Oh, the cliches that I know will be attached with this!! I'm sure many of you have experienced this at one point or another, because certainly it's been a cliche for awhile. At any rate... I really just need to get this out. I haven't been on the boards in many months, not since I was first coming to terms with my sexuality. I've come a long way since then, now identifying confidently as a lesbian, and I'm starting to realize that I think maybe I'm in love with my best friend. A quick background... we have been super close for about a year... not long, but it was one of those friendships where we immediately clicked and got close really fast. The whole time we've been friends she's had a boyfriend, whom she's been with for about three years. She's told me before that she doesn't consider herself bisexual because she could never be in a relationship with a girl, but that she would be curious about being with a girl sexually. I always kind of shrugged it off because it was never like that between us. We used to work together, and there was a running joke at work for the longest time that everyone thought we were secretly dating. That's just sort of how we acted... looking back, we did sort of have a very "coupley" friendship. I could see how people would think that. We were always together. She spent more time with me than she did with her boyfriend, and whenever they were fighting or not getting along (which was frequent) she and I had both made comments about how I'm a better girlfriend to her than he is boyfriend. Again, it was never taken seriously but the comments were made. When people teased us for having a secret relationship, I at one point asked her if it bothered her that they said that, and she said no... she told me she would actually be super flattered. So at the time these little details didn't seem like anything because I was mad crushing on another girl for months and months but that fizzled out. Anyway, about two months ago me and my friend had a big fight... she started pulling away from me and it freaked me out so I probably ended up pushing her even more. But she didn't talk to me for over a month... wouldn't return my texts or calls. It absolutely tore me up. I started analyzing everything and couldn't figure out why I was SO devastated. I mean, I would be upset about losing a close friend, yeah. But this just felt different somehow. I began to wonder if maybe I had feelings for her and just didn't realize until I lost her. I started to realize that maybe the reason I hated her boyfriend wasn't just because he was a crappy boyfriend... but it was because I knew I could give her better. It was weird for me because normally when I'm into someone, it comes from this crazy attraction and infatuation... and grows into feelings... Whereas with her, I never thought of her in a sexual way. She was my best friend. If I started to develop feelings, they grew out of wanting to take care of her and wanting to give her the world, which is different for me. I feel like usually those kind of feelings come later for me. I went through everything, trying to figure out why she would've pushed me away. I even wondered if maybe SHE had feelings for ME, and it scared her. I really don't know. Maybe that was wishful thinking. Anyway... I finally got her to respond to one of my calls last week. We've talked a little bit and she says that she misses me... but I'm really skeptical and scared. She doesn't know how I feel... heck, I don't even know how I feel. And I don't know how she feels. But I'm terrified to say anything. So I guess I don't know if I'm asking for advice or what, but I just needed to get this out.
I had a very similar experience. I never did confront him about my feelings and I'm very glad I didn't. I saw him again a few months ago for the first time in years. It was diamonds and rust all over again. Knowing myself the way I do, it's easy for me to see why I'm so attracted to him, but at the same time I get really angry with myself for wanting him so badly still. It's just such a stupid way to be when there has never been any possibility of having him. I know I can't grow out of the feelings so I just have to accept reality and be determined not to act on it in any way.
