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Holidays

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by GayDadStr8Marig, Nov 19, 2014.

  1. GayDadStr8Marig

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    So, I've been off EC for quite a while for a variety of reasons, and I came across this thread this morning and started to reply and decided to make a separate post instead of hijacking the OP's thread.

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/159085-dreading-holidays.html


    Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about the holidays this year.

    I think back to being 18, in college, closeted with a boyfriend whom my parents really liked -- as my friend. We had our first "public" date between Thanksgiving and Christmas... box seats at the symphony and we rented tuxes for the grand occasion, lol. We got a few sideways glances at that, but even in that fire-and-birmstone Bible belt town there were enough theater-types in attendance they were most likely wondering why a couple of young college-aged guys would be at a Christmas symphony concert. Sitting around the table at the holidays was just my immediate family, and all I could think about was wishing I had my boyfriend there with me, and yet knowing if they found out he was more than just a friend I would be more alone in the world than I could possibly imagine.

    So, I muddled through the holidays that year. A few months later events transpired that led me to come out to my family. It went about as badly as I expected, and I caved, retreated back into the closet. Chose a university degree and material comfort over personal honesty and integrity. Chose self-preservation over someone I was convinced that I loved.

    That year the holidays were the worst ever. More so than the years after my dad was disabled in a car accident and my parents had no money to buy gifts for us. We all knew who I was and what I had chosen to do to be sitting at that table. Yes, I was back in school, grades were on track, and I was trying my hardest to "fit in" with the acceptable types, with a great deal of encouragement from my sister (conveniently who worked on campus, so she was able to help steer me toward acceptable people to get acquainted with.)

    As the years passed, the new "normal" was to accept my lie as reality. My experimentation with a "gay lifestyle choice" was never talked about, expunged from the collective mind of the family unit. Eventually I brought home a woman, we dated, married, had kids. For years we visited my family for either Thanksgiving or Christmas and her family for the other holiday. All the while I'd sit in the same sofa where my parents had threatened to disown me and kick me on the street for my "lifestyle choice", eat at the same table where for months after selling my soul for a piece of paper I could barely force food into my mouth without feeling my personal betrayal with every fiber of my being.

    So now this year, I'm divorced. I'll spend the day before Thanksgiving with the kids since they're off school, and I'll have the kids on Friday and for the weekend. Thanksgiving day itself I'm on my own. I know my boyfriend wants me to be at his family's Thanksgiving gathering, but we both know the dynamics right now with his wife would not make it a good scene for everyone by having me there. Plus I know I'd be in a Catch-22 emotionally about not wanting to feel shunned nor feeling like being the spectacle in a fish tank either. So instead, I'll cook myself a Thanksgiving dinner, catch up on the series I've DVR'd all season and never seem to have time to watch, and probably even get myself to church for once to thank God in person for the blessings I have in my life -- two amazing kids and the best boyfriend in the world.


    All that being said, I can't help feeling disappointed with my ex-wife and her family in some way. If our roles were reversed, I'd like to think I'd at least ask if she had plans for the holiday and if she didn't I'd extend an invitation rather than have her be alone. Maybe I'm giving myself more credit than I deserve, hard to say how I'd actually feel if our roles were reversed.


    --Rick
     
  2. Spaceman

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    The holidays sure are didferent now, aren't they? I admire you for looking on the bright side. You are indeed fortunate to have found a loving relationship and I'm sure the day when you'll be spending the holidays together isn't far off.

    They say after divorce we need to forge our own new traditions. Well the first gay kiss of my life was on Thanksgiving day a year ago. It's a tradition I hope to continue.
     
  3. looking for me

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    last year was rough, first year just me and the kid, i won't lie i did a bit of crying. this year i think i'm in a better place mentally. and i know that next year it will be my first Christmas as an openly bi person.:icon_bigg thanksgiving is past for us here in Canada, we usually spend that one with my parents as well, even though they live next door.
     
  4. Choirboy

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    This year the holidays will be an awkward mishmash. Thanksgiving is the big get-together holiday for my extended family, and the majority of the people there know I'm gay, will be splitting from my wife, and am in a relationship with a guy. But because this is the last one we'll have as the current family unit (my daughters will both be out of town next year and one of them will be away at college after that), I'm biting the bullet and going with them rather than bringing my boyfriend. (There's also some drama surrounding that decision, since my wife had originally suggested that I bring him, but followed up weeks later with several plans of her own that would have turned the whole thing into an emotional clusterfuck that I wasn't willing to put my extended family through.) In addition to the get-together on the actual day, my siblings' families and ours get together for dinner and some other activities, and the same potential drama applies--but I also have a sister-in-law who I know has made private disparaging comments about me to my wife, so I also have to restrain myself from returning the venom and creating drama myself. I'm looking forward to next year when it will be just him and me going to the stuff openly as a couple, with none of the foolishness.

    Christmas is more my wife's family, and we inevitably have multiple celebrations with multiple combinations of her relatives. They mostly all know about everything but the boyfriend, and have not rejected me outright, but they're a judgmental bunch, and I'll be able to watch wheels turning in their heads through their eyes at every get-together. I have the odd advantage in that for the most part they like and trust me almost more than they do my wife, so while they may never like or accept this fully, they also can't bring themselves to hate me either. Next year may be far more awkward on that front, because I'm sure no one will know whether to include me or not because of the kids, and also because my wife's 99-year-old grandmother doesn't know any of this (and never will), so if she's still around, we may have to put on a bit of a show for her benefit.

    All in all, though, this is a year of transition and I will breathe a sigh of relief once we're safely into January and I can look forward to the 2015 holidays with the guy I love, as the couple we're supposed to be.
     
  5. GayDadStr8Marig

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    I suppose an update is in order. For Thanksgiving day I've been invited to celebrate with the deacon who runs one of the gay support groups in the area through my church. Following the festivities at his family's home, I'll spend a little time with my chocolate lab and let the abundant carb-laden food settle a bit, then I'll head downtown to scope out what's going on at the LGBT center since if they're open. I've not yet made it over there. Seems like an opportune time to see first hand how the younger generation is dealing with their own issues over the holiday.
     
  6. Aspen

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    I'm torn over the holidays this year. Thanksgiving will be great. I'm spending it with just one of my roommates. She's going to make homemade mac and cheese and I'm going to make real mashed potatoes (neither of us is crazy about turkey).

    Christmas, I'm going home. On one hand, I might be able to visit my girlfriend a few times over break. On the other, Christmas with my family. There tends to be a lot of family drama around the holidays, due to the fact that my grandpa doesn't really get along with any of his children these days. Last year I was a closeted bisexual in a new relationship with a girl. This year I'm a closeted bisexual in a long-term relationship with a girl that I don't see ending anytime soon. I don't know if I can handle one more "Do you have a boyfriend yet?"