It has been said before. A common theme with people here is either to have had unpleasant pasts or unpleasant presents. Or both. Anyway, I'm wondering something. To those who've had painful experiences in the past, perhaps of the type that lead to depression, but have gotten over that, have they changed you? If so, for better or worse?
I think they changed me for the better. I feel I'm a vastly stronger person now than I would have been had my mom not married my dad and moved back to Alaska. A lot of bad stuff went down as a result of that, to the point where I finally pretty much reached a 'been there, done that' kind of place and largely shrug off stuff that I've seen other people turn into quivering heaps over. I also have little inclination to put up with people trying to force me to do things I don't want to do or to tolerate situations I don't like. In my experience there is almost always a way to fix a situation - if you're willing to simply do what must be done, even if you aren't happy about it. My 2c worth, Todd
Without getting to depressing, since I didn't have much of anyone to turn to during most of my early and mid-childhood to combat the criticism that I received without my home, I learned to be the biggest supported of myself. My self-worth, acceptance, assurance, or even overall drive in life were things that I had to instill in myself alone. (This was a time before I had ever discovered any sort of website such as this.) Though it is still a bit unfortunate that when I view other people's journeys (LGBTQ or otherwise), who had a support system, or even simply one person, who was within their families or outside social circles that helped them through it, I am reminded that I can't say the same; I am happy that I will never doubt whether I can work through my struggles internally or achieve my goals without that assistance.
I have suffered throughout life for many reasons. The main two would be my abusive father and my mental illnesses. My mental illnesses made me see things that are so awful I can barely describe them. Nothing I've seen in any horror movie has been able to scare me since my onset. I'm mostly better now, but I still struggle with some things. If I could change my life and forget about all my suffering, I wouldn't do it. Through my suffering I have experienced depths of the human experience that most people couldn't imagine. Even when I recount my experiences they are so non linear that other people can't follow the train of thought because they had never experienced things like it. I've felt emotions that don't have names and experienced things that could never be. Now that I'm through it for the most part, I will never take my life for granted. I will never think it's the end of the world because I have a zit I can't cover with makeup and it's the night of the prom. Every moment where I'm happy is a gift. I 100% believe that my suffering has improved me.
I have suffered a lot, but it was mostly psychological. I think in ways I'm profoundly damaged, and I probably need professional help to recover fully. What I have been able to recover from on my own I think has shaped me for the better. I think that if I had live a completely sheltered life (and I am comparatively speaking still sheltered), I would have less capacity for empathy than I do. Much of this distress has been because of sexism, my serious conflicts with masculinity, my sexual orientation, and lately, my gender identity. I still don't wish any of it away. I'm very glad I didn't turn out to be straight. That would seriously suck. It's better to have something in common with people who have suffered.
I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I'm going to therapy for it now. As I recover, I feel like the way I perceive myself and the world around me is changing for the better and it's helping me realise things that I've never realised before. I think my struggles have definitely played a role in shaping who I am.
I don't know if I've suffered in a single life-altering way, but day-to-day stresses have increased to the point where I am much better able to keep a cool head in tough situations. It's a trait I'm very fond of despite how unpleasant it was to achieve.
Unfortunately, I don't think long-term depression can be completely eliminated, but it can be effectively managed. In my case, my experiences made me mature very quickly in terms of learning what is fair and just, to learn at least some delayed gratification, that actions speak louder than words, and to be more emotionally in tune with others' feelings than my introverted personality would suggest.
Sometimes I think suffering builds character. Sometimes I think suffering just begets more suffering and you start to accept and expect it.
So people who haven't had a lot of suffering are flat characters? I must be like a pancake. That's rather depressing. I have had stressful situations and been in tough times, but it's not much compared to people who have experienced life-changing trauma. I have grown up in a loving household with resources (besides transgender resources) but have been exposed to so much suffering, I'd like to think I have a decent capability to empathize.
well my man, i would definitely say this whole experience that we (lgbt+) are sometimes forced to go through, i have used to become someone stronger than i ever thought possible. i've been going through this roller coaster for eight years now and i've (sadly and stupidly) got the scars to prove it. i've been through depression and had to make my way through a lot of bad stuff to make it to where i am today. and i'm proud i've made it past all that. am i on golden beaches right now? no. but the path i walk(ed) has given me the strength to propel myself to whatever i want. for that, i'm oddly... thankful for how things have gone because, without all that happening i doubt i would be as motivated to do better as i am today. so, to answer your question man, yes, i do believe that my own suffering has helped form who i am today. in the same way that fertilizer helps a plant grow further than it would under normal circumstances... but you need the start or the seed of good character before you can ever hope to grow it in any way, suffering or otherwise. wow... that got deep towards the end there, didn't it?
Suffering is not the only way to breed character, but it is one of the most revealing. When one is provided love and acceptance, it is much easier to become detached from the world, perhaps even take such things for granted. Suffering is deprivation of something, be it food, emotion, or acceptance, or a multitude of other things. To be denied something, often shows one's strength, as well as their true nature, and in a much quicker though harsh manner. When you are showered in praise, affection, and support, it is easier to be happy. The likelihood you will assume everyone else, is like this, or within reach of this, becomes greater. Suffering can be humiliating, but it can humble. You learn what bends you, breaks you, even cracks you to pieces, but you also learn, why this is so. You learn to either overcome or go under, you have to. It teaches you what will propel you to action, what you truly want, and the means you are willing to use, to move through life -- do you endure, or do you push? If you endure, what are you waiting for? If you push, what are you moving towards? In a strange sort of way, I kind of embrace suffering. This doesn't mean I want to experience it all the time, but I do like to learn from it. What caused this? Why did it cause this? How am I feeling? How can I resolve/end this? How will I apply this, to my life? Can I handle this again, if it happens? And so on and so on. While, initially, I may not be tickled to death about it, I do my best to take advantage of the predicament. After all, why turn a bad situation into a terrible one? I may not be able to stop something, but I can, to a degree, control how severe it becomes.
Beautiful words, Kaiser, and full of solid content. (*hug*) Sometimes, I try to respond to threads where our users are in the process of suicidal ideation. Rarely can I come up with a good response, so I usually just summon EC staff to their aid. One thing I did say once, to a person who was experiencing constant torment, was to try and express the love behind a wonderful quote from James Baldwin: "People who cannot suffer can never grow up, can never discover who they are. That person who is forced each day to snatch their person-hood, their identity out of the fire of human cruelty that rages to destroy it knows, if she survives her effort, and even if she does not survive it, something about herself and human life that no school on earth and, indeed, no church can teach. She achieves her own authority, and that is unshakable."
ehh i'm still living. people always say that i'm quite the character when they get to know me. i guess you can say that somehow it does or it doesn't. there's a saying in Buddhism that love and hate should share the same space, just as the hot and cold air would (i'm casting aside the science politics for a minute and just think metamorphically on this) i've come to learn that when i was "suffering" through hard times, and i'm still am in a way. the more you understand it, the better it is for you to shoulder it through. in my opinion, the very essence of suffering is something that all of LGBT people have in common. it's a struggle to understand what we naturally are, and either we hate it or don't. to add on top of that, it becomes a bit of a war outside your mind and surround yourself with everyday propaganda that defies your very being. sometimes it even hits close to home. there's a lot more to it, that i'm sure of. you can see what it can do to a person, whether it's noticeable or not.
