Oh well, for some reason coming out keeps crossing my mind in random conversations with my friends and it isn’t necessarily a good idea. Like the other day I was talking about smoking prohibitions and stuff with a dude friend of mine (we both smoke) and he aggressively supported that smoking should be allowed anywhere while I strongly said it should be completely prohibited. Then he just raged and said that anyone should be free to do whatever he wants anywhere he wants. Then I was basically on the edge of talking about gay marriage, acceptance and that kind of stuff, but I obviously tend to avoid talking about those subjects because supporting then would kind of blow my closet cover and I am not a hypocrite and try to pretend to be against them. I live in a very conservative country where homophobic politicians get a lot of support in their beliefs, it’s not Russia but it’s close. I obviously made some pretty open minded friends over the years and I am not afraid of loosing them, but that doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t start treating me different because they do have an ignorant mentality regarding this topic specific of this country. I am afraid of being bullied, attacked by other people eventually finding out, I don’t have a very strong self confidence and that would go down the drain if I had such incidents. I drunkenly came out my girl best friend a few months ago in a club, after she kept insisting that I should try to talk to some girl because “She would do her if she was a guy” and then I asked her to come outside with me for a few minutes and I just told her that I am gay and I am sick of pretending. She reacted really nicely and she’s very supportive, but I still feel a a bit awkward to talk about my gayness and we didn’t really talk about it much more. The sad part of the story is that we stopped talking after she got a boyfriend (she always goes off the radar when she’s in a relationship and I am kind of mad at that). Now, I am not so scared of coming out to my girl-friends but more about the guy friends. Dudes are usually very comfortable with each other (sometimes it even makes me uncomfortable like talking about genitals, grooming them or any form of sex). I’ve always slept over at friend’s houses, sometimes even in the same bed and I really respect everyone’s sexuality and I would never even try to make a move on anyone but obviously things like that will get screwed. The thing is that I am sick of having straight friends telling me “Look at that girl’s ass” or whatever and being forced to agree or make up some sort of crappy opinion I just can’t have. I barely respond to those talks, some friends even realised I am not the kind of person to talk about that stuff and just gave up on that topic with me which is kind of nice but kind of worries me because they probably suspect that I am gay or whatever. I also hate overhearing ignorant discussions about how HIV is a sickness that comes from anal sex and the usual gay hatred and that “Who’s the woman” question without understanding that guys like guys and don’t need to fake a woman in a relationship. And that common idea that liking dicks makes you somehow inferior and something to look down to. For some reason the idea of coming out keeps crossing my mind, but for some reason I feel I can't afford to do that right now, any ideas? I am moving to college in a few weeks and I will live with two of my best friends, so coming out after making such an agreement would kind of make me a douche...