I've definitely been there before. It's a little hard to remember because it was so long ago, but I used to like my best friend when I was 15. I don't know if I would say I was in love with her because I smashed the feelings. I wouldn't let myself entertain the thought of being with her for long. It was unknown territory to me at the time and made me really uncomfortable to feel that way about a girl. Especially my best friend. I never told her and still haven't. Fast forward to now. I'm 22 and I have a different best friend. Still close with the other girl, but not like we used to be. I've actually known both of them since I was 11. Anyways, my best friend dates these really crummy guys. They'll always be breaking up. While they're broken up she'll hit me up more and tell me she loves and appreciates me more and whatnot. I even went over to her house after a break up at 2 a.m. because she wanted me there to cuddle with her. Her problem is that she hates being alone, so if she doesn't have a backup guy, she'll go right back to her awful exes. Aaaand I'm back to the back burner. So where is this going you might ask? Well I feel the same way you do when you say that you hate her boyfriends because you know you could give her better. I feel like none of these guys are good enough for her and that I would know how to be the perfect girlfriend to her. So would I be happier if she was with a guy who did treat her like she deserves? I'm... not sure. Would I be glad or would I be jealous of him? Hm. Weird to think about. We get in very couple-y types of fights as well. I usually never fought with my best friends, but I get really emotional about her. Some of the things she does drives me up the wall, but I would be really really upset if she was out of my life. During our "fights" it usually involves me ignoring her for a day or two until she starts "apologizing" for what she thinks she might have done. Either that or she'll tell me I'm being dramatic or salty about whatever it is. Truth is, I don't know why I get so dramatic with her. I'm usually not like that at all. I know I love her as a best friend, but I don't know if that's all I'm feeling. I do know that I'm really protective of her. She even said that if we go out somewhere and a guy is hitting on her, to pretend that she's my girlfriend. To be completely honest, I'm looking forward to when that happens. Is that bad? What does that even mean? I don't even know if that's a normal best friend feeling or gay feelings. The one thing she asked of me after I came out was to not fall in love with her like her guy best friends did. That was before I realized how much control she unknowingly has over my feelings, so I agreed not to. It's difficult to think of her in a sexual way, but I really don't want to. She's my best friend. I would just feel creepy if I wanted to sleep with her. I don't know if what I feel is romantic or potentially romantic. Even if romantic feelings did develop, I don't think I could ever be with her like that because I would be so terrified of losing what we do have as best friends. I know she'd experiment with a girl, but she says she could never date one. So if something did happen on a drunken night, it wouldn't end well for me. All of this while simultaneously crushing on a girl who has a girlfriend. My life, I swear... I'm sorry this isn't really advice if that's even what you were looking for. I guess I'm just here to tell you that you aren't alone.
Soooo weird how similar your situation is to mine. Maybe I missed this from your post, but, do you have feelings for her? In kind of a best friendish way? Cause that's sort of how I'm feeling... especially where you said you can't really imagine sleeping with her, or that you think it would be weird. That's how I feel. But at the same time, it feels like more than friendship. I so just wish things could go back to normal. She's still not really answering my texts, whereas we used to talk nonstop pretty much every day. I just miss her.
Yeah our situations are very much alike. I found a lot of ways to relate to your story. It's not like I think about "loving" her all the time or anything like that. It's background music if anything. I still get huge crushes on other girls. What I feel for her isn't exactly giddy, crazy "crush" material. It's deeper and less crazy obsessive. Yet, I wouldn't call it being "in love." It's weird. I was never planning to talk about my best friend like this. I kept it all in my head because I didn't want to face my feelings. Typing all that out really forced me to think about it, though. I felt sad afterwards... I feel like it's one of those situations where I think if I met her now instead of 11 years ago, I would be able to feel romantic and sexual feelings towards her. Because I mean I love her personality (most parts of it at least), she's beautiful, sexy, and cute at the same time, she's smart and driven, we make up for what the other lacks, we have a lot of fun together even when we aren't doing anything but talking in her bed late at night. But since I've known her for forever, I don't feel comfortable thinking about her in a sexual way. Especially if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings. The absolute last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable and awkward around me. I don't want to lose my best friend. So I do love her as a best friend, but I just feel like it's more than that. I don't know how much more, honestly. I don't know which feelings are normal best friend feelings and which ones are gay-girl-in-love-with-her-best-friend feelings. I couldn't tell you how a straight girl feels about her best friend because I just don't know. I've felt a strong connection to all three of the three best friends I've had in my life. Gay connection? Not sure. But I have always felt like I, for lack of a better word, cared more about my best friends than they did about me. Like I was more attached to them than they were to me. I think it would be so weird sleeping with her because I could only imagine how bizarre our friendship would be afterwards. Then again, she doesn't repulse me. She's totally bangable lol. Like I said, if I had met her more recently could probably sleep with her without feeling weird. If I'm being completely honest, I want to kiss her. I could totally do that. Thinking about that doesn't weird me out. I'm not going to be the one to initiate it though. She's going to have to flat out tell me that she wants to kiss me so I know. I would still be hesitant on where I'm "allowed" to put my hands and how passionately I'm allowed to kiss her. I don't know the etiquette for kissing your best friend. Especially when one of you is gay. Why isn't she answering your texts? Are you guys fighting again or is she pre-occupied with her shit boyfriend?
I know exactly what you mean! One of my friends in a circle was someone who i have known for about five years, but i never really got to know him properly. Only over the past year have i actually begun to speak to him properly. I have slowly found a deep admiration and respect for him. While he is not perfect, i think he is just amazing and he pretty much ticks all my boxes. I never found him physically attractive, but i found myself having very deep feelings for him after me and some others spent the weekend together on holiday. I dont know what it is about him, but i feel i really care for him, in ways which i dont for some of my other, much closer friends. I feel he could be there for me if i needed it. But yeah, its painful when they're straight. Thats the worst thing. i have long come to terms with him being straight, but i still have feelings for him. if you want, i think you need to slowly accept that maybe you can't be a thing. While this wont get rid of your feelings for her, it may put your mind at rest.
the haunted: I couldn't have said it better myself. Honestly our situations are so similar, it's scary. Everything you said is pretty much dead on to how I feel. Even the part about how you've always felt more connected to your best friends than they do to you, or than other people do to their best friends, etc. I totally relate to that, and once I started coming to terms with the fact that I was gay, I started questioning all my past friendships because I know that I've always held them to a different standard. Is it in a gay way? Is that just my personality? I really have no idea. It's actually caused problems for me in the past thought because I get so hung up on these relationships. To answer your question about the texts... I really don't know. We used to talk all the time, and I literally mean all the time. We were those annoying people who, minutes after hanging out, would already be texting again. She was the person I was always talking to. First one in the morning, last one before bed. And once we started having problems, that changed. She started taking hours or even days to respond to my texts, sometimes not even responding at all. When I called her out on it, she said she was "busy" which I took as BS since it's not like she was suddenly any busier than she was before... she had the same job, the same everything. So I don't know. That's kind of how she's being now. Yeah, we're sort of being civil again, but it's not like it was before, where we're either constantly hanging out or constantly having a back and forth texting conversation. I imagine she truly is busy... she has two jobs, the boyfriend (.....meh), and other friends. I don't doubt that she's busy. I think it's just that before, I was a priority... and now I'm kind of not. Regardless, it still bugs me because I just don't get the not responding thing... like unless you don't look at your phone all day, how hard is it to just respond! It takes two seconds... lol whatever. hello1992: Yeah, it really is the weirdest thing. Especially when you don't really feel the physical attraction or look at them in a sexual way at all... and then these emotional feelings creep out of nowhere!
Oh yeah I've always held my best friends to a really high standard. I'd get really hurt and angry when they would do me wrong somehow. I desperately wanted them to feel as intensely about me as I did about them, but it would never happen. It made me think that something was wrong with me. Like I was a lame friend and that's why they weren't as attached. I know my best friend loves me to death, but it just feels like a different kind of love than what I feel for her. I feel like I would do so much more for her to make her happy than what she would do for me. I would sacrifice my time and do things I don't want to do just so we could spend time together. I do sometimes, actually. Wow I just realized how gay that is when I typed it out... Jeeze, I'm a big homo lol. I've often wondered if it was just my personality too, but I don't feel so intensely about all of my friends. Even my old best friend who I'm still super close to (the one I liked when I was 15. She's practically my other best friend). Just her. She's held to the highest standard and has the most effect on my emotions out of any of my friends. It makes me feel reeeeally vulnerable. Oh wow so you two never got sick of each other then. I see how it must really hurt you to not receive the kind of attention you got before. I've totally been there. I'm kind of there now. It took her two days to reply to a text and I nearly lost my shit. I vented to my other bff/ex-bf and her ex boyfriend. They both thought she was being shitty too. I felt like a dick talking about her like that but I was so mad. It hurt because I know she's constantly looking at her phone. And I know when she has class, and she texted me back while she was bored waiting for class to start. I just know it. But you're right, it literally takes two seconds to reply. I used to talk to a girl who would always make "I'm busy" excuses like that. Such BS. I think that's what hurts, you know? The fact that it's so simple to reply and they just don't. And you know that they're replying to their boyfriends... You should try to ask her to go out to lunch or something and catch up. See if she can commit to that.
