in I can take you to safety, but the man has faith and has prayed and knows that God will deliver him. Soon a helicopter drops a ladder and someone yells grab hold the water's rising. But he has faith and he knows the Lord will deliver him so he stays put. The water rises and he dies--and as he's entering the pearly gates he says WTF, I prayed for deliverance and you forsook me. And God, of course, says what the hell are you talking about I sent a freakin' helicopter. I guess what I'm saying is maybe this is your silver platter. It sounds like the little introduction at the end of your business dealings was not necessary for those business dealings and in fact was probably him putting himself out there. In fact it's quite possible that he went home feeling like maybe he was rejected. I think the thing with rejection is not to put all your emotional eggs in one basket--meet people, lots of people. The world is full of people you will not date. Even if it turns out the two of you will only be friends--or maybe not even that--don't assign any special significance to that. As they say in sales: some will, some won't, someone's waiting. When you have been out for a while you will notice that sometimes straight people will try to set you up, and the notion behind it seems to be you're gay and I know someone else who is gay--tadah love connection! Obviously it doesn't work that way and it's a little insulting that they think it does--nobody says wait, wait you're a man? I know someone and she's a woman! The thing is, especially when they first come out, a lot of gay people do that to themselves--if I could just find another gay person we'll be happy! And it leads to an immense fear of rejection because subconsciously they pin such huge hopes on that other person. It sounds like this could be someone you could date, or just be friends with, or make flirty small talk with at his place of employment--or maybe just a nice guy you have occasional business dealings with. All those things are good--and the difference between those outcomes probably won't even be anything personal. Again, just don't invest the whole thing with too much importance. He's a nice guy, just be nice back!
