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I really love him

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Ferreiran1234, Sep 11, 2014.

  1. Ferreiran1234

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    So me and my boyfriend have been together now almost a year. We met at college and shortly after starting our relationship we decided to become roommates and switched rooms with our old roommates to live together. We became each other's best friends and did everything together. It was the best semester of my life with him. We pushed our beds together and slept together ate every meal together. He was truly my best friend. At the end of the semester we both had to go back home and we both knew that we were transferring out of that college to colleges closer to our homes. He's from California and I'm from New York. He felt it was best we just be friends until someday it is easier for us and we can physically be together. I however said I wanted to try long distance. He shot me down completely. During summer vacation we continued to talk all the time and than I decided to go see him in California. I flew there for a week and stayed with his family. However he is not out to anyone expect his little sister. So I basically was a secrete to everyone there. He had stayed over my house a couple of weekends before and my entire family knew he was my boyfriend and they supported us. When it cam e time for me to leave again he said he had fallen in love with me all over again but said he still felt like we should remain friends however I said that I would try and go to school in California as soon as possible and we could do long distance in the mean time. He once again did not want that. So I came home still tried to be with him however he didn't want that. See my boyfriend is not out of the closet and loves going out. I knew he wanted to be able to go out and knew that he couldn't do that as much if we were together. So I decided it was time I move on with my life. I couldn't keep wasting my time on someone who insists on just being friends. I didn't speak to him for a day or so and he completely changed Said he wanted to be together and I fell back in. He said he was lookin at schools and apartments for us so that we could start over again. The next week we were on the phone and his mom overheard us talking on the phine. He denied everything as to who I was and told her he would try changing for her. So mow he wants to talk to other girls go on dates with them and has told me he wants to see if maybe he can really be with a girl even though we technically are together. However he also wants to be able to go out to gay clubs and raves. What should I do? I'm so stuck because I love him so much and I'm willing to move across the country to be with him. I just feel like he's stringing me along and doing his own thing while I wait around and I just cry all the time,
     
  2. treeofleaves

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    look, it kinda sounds like you just need to tell him that if he wants you to move across the country and he wants to be with you, he has to be willing to commit i.e. come out, even though it will be hard.
    it seems like you are being pushed around a bit, and if he isnt willing to commit to you, then he dosen't deserve you, and you deserve better then that; and though it will be hard, you might have to move on from him.
    it sounds liek he is trying to live two different lives to please everyone, but he just needs to be who he is, whether people accept that or not, and if he really loves you, he should be able to do it for you.
     
  3. Gen

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    I'm going to have to disagree.

    Everyone's journey of acceptance is not going to be the same. It seems obvious that had he have been born in an environment where he felt free and supported regardless of his sexuality, he wouldn't still be struggling with these things after all of this time. In these situations, it is actually more common for the individual still in the closet to expect their partner to live a life of secret and remain committed. I don't see his desire to prevent things from process as a result of anything other than maturity and consideration. He is completely aware of the fact that he has not made peace with his orientation, nor is he ready to come out to family at this moment. He should not be cut off or made to feel as though he is the person who is committing wrong in this relationship.

    Moving forward, I would continue to be there for him. He is absolutely correct that the romantic aspects of this relationship need to die down until further notice; however, even romantic love is far more about caring deeply for a partner, rather than being intimate with them. We all know that his attempts to change himself will fail and it would be great for him to have a friend there to help him recognize that the person that he is doesn't need changing and embracing that person is his only hope at happiness.
     
  4. resu

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    He should see a counselor who specializes in LGBT issues. That may help him get the courage to stand up to his mom and her unrealistic expectations. Are there religious or cultural reasons for her views?

    I see what Gen is saying, and if you think you can handle just being friends with him, then so be it. However, I would say that what he needs is a third party (the counselor or someone else) to help talk some sense into him without any bias.
     
  5. Gen

    Gen
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    Oh, absolutely. I didn't mean to hold his hand through the situation at all. I would actually recommend that you give him some space for the time being. Just be a friend that he can turn to when need. My apologies if that wasn't clear.