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Going Back in the Closet?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by howsit, Nov 14, 2014.

  1. howsit

    howsit Guest

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    I've been lurking for a few months, but this is my first post, so if it's better-suited somewhere else, mods can move it there.

    So, a little background. When I was about 15 or 16 I came out to family and friends. Dumb idea, but because high schools are filled with juvenile fucktards, news spread around pretty quickly and I thought that was it for coming out. For the most part because I don't fit the typical gay guy mold, it wasn't hard for me. The worst I got was a rumour that I got head from a couple girls--that I was fake gay.

    My relationship history is shady. I had one when I was 17, which was typical of a first relationship: passionate and destructive. The second ended a few years ago and was worse, though. He was a closet case, to the point of sociopathic sketchiness, and I was a coked out pothead with mad trust issues.

    Over the past years though, all my jobs have been general labour and trades. My longtime friends know I'm gay, but I feel like I'm still closeted in some sense. I still hear the brunt of homophobic remarks from co-workers and I don't have the balls to say shit; I live on 5 acres in the middle of bumfuck nowhere (actually some bum to fuck around here would be sweet), and I don't enjoy going to any of the gay clubs around Toronto; all my friends are heterosexual males. In the long run I feel like this has affected my ability to be comfortable with myself. It's as though some people in my life know I'm gay, but everyone acts as though it doesn't exist to varying degrees, myself included.

    So, I guess the questions I have are: is coming out a one-time thing? If you don't actively participate in anything "gay" and your occupation is exclusively filled with homophobic straight guys, plus you haven't had any real relationships to speak of, can you actually kinda go back in the closet? I feel like I'm passively sticking my foot out of the closet, while actively fucking inside it.

    Sorry for the book.
     
    #1 howsit, Nov 14, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2014
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey howsit, welcome to EC!

    Clearly, there is a difference between telling others that you are gay and actually living the gay life, by which I mean having open relationships, being involved in some way with gay things (not necessarily bars), etc.

    As with anything else, just saying something and not living it is weak tea. So to your question: is coming out a one-time thing? Hell no! It appears to require active and continuous engagement or you basically fall back into your default, and closeted, situation.

    This does not mean being a militant gay person involved in all the politics, organizations, or gay-focused hobbies, it does mean, however, what being gay is all about, having relationships with other gay people, not necessarily romantic although that helps, but gay friends with whom you hang out on a regular basis. It's called creating your "family" as it were, and it is essential for reinforcing and supporting who you are.

    Coming here to EC, dear fellow Canuck, is a good start! :slight_smile:
     
  3. clovis

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    Wow! I am newly out... so I certainly hope that this isn't the case... however I can see how it could easily happen... I guess the bigger question for me is... do you really care? I suppose you do or you wouldn't have posted... but for me I don't want that all that people know me for. I don't want to be 'the gay guy' so if I come out to them once and that's the only time its talked about... I would think its good. I wouldn't want to have to keep bringing it up. As for the comments or the statements that co-workers are saying, I might call them on it... and if you don't want to actually come out to them... make them generic... so that they know you support LGBT peeps...
     
  4. howsit

    howsit Guest

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    Honestly, it is good in some aspects. I don't want to be that "gay guy" either, but I'm worried that, for example, introducing a dude to my parents would kinda be ground-shaking shit because the issue of my being gay has been hidden in plain sight. Almost that thought of, "alright, I know he's gay" and they get over it in their minds, but it's just a temporary calm before the shitstorm.

    And greatwhale, thanks for the welcome dude.
     
  5. clovis

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    I see what you mean by that... but I don't think that people 'forget'? Maybe I am wrong?? but I think for some (I would be one) I wouldn't give it much more thought... I know I might be the minority... but to me I don't care who friends or family are in a relationship with or who they sleep with ultimately. I only care that they are happy. I know that sounds pretty idealistic...

    I just re-read your original post... Fucktards is one of my favorite names for peeps... I haven't really heard anyone else use it... so that's pretty awesome...

    Where abouts in ON are you? I too am in the middle of nowhere... about an hour and a half north of KW... so to go anywhere I have to drive... sorta sucks!
     
  6. stocking

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    I remember a guy who is gay as well told me ,your always have to come out for the rest of your life. Specially if you're a gay guy or lesbian that looks straight.
     
  7. XenaxGabby

    XenaxGabby Guest

    Hi! Coming out isn't a one-time thing. You sometimes have to keep reminding people. Also, you don't sound too comfortable with yourself so it's okay to shut the closet door again until you are ready.

    I've gone back in the closet too. Coming out to the few people I did was a mistake but I'm happier now. Wait until you are fully ready:slight_smile: