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An analysis of friendship

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by GlindaRose, Sep 18, 2014.

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Do people need to be equal in their actions for a friendship to be sustained?

  1. Yes

    7 vote(s)
    58.3%
  2. No

    5 vote(s)
    41.7%
  1. GlindaRose

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    I wonder if anyone would be willing to put up with me going on about psychology for a little bit, and provide any input on what you think of this:

    I was inspired to write this post because I have one friendship that is incredibly important to me. I stress that it is not a very typical sort of friendship. We met on-line and have technically only met in person once; however, we have e-mailed a lot and had a fair few deep, sophisticated conversations.

    I have been thinking about the concept of there being one person who 'drives' a friendship. By 'drive' I mean being the one who is more active in terms of sustaining the friendship; being the one who initiates conversations, activities, etc. If I apply that definition to my friendship, then I would say that I am the 'driver'. Lately it has been the case that I have been the one who e-mails her first, and not the other way around. She responds quite readily and willingly, and they are lovely and long responses at that. However, she isn't often the one to e-mail me in the first instance.

    That isn't to say that we are unequal in any way. It would be all too easy for someone in my position to claim that the other person doesn't care because they're never the initiator. Someone less secure than me might suggest that if they never pushed for anything, then the friendship would fizzle. And indeed, I will confess that such thoughts have crossed my mind before, during times of insecurity. See, one major issue for me is the notion of being capable of sustaining a friendship. Most of the time I wouldn't consider myself great at it, so when I do meet a person that matters, I make every effort to ensure that it will not fizzle out. Perhaps that is why I have become the 'driver' in this instance; because this girl has the ability to break my heart should the friendship ever be broken.

    But that being said, I do not believe this to be the reality. The reality is that the reason why I tend to be the first initiator, is because that is simply the way things are. No two people are identical. I have much more of an on-line presence than she does, and not to mention she is an incredibly busy person; therefore it makes sense that I will be the one to make contact more frequently. I confess that it does get hard when it reaches a month of not hearing from her, but when I do, it is always so worth it because her responses are so wonderful.

    I ask: What does everyone else think? Do two people need to be equal in their actions and reactions in order for a friendship to be sustained?
     
  2. Kaiser

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    Not necessarily.

    Any relationship is give and take. Sometimes, you might give more, or take more. Other times, the other person, might give more, or take more. That's life, it happens. Of course, I do think, relationships where there is something close to an equal balance, have some advantages. But that isn't to say any and all friendships are inferior to those.

    However, while actions may not need to be equal, there is one thing, in my opinion, that must be equal, if the relationship -- of any kind -- is going to flourish. That is respect. If you respect one another, that is more important, because it will influence and determine a lot, of what happens in said relationship.
     
  3. awesomeness

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    I think it depends on the person. I know for me personally, I gradually loose the desire to get close to someone if I don't get the same vibe from them in return. That includes both friendships and relationships.
     
  4. bicomplicated

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    Same. I mean people get busy. There is gonna be give and take. It's not gonna be equal all the time. But I don't wanna feel like I am the only one who cares. I wanna know my friends care as much. You can always find out who your true friends are as opposed to fair weather friends by how they treat you.
     
  5. Blossom85

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    I don't think it needs to equal all the time, I also think there needs to be give and take, but I know how you feel.. I have an online friend where I am always the one initiating the conversations and he doesn't always respond when I do start a conversation even when he is online.. I know he has been going through some major issues though so I try to be a little more patient too, I don't want to push our friendship onto him, I want him to want to talk to me, not think.. OMG here she is again.. It does sometimes make me think he doesn't care for me as much, but I know not everyone thinks and feels the same and some people may need more space and time to breathe then others.. What I have come to realize is, you don't need to talk every day to be friends with someone, you be there for each other when you can and let each other know you care as much as you can.. People can get busy and we do need to have respect for each other to sustain a good friendship.
     
  6. GlindaRose

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    Thank you for your responses.

    I definitely agree that respect is very important in a friendship, and would like to cite it as one of the reasons why my friendship with this girl works so well. She is quite possibly one of the most respectful people I have ever met. If there is one thing I know with absolute certainty is that she would never judge me just for being myself, and she will accept other people's opinions and values even if she doesn't agree with them.

    There have been many prior times in my life where I've thought that I'd like to be friends with someone, only to have it fizzle. I believe that there is a very important difference between those times and now:

    In the times prior, I did not fully invest myself in the friendship, with the negative idea in my head that it was bound not to work out anyway, hence creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. This time, I am driven to invest in her because she has proven over and over again that she is driven to invest in me as well. I always feel that, even though it doesn't happen all the time, it is safe for me to get in contact with her without the fear that I might get rejected.

    Thanks for indulging my fascination with psychology. :slight_smile:
     
  7. thekillingmoon

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    Being the one who drives a friendship all the time is not good. What if you stopped, would the other person start driving it or would they not care to keep it alive. I think it's better when the interest is more or less equal, not completely one-sided. Some of my friendships ended because I felt like the other person wasn't interested in keeping in touch. It was always me wanting to hang out, so I stopped asking them and I was right, they didn't care.
     
  8. Alder

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    I think it depends. I mean, from my experience, even though there can be shifts in the whole "give and take" in friendships, especially with the whole sustaining the friendship part, it can be tiring if you're always the one going at it 90% while the other seems to be only "giving" 10%.

    From my experience friendship is easier to maintain and I think better for both sides in general if there's at least some type of mutual interest and effort. Having good friends is very nice, and even though there may be ups and downs I think good friendships are definitely worth it, even if sometimes you give a little more, and other times they put in a little more effort. It just depends I guess :slight_smile:
     
  9. Jinkies

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    As long as both sides do as much as they possibly can (emphasis on "can"), there shouldn't be any problem. Most people are just fine with hanging out with one another, and that's alright. Nobody's hurt. Nobody needs to be 1000% into the other person (and sometimes, that's probably to their advantage if they're not, and disadvantage if they are).
     
  10. jahow95

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    Sort of, although I would argue that most true friendships are extremely relaxed, and don't need any driving at all - although you could say that in that case both are equally not driving the friendship