At this point I'm not texting her right now because she hasn't responded to the last three or four things I've sent her. So it is what it is. She did, however, remember to text me on Saturday.... I went to a concert that I bought tickets for way back in May. She was supposed to go with me. Obviously, after everything, I assumed she was no longer going so I made plans to go with another friend. However, she texted me WHILE I WAS THERE nonchalantly being like "Hey did you ever go to that concert?" Yeah, bs. She was at the baseball game that was also going on in the city at the same time and knew the concert was going on. She just wanted to see if I went with someone else, I'm sure. Funny how that works. She's at least somewhat bothered by it or at least curious but can't manage to text me back when I text HER.
Oh wow. I would be so pissed. It's amazing how some people, especially your best friend, can be so crummy sometimes. My best friend really dislikes that girl I liked when I was 15 and she gets so irked when I tell her that I hung out with her or talked to her. It's like they don't want to give us the time of day until we start talking to someone else who actually talks back. Did she go to the game with her boyfriend? I'm sorry if she blew you off for him. I definitely know the feeling. I wish people wouldn't just drop their friends like hot potatoes once they start seeing someone. Does your friend ever dangle herself in front of you by any chance? Like she wants you to want her? Because my friend likes to do that. Before I realized I was gay, she wouldn't have any problems getting naked in front of me and she still doesn't. But sometimes she gets... weird. She likes to send me naked snapchats sometimes and last night she sent me one of just her nipple :dry: I don't know if she sent that to anyone else because she's kind of an exhibitionist and all. Sometimes she'll ask me if she looks hot or whatever. When I say "yes" she says something along the lines of, "Okay good, I like when lesbians think I'm hot." Not those exact words, but that's basically what she was implying. I don't know why she wants gay women to like her. She gets plenty of attention from guys. She even got super butt hurt when I told her that she wasn't my type (I kind of lied about that. I just didn't want her to get creeped out by me. This was soon after I came out.). But I don't know, I just think sometimes she likes to tease me and throw herself at me in some ways. She even mentioned "experimenting" together. :eusa_doh: Do straight girls get this worked up over their female friends? I wish we had some sort of straight girl viewpoint lol. Yeah I think you have to be a full member to use that feature I would say you could e-mail me, but I don't want to get banned from this site for 30 days lol. This thread has kind of just turned into us talking haha. I'll friend you and maybe we can move this to our profile walls.
Well, crushes happen. I think the easiest way to get over a crush is just to try to distance yourself from the person as painful as it is. I have had to distance myself from my crush as well to get over her, and I still feel myself missing her or feeling paranoid that she doesn't message me as much anymore. In my experience as well, I also feel like crushes on straight women aren't worth it, because so many straight girls are disrespectful to lesbians and even try to take advantage of them sexually; treating them more like used sex objects. Not saying this is the case here of course. But I can't see this working out well if you have a deep infatuation for her and she knows she could never date a woman but yet is curious about them sexually; if anything were to happen between you, I'd worry that you'd end up feeling used and hurt. But I do understand the feeling, and it sucks. Wishing you could be there for someone, being paranoid when they don't respond, thinking you'd make the better partner....It's very real for someone who is infatuated, and it takes time to overcome.
