Gay Dating is inefficient

Sound like you're attempting to gameify dating.
I don't think it will work. And it seems kind of cold, almost.

 

Well, it seems cold to me that the solution you had in mind is to have people earn the chance to relationships via a points system.
There's not much you can do about the lack of relationships, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. There are less gay (and others) than straight and so they're obviously less likely to meet each other and when they do, people have high standards, they always will. Chances are, they'll probably clash.

 

I miss the old days of having chat-rooms where you could just have a group conversation with a bunch of guys in your area.

Maybe make an app where you're automatically put into a chat room with the 10 nearest people.

 

It's really quite easy to look at dating (gay or straight) or most other human relationships, activities, and social constructs in an objective manner that strips all the feeling out of them and comes across as rather 'cold' to some people. The issue isn't really one of whether it is 'cold' or not, but rather whether or not it is effective. I flat guarantee you that for every warm/fuzzy/romantic whatever you see in the world today, there is probably a marketing team somewhere that is coldly crunching data to try to make you feel that way. Which doesn't make it any less pleasant to have positive feelings for someone.

As to whether or not the proposed solution would work - It might or it might not. One would need to run a pilot project and see.

All that said, it seems to me a bigger problem is that many people approach looking for a relationship as a 'mission' with a very prescriptive set of goals and a laundry list of what they want in another human being. So much so that I can't help but wonder how many great people they pass by because they aren't 'perfect'. And how much stress they put themselves through because they treat meeting someone as something they must do before they can get on with their lives or move forward in life or whatever.

I never made finding a date, or a relationship, much of a priority in my life. And I never went into anything with a whole list of how the person 'had' to be. Nearly all of my encounters started out as hookups with no real expectation of it being more than that (and I was fine with that). And if we had a good time, it might end with 'hey, you want to get together again?' or 'you want to exchange numbers to get together again?' or something similar. And from there it might turn into a relationship (and I was fine with that). But either way, I had more to my life than having someone else in it.

To a certain degree (and after watching some current friends and reading things on EC), I think I'm coming to blame technology for a lot of the trouble people have. Dating apps and sites encourage people to make lists of what they are looking for and make it so easy that people create massive lists that filter out nearly everybody (and make their creators unwilling to settle for 'close enough' or look outside what they have imagined they think they want - when you've been told this tool can let you find 'perfection', why settle for anything less?). The same tech lets people 'skip to the next one' with incredible ease without putting any effort or buy in into the process. They have no 'skin in the game' basically - so why try to make an effort.

Back when I was dating/sleeping around we had personal ads that linked to voice mail boxes. No pics, no profiles, nothing like that. The most you had to go on was maybe a 10-20 word add and a voice recording telling you want this person was like, what they looked like, were into, were looking for. If you were actually going to go to the bother of meeting someone - you were (I suspect) more likely to make an effort to get to know them(because you had to go out, get across town to meet, probably pay for coffee or a meal while you talked, etc). and maybe decide there was some potential there. Not sure that any of that would happen (or does happen) where modern tech is concerned.

Rather than making things easier it often seems that modern tools have just muddied the water of the dating pool to a huge degree.

Meh.

Todd

 

I don't really see why just talking to more people should get you a higher ranking... I like the idea of a gay social media site that's more about chatting and getting to know people than picking someone up. That alone could be an improvement so long as it wasn't eventually overrun by people just looking for hookups.

 

A big flaw with that idea is that It'll lead lonely people to believe they might have a chance with whoever was talking to them, and a lot of dates would end in failure and heartbreak. Honestly, dating in general is just harder when you're gay since you have to worry about compatibility as well.

And I also agree with AKTodd. I think a lot of online dating is difficult in general, because so many sites make you ask questions or let you create huge lists that filter other potential partners out. If you barely know someone, It's easy to be picky and judgmental, while knowing someone helps you let some minor flaws slide. So many people get disappointed in online dating, because we get to know people WAY too fast and it makes us judge them.

