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If someone is homophobic and gay...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by FireSmoke, Nov 20, 2014.

  1. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    ...and he/she isn't able to accept himself/herself despite all his/her efforts...

    ...what he/she should do?

    Is it a good thing to renounce the idea to be in a relationship (either a same sex one or a straight one) and to decide to be single?
     
    #1 FireSmoke, Nov 20, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 20, 2014
  2. MCairo

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    That sounds like a really sad and regrettable decision.
    The best option would be to learn to accept it and leave your homophobia behind, no matter how long and how hard that can be.
    EDIT: Just saw that you mentioned that no matter their efforts, they won't be able to accept it...well then, I'm not sure what to do :/
     
    #2 MCairo, Nov 20, 2014
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  3. Quem

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    I think, if someone is homophobic and gay, the person will have quite some inner struggles. I don't think being in a same-sex relationship is a good idea. The person should be accepting of his/her own sexuality, and the sexuality of his/her partner.

    That being said, being in a opposite-sex relationship is fooling yourself. The person is gay, hence being with the opposite-sex won't be pleasing, likely.

    I think the person should try to solve the inner homophobia. He/She should try to find out where it comes from, why it's there, and should see how it's completely okay to be gay. Rather than trying to be single, the inner struggles need to be resolved I think. =)
     
  4. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    And if the inner struggles are impossible to be resolved, despite a person is trying to fix it since, for example, three years? With a lot of diligence but without success?

    ---------- Post added 20th Nov 2014 at 07:22 PM ----------

    Why regrettable? Love doesn't exist (at least this is only my thought).
     
    #4 FireSmoke, Nov 20, 2014
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  5. MCairo

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    By being single, you mean that this person will abstain from any romantic/sexual relationship, no? I just think that supressing your wishes like that, especially for a long time, is not healthy and one day this person might wake up and realize how much they have missed out. So the earlier they try to deal with its internal homophobia, the better.
     
  6. chrisyboy

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    Feel sorry for them. I did the whole homophobia thing, it's a drag and you realise what a dick you were, when all I wanted was the big D.
     
  7. ForNarnia

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    It can take a while, but homophobia can be overcome. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Quem

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    It may seem impossible now, but there might have been progress already. =)

    Before one can "fix" it, he/she needs to understand where it comes from, what kind of reasons go behind it. The person could try to fully address the issue at first, before trying to fix it. If he/she tries to fix it, without understanding (completely) why he/she felt that way, it may be very complicated.
     
  9. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    But what they have missed out?

    Feelings? Emotions? Love? They don't exist.
    Sex? It's useless.
    A person who to go out with? Dogs exist for this.
    A person who to spend time with? Find a friend.


    ---------- Post added 20th Nov 2014 at 08:19 PM ----------

    It seems a sentence from a box of chocolates :lol:

    ---------- Post added 20th Nov 2014 at 08:21 PM ----------


    You're right. But if this person already knows the reason why he/she is homophobic?

    I know, this thread is complicated. I'm sorry :icon_sad:
     
  10. Quem

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    Don't be sorry for a complicated thread. (*hug*) If I don't want to respond, I won't respond. =)

    So the person knows why he she is homophobic. Then the person has to see why it won't help to be homophobic. The person should look to the pros of being accepting, and should remember that being gay can't be changed. I think, the sooner he/she accepts that, the sooner he/she won't be homophobic anymore.
     
  11. PatrickUK

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    I'd actually ask the person in question what he/she/they have done so far to address the issues. In other words, what does "despite all efforts" mean? Have they really exhausted every possible option and scenario that would help them arrive at a point of self acceptance? Even if they believe so, are they open minded enough to ask for help and ideas and seek the support of others who have been through the process?

    It is very hard to suppress and deny one's true feelings over the long term. Eventually the pressure will build and the issue/s will return, whether the person is in a relationship or not.

    People who are going through this sort of agony need our constant love and support.
     
    #11 PatrickUK, Nov 20, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2014
  12. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest


    At this point, I have to drop the mask. Okay, this person is FireSmoke.

    Yeah, I really exhausted every possible option. Therefore, I'm on EC from November 2013 and I'm a Quem's friend (I'm fond of him, he makes me remember my cousin who, unfortunately, I am not in touch with anymore).

    I am exhausted.

    Really, I'm exhausted. For everything.

    I feel lonely also here, on EmptyClosets. Because I don't feel the support, I feel "condemned". But I dunno why.
     
    #12 FireSmoke, Nov 20, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 20, 2014
  13. Rawrzilla

    Rawrzilla Guest

    This is why we have a field of study that deals specifically with mental functions and behaviors. It's called psychology and any competent psychologist/shrink/therapist will be able to help you with the process of accepting yourself. For the life of me I will never understand the stigma that comes from seeking professional help to sort out your life when the issues you are dealing with conflict you this much. No, it doesn't mean you are crazy. No, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. No, you don't have to wait until things become unbearable to justify asking for professional help. Everyone needs help at some point(s) in their life, take it before the problem deteriorates and you do something stupid you'll end up regretting.
     
  14. Quem

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    I knew it was you all way long FireSmoke, it's nothing to be ashamed of. (*hug*)

    FireSmoke, we do care about you. You are a very nice guy. You shouldn't live your live to please others. And you shouldn't feel lonely here, we try to help you. It's difficult, but you should try to accept our help, and you should try to accept the fact that you are a great person. I know it's not easy for you, but you are so hard on yourself for no valid reason. Please, don't. It's not worth it. (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  15. kumawool

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    Many gays like that do exist.

    In the Catholic Catechism, it is stated that being gay is not a sin, but gay sex is.

    So staunch gay Catholics will typically lead single, lonely lives, while denouncing the gay community, and its associated equal rights movement. I don't know if a related theme, but of the 3 gay men I've met in this category, all were militant anti-abortionist, and that was what they lived and breathed for.

    I myself thought it was very sad.

    ---------- Post added 20th Nov 2014 at 11:58 AM ----------

    An additional post;

    When I was first identifying as gay, I fell into this category as well. The whole, "Maybe I'll be gay my whole life, but never pursue a relationship or sex, or get married.".

    That's not what I was meant for.

    I want someone to spend my life with, to love, to support. That's why I'm GAY and not ASEXUAL (though asexuals sometimes want a life partner too, but I digress).

    Eventually I realized it was a part of the grief process involved with accepting my sexual orientation. I identified it as part of the bargaining stage.

    It eventually passed.

    I included the cycle here;

    [​IMG]
    *Included photo describes bargaining as talking with others, but it can take place internally too, remember that everyone has that internal monologue.

    OP may choose to remain in a state of chastity for the rest of his life. That is OPs choice, but it is important to know that's what you really, truly want, and that you aren't just stuck on issues from accepting your sexuality.

    If that is truly what OP wants, and OP refrains from judging the lives of others, than shame on those that view this with judgement and condemnation, because that is a life choice like any other.
     
    #15 kumawool, Nov 20, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2014
  16. PatrickUK

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    I also knew it was you FireSmoke and I agree with Quem's comments above. (*hug*) If you are not feeling our love then we clearly need to try harder, but help us out please, if you can. If you don't know why you feel condemned, then we're not going to know either. I'm sure we'd like to though, because if we don't know, we can't change.

    I said in my previous posting that I would ask the person in question (you) what "despite all efforts" really means... what does it mean FireSmoke? What are the efforts? Tell us, if you can.

    You know, so many of us have been through this ordeal that you are going through and we'd like to help you with it some more. I'm not saying we know exactly what you are going through, because that would seem rather patronising, but we should have some empathy.

    Don't be dismissive and don't devalue yourself. You are tired, you are exhausted and that's not the best combination for working through problems, but you are still talking and we're still with you. (&&&)
     
  17. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest


    I don't really understand this desire. I don't need this. I want to be free, to be on my own.

    Being in a relationship means that you have to come to a compromise. No. I'm too selfish to do it.

    Is this means solitude? Yeah! I adore solitude.

    Am I not normal? Or people who doesn't want to be alone are weak? Or neither of the two?
     
  18. Quem

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    FireSmoke, you are worthy of a relationship, you know that too. And you are not too selfish for a relationship. Instead of trying to solve the inner struggles you have, you try to adhere to the idea of you being single, and it's clearly not making you happy.

    If you want my advice, don't try to be single. You are not happy now. I think you know very well that you are capable of being in a relationship, you just have to accept it. (*hug*)
     
  19. FireSmoke

    FireSmoke Guest

    Thanks, guys.

    "Despite all efforts" means that I went to a psychotherapist to find support but that (female) doctor wasn't interested in my feelings. I was angry, because she said I am only an adolescent (what a pity...I'm 19 and I'm not adolescent anymore :dry: Are you drunk, my dear doctor?) and she basically didn't care about me, didn't get me seriously. I tried to go to another psychoterapist but I had the same experience. So, I decided to go to a private doctor but he asked too much money. And I was also too angry to try to go to another doctor.

    I tried to find support in my family, but I received insults from my sister. My mother, who says she's supportive, didn't reprove my sister for those bad things about me. Of course, I claim to be respected but they feels like their thoughts are legitimate. So, my mother doesn't "protect" me from my sister's bullying. I try to defend myself but it's useless. Also my mother doesn't like my queerness but she doesn't admit it.

    Then, I joined EC. I tried to be friend with LGTB people and to stay among people who are similar to me. And I'm still doing this.

    I feel condemned because I'm unappreciate in my family. They define me "strange" in a bad manner all the time, despite one person said a lot of time ago to my mother: "Take a look on *mybirthname*. Don't underrate them. *Mybirthname* is weird, and weird people are genius". My mother smiled but she didn't care too much about it...


    I'm underrated because I'm ADHD, not only because I'm LGTB. This is the reason I'm so hard on myself.

    My God, I spend more that an hour to write this :confused:


    ---------- Post added 20th Nov 2014 at 09:57 PM ----------

    Maybe :confused:
     
    #19 FireSmoke, Nov 20, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 20, 2014
  20. PatrickUK

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    So it took you an hour to write it, but at least you did. You are tired FireSmoke and it probably takes some effort to process anything right now, but the main thing is to keep at it and not lose hope (not easy, I know).

    Sadly, there are some pretty shit therapists 'practicing' out there, who have no understanding of the issues faced by LGBT people. When you encounter them you can come away feeling even worse and more hopeless, but let me tell you that you are not. Believe and keep believing! It might take some searching, but don't give up on the idea of therapy with someone who has a track record with LGBT people and issues. Don't let the justified anger that you have stop you from seeking good help and support.

    Family issues are awful and you deserve better, but you need to share it with us. We do care about these things and you can talk to us about it all. Give yourself that outlet.

    Stay connected and keep talking, even though you are tired. We care.