I had a breakdown today. It was a very intense one. It's been building up for quite sometime. I had a trigger moment a couple of weeks ago that set into play the meltdown that happened today. The trigger has nothing to do with the majority of my meltdown (it was only one part of it). I won't go into details about the meltdown for personal reasons. Anyway, A LOT of what caused me to breakdown feels like it's because of my horrible teenage years. I was DEEPLY closeted throughout puberty, and my high school years. I was repulsed by the idea of being gay (even though I pretty much knew that I was gay). I was never able to really connect with people. I had few "friends" (they were more like acquaintances). When college came around, I "manned up". I created this new identity in order to distance myself from being gay. I became uber conservative, uber homophobic (I was homophobic back in high school, but it got even worse in my 1st and 2nd year of college), and i tried to act more "manly" (by being aggressive, angry all the time, etc.). Looking back now (during my breakdown today), I realize that everything i did was stupid. My entire life, I ran away from something that I knew was true all along (the fact that I was gay). I put on a persona to deny it, I associated myself with certain people to suppress it, and I probably scarred people along the way. Now I'm in regret. I've been in this stage of regret since coming out in late April of this year. Slowly throughout the months, this regret was building up. I've been reversing a lot of what I've done (become more "me", more kind hearted, soft, etc. that I used to be in high school). I have virtually no friends because of my past actions, I feel terrible for the way I acted, and I'm angry at myself for denying myself freedom and happiness for years (almost 8 years to be exact). Has anyone else ever experienced this? It was an INTENSE breakdown. I usually run away from my feelings (a big problem of mine), but I was simply overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and regret. I hope this doesn't happen again, but it's been lingering around for the past two weeks, since that trigger situation. Also, could this be depression? It sure felt like it. One of my friends who has suffered with depression said that it sounds a lot like it.
Hey! Hope you get better... I also suffered from the same problems you discribed on your post. I hardly had a friend during high school, I was unable to explore my sexuality because I tried to deny it and spend very lonely years. My teenage years were pretty frustrating... I also have been facing depression since I was 12-13 years old (the time I started realising my desire for guys), ansiety and social problems. I am now under treatment for depression with both antidepressants and therapy - and trying to accept my sexuality and explore it. Like my therapist said, as we are in a process of discovering ourselves, sometimes we will really get depressed, but we have to learn to work on that and try not to rush things. Coming to our own terms in our own time is the best to do.
i'd say its more of a self realization then it is about depression. to me, it looks like you're realizing your mistakes of what you did in the past and got a breakdown because of it. it happens sometimes. you're regretful rather then depressed. you're depressed because of your regrets. no one said it was going to be easy going through that journey. like southwild said, we're in the process of discovering ourselves and we all have ups and downs along the way and learn to work on it. for you, i guess it's forgiveness. i had the same issue myself and thought what i could've done differently, but it wouldn't make me the person that i am today and what people close to me came to understand and love. understand that you are not alone. there's always somebody that is willing to help out
You need to contact a mental health counselor ASAP (make sure to get one who understands LGBT issues). Set up an appointment immediately. Avoid going to a psychiatrist at first because you don't want to get medications immediately. Your college should have some type of counseling services. A nice depression help test: Depression Symptoms, Information and Treatment - Psych Central Depression is as much a physical disease as it is mental. It's not "all in your head".
I would agree. You sound like you have a lot of baggage still left to unpack. Looking at your situation reminds me somewhat of my own as we have discussed in the past, but I didn't have a lot of outward homophobia(ok other than voting against gay marriage) as much as you did. I have had to unpack the bullying I faced and the anxiety I still face with all of my medical issues. Self-loathing and horrible feelings about your sexuality can eat away at your soul. It is much better to handle them at your age than wait longer. I can also attest to the fact that depression can cause fatigue, body aches etc. It also messes with your body clock.
I've never tried to be someone I wasn't, as I've always been a very compassionate individual, but yes, I've almost always buried my own feelings under an intensely happy persona that exists to please others. I think that coming to terms with your past actions, and letting others know that you are a new person could help you out. Trying to let go of what has happened will also be part of it. Learning to think of the present and future should be a new goal
I was diagnosed with depression at age 13, but I've come along way since then. If you ever feel the need to talk, I'm here!! (*hug*)
Try not to regret although I know it can be hard. You just have to try and build a new life around the real you. I would also recommend seeing a therapist. I have been through something very similar. Being extremely closeted, living openly as a gay man in the Navy, then coming back home and going back in the closet for almost a decade. It was pure hell. I see a therapist once every week and it has been a great help. Seek someone to talk to and deal with the feelings you are having (*hug*)
Also, I've found that the many people who haven't experienced clinical depression themselves don't really understand how your feeling and can often give very bad or misguided advice. Mental illness is still stigmatized, and too many think you can just flip a switch and be happy again. Stick with the professionals, and try to find someone who's up to date on the newest research in psychology. That's one reason being at a university can be helpful.
I think that's the hardest part. After coming out, you try to build a new identity so to speak. People see it as some sort of "revolution" or 180 in your personality (like a phase), but you know all along that it's the real you. I've been thinking about moving across the country after I finish my undergrad. Head out West and complete my mater's. Start a new life so to speak, and be who I really am. In the mean time, I plan on seeing a counsellor sometime this week. I feel much better today, but I don't know if I'll have another breakdown (they're so unpredictable...). While I've never been clinically diagnosed with depression, I know that these breakdowns are back and forth. One minute you can feel fine, and the next minute you become overwhelmed with emotions. While I feel like I don't need to see a therapist/counsellor right now, I think I should see one just in case.
I was in a state of lacking energy, worthlessness in high school since I always kept lying to myself, along with hiding the fact that I was gay. So, I guess we're somewhat in the same boat I suppose. What you've been going through is not as unusual as you think.
Maybe this is the alcohol talking, but I sometimes question why I'm here. Why am I alive? Why was I created? I'm: 1) destructive to myself (the trigger moment proves that, not going into details here) 2) I'm ugly and unlovable (never been in a relationship. Just came back from a night on the town. Even my gay friend can get some action. Me? I'm just sn ugly, awkward person taking up space on this planet) 3) no one likes me 4) I have no friends 5) I have no purpose in life I think I hit rock bottom. Not sure how to climb out of this...
1. I hope and pray that you can avoid the triggers that you face. (*hug*) 2. You are not ugly at all and based on your coming out story shows a lot of bravery. 3-4. I think you are cool, and I pray you have more friends in real life. Smile more if you can. 5.God has a purpose for every Christian. (&&&) You are 21 and still figuring it out.
Stop drinking alcohol ASAP. Ethanol is a depressant, so it's not going to help you to drink at this point in your life.
Thanks! My sister told me this, and that I'm ONLY 21 (she's 17, so um yeah, I feel OLDDDD!) and have the rest of my life ahead of me. I hope y'all are right! ---------- Post added 10th Nov 2014 at 02:56 PM ---------- I know, but I only drink on occasion. Only when I'm going out with friends. Other than that, I don't touch alcohol.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14 (about the same time I started questioning). There were times when I felt like ending my life and I even had a suicide note ready for when the time had come. I won't lie; you will probably have ups and downs even while going through therapy. There are times even now that I do feel depressed but I remind myself that it does get better. The best thing for you to do in my opinion would be for you to realize that you can't change the past, but can make amends with yourself and others and move on. If you ever need to talk to someone, know that I'm always willing to listen.
21 and gay in one of the most lgbt friendly cities in the western hemisphere or 31 and bi in a place still stuck in the 1980's. Please let me know if you want to trade. (*hug*)