 

I'm with Todd on this one. I think the real heart of the matter is that we've turned dating into shopping for a mate--complete with lists and comparison shopping. And then people get very frustrated when it doesn't happen almost immediately. The problem in my mind isn't that gay dating is inefficient but that we've come to think it should be efficient. The number of people on here I have seen complaining that they have been looking for a year and haven't found the one absolutely floors me. I dated around for years before I met my partner. Was it frustrating that it took years? NO, because I wasn't looking I was living. I went out with friends and met guys in bars, I led a book group and met others there. I volunteered and made new friends and they introduced me to their friends. I didn't spend years looking for a mate I spent years going dancing and meeting guys for coffee and bowling and having occasional tawdry sexual encounters with guys who on several occasions turned into some of my closest friends. And then one day I looked up and there he was... the guy I would spend my life with. We've been together for seventeen wonderful years and you know what? If I had put together some 25 item list of what my prince charming would be like it wouldn't be him. And you know what else? I love him like I never even thought people could love.

 

It's not a bad idea but I don't think it will work , personally I'm done with internet dating I rather meet a girl in person. All the girls I seem to like are either too far away or their too shy to talk ,and just look at my profile a bunch of times for no damn reason . I got sick of and decided to just not bother with it .:dry:

 

I have seldom come across something that has made more sense about dating, and specifically dating in the gay world. I have alluded to this several times before, if you turn looking for love into a goal you are almost guaranteed to end up disappointed.

Of course it's obvious that not reaching your goal will disappoint you, but you may find that actually reaching your goal can also be a letdown: you have "achieved" the nirvana of a relationship, so now what? You've lived the goal-seeking lifestyle, going on, blinders on, with single-minded determination to find your mate...then when the goal is achieved, what are you supposed to do now?

Good relationships are organic, there is a quality of inevitability when something clicks between two people. This inevitability is transformed into intentionality: both partners enter into commitments with the idea that the relationship is worth building.

Nature can teach us a few things about "efficiency" and one of the most significant is that it produces and produces to a seemingly "inefficient" excess, like those billions of pollen particles that trees release into the air, where only an infinitesimal percentage of them actually reach a receptive stamen. It is a different kind of efficiency, based on probability. Conversely, in the dating world, if you want to maximize your chances, go to parties, volunteer, enjoy yourself...as OGS said above: but above all else, live!

 

Honestly, how many couples, gay or straight, do we all know that have been together for a very long time and are miserable with each other?

I think we put far too much emphasis on finding "the one" anyway, especially as a goal seeking activity. But also as a measure of self worth. Our society judges harshly people who do not have a lifelong partner, especially once you hit a certain age. Personally, I think that's garbage.

I'd rather be "single" but with lots of friends, social activities, volunteer work, etc, cause that's living to me too. And if I find a partner to do those things with, then that'll be awesome. Then we can have friends, social activities, volunteer work etc etc together.

 

The issue isn't that finding someone is a goal. The issue is when that goal becomes the goal: The overriding driver in your view of your life, yourself, and existence in general. That's a sentiment that I see expressed on the site a lot, by lots of people, either directly or in so many words.

As an alternative, I'd suggest (and I think several others are suggesting here) that finding someone be seen as something that is the frosting on the cake that is your life - a very nice part, but the cake is pretty darn good by itself too.

I've always only had a small number of friends and I've never cared for parties, certainly not the kind that college age people go in for. I've also never considered sex to be a very important thing either in the sense that it is something transcendent and awesome that I must save for 'that special someone' or in the sense that if I didn't get laid some weekend that the whole weekend was a bust. The bottom line is that sex is fun with friction and nothing more. If I got it, and had a good time, great. If not, I could always take care of that itch myself with a few minutes or hours effort - and that was often pretty great too. Sometimes better than what I experienced with other people.

When people place things on pedestals of the imagination, the reality almost always turns out to be less than that. Having fewer expectations and being open to enjoying what comes along, either in terms of just sex or a possible relationship, usually works out better in my experience.

And nobody is saying that if you're not a party animal, you're not living. What people are saying is that:

a) you need to relax a bit about finding a relationship and live a life you enjoy and just let it happen.

b) You need to be open to meeting people who may not fit your imagined ideal of a mate - because they may surprise you with how much you end up liking them.

To that, I would add: You need to try to be more positive and optimistic and stop interpreting everything only in negative terms that re-enforce the self-generated premise that you are somehow doomed to be miserable and alone. Instead of stopping at 'parties aren't my thing, guess I'm doomed to loneliness' perhaps instead try 'parties aren't my thing, what else might I do that I will enjoy and where there is a probability of meeting people?'

There is no 'supposed to' in this. There are no rules, there is no destiny, there is no giant invisible panel of judges scoring you. That right there is something that I'll say you (and everyone else on here who expresses similar sentiments) needs to stop doing right away.

Live your life in a way you enjoy. But also realize that every course of action has consequences, both positive and negative. You, and only you, can decide if you are willing to pay the 'cost' of following (or charting) a particular course of action. If you decide that the negatives are outweighing the positives in a particular area, then you are going to need to find a way to make some changes while still preserving a life you will enjoy. Generally there are lots of options in that regard, and you just need to figure one out that's best for you. But there is definitely no master instruction manual that lays out one correct course for living.

Todd

 

I certainly don't feel that you aren't supposed to have a relationship. All other things being equal I would just as soon everyone get what they want. The thing I will say, though, is that if this really is one of your main goals, or possibly even your main goal, you should look seriously at your methods--not because there's anything wrong with your methods per se but because they don't appear (from your own accounts) to be working. Any time one is working towards a goal in life and what one is doing isn't working I think it makes sense to step back and either adjust the goal or adjust the method. It sounds like adjusting the goal is out, that's fine--I really do think there are people who are meant to be in relationships and will be happier if they are. So if that is the goal I think it pays to look at the methods. If you are looking to find the guy there's a point where you have to admit it's a numbers game. I think a lot of people think the apps solve that problem because, well, there's so many guys! I'm not convinced. Again, it's that list in your head. I've never used one of the apps but I feel pretty confident that I would have flipped right past my partner's profile--but when we met in person BAM! I knew almost immediately that he would be a huge player in my life. So let's just assume for a moment that it is about actually meeting other gay guys in person. If I look at my time being single as a process of auditioning people for the position of life partner--I didn't at the time, but I think it's reasonable from the perspective of someone who is very seriously looking for a partner--then I auditioned hundreds, possibly thousands, of guys. Yeah, there are people who only ever meet three gay guys and happen upon their "soulmate"--possibly they are just really lucky but I'll admit in the back of my mind I sometimes wonder if they just took one of what was available. Now, yeah, perhaps I was fortunate that I enjoyed parties and bars and circuit parties--but I also met guys volunteering and going to gay concerts and, well, I led a local gay book group. So let's just take the last one. I probably met at least 60 guys through that book group over the course of a couple years--and a lot of them were not particularly into bars or parties, etc. I mean it was a book group. How long, using your current methods would it take to meet and get to know, in person, 60 guys? That's all I'm saying...

 

When I was in college many decades ago, the university would sponsor "mixers". These were hetero dances, where girls from other schools were invited and usually brought in on busses to an evening of dancing and conversations. People were encouraged to circulate around and meet as many people as possible. Often subsequent dates were arranged from these get togethers.

What you are describing is an online "mixer", where people are encouraged to get together and talk to each other, possibly engage in side room conversations with someone they were particularly attracted to. The online analogy for that is a big chat room, with the option to invite someone to a "private" chat room if they want to, or "particular interest" chat rooms where people with common interests can "talk", maybe with a text window under their picture, where they could start a conversation by typing what they wanted to say to the group, or text into a particular person's text window. This sort of thing was fairly common during the early era where AOL was many people's interface to the Internet, but without pictures. It would be technically POSSIBLE to build such an environment today, with online video and chat as an upgrade in communication quality. Probably some version of this does exist which I just don't know about due to lack of specific interest. Think in terms of a PAGE of webcam pictures updated periodically of people in the same "room", with the ability to ask someone to go to a private Facetime/Skype room/channel where you could talk to each other in a realtime videophone sort of manner. Geolocation used to form the windows to keep people within reasonable distances to each other to facilitate meeting in real life.

Now, the only problem is, how do you get people to pay for the costs of such a service intensive setup? Video service bandwidth is not dirt cheap, but is affordable enough if people are willing to pay monthly membership level of fees. Anyone want to front-end the startup expenses? Kickstarter capital?

 

I don't think a dating website that forces people to talk to those they are not attracted to is a good idea at all. I certainly wouldn't use it. People have preferences, and that's all there is to it.

 

Ugh, my life... I fear that I'll be #ForeverAlone because of this! Gay guys are hard to find unless:

1) You find them online (which is a complete mess, and rarely works... Maybe it's just me though. I know gay people who have gone out on dates after meeting online. Maybe I'm just not pretty enough for this )

2) You go out to gay bars (I've been to one once, and with friends).

#TheStruggleIsReal