Questioning Your Existence...

Yep, many, MANY times. I won't lie. I live with my parents (and I hate it), I don't have a vehicle, I don't have a proper job and I don't have a lot of friends. People often see me as immature because of it but there is a reason why I am here and it's unfortunate that people can't take a small step in trying to understand me. I live in a house where there's fighting all day long. The second I go out and try to get away from all that negativity, is the second that people stare at me, laugh at me and tell me that I am an ugly person, make nasty jokes about me and it hurts. It really does.

There have been many times where I thought that it would be best off to take my own life. The only people who've ever been remotely interested in helping me where the therapists I had as a teen. Everyone else wants to run and hide, friends burning bridges between us because I felt that they would listen. That's all I wanted. Yet here I am right now, trying my best to survive.

I know I need to. I know that I will be living with my disorder for the rest of my life and there may be no chance that I'll find a medication that works for me but that doesn't stop me. I know that deep down, people do care and people do want me around, it's just that they don't know how to help me. See.. there's a difference between someone not knowing how to help and someone not helping at all. If my parents hated me or they thought I was old enough to be on my own, they would've kicked me out on the streets. My sister wouldn't come and visit me ever so often. People wouldn't invite me to things on facebook or call me up so that I could help them. It's those little things that get me through. I also get myself through. When I'm down in my room crying and thinking about ways to die, I take out some paper, write notes to people (that I'd throw away later) but pretend like they're going to see them. I'd get all that anger out and tell myself, "Go to sleep and see how you're feeling tomorrow." if I still feel bad, I listen to music. If it continues on, I go to the hosptial and to the therapist there just to get everything off of my mind.

The best thing you could do for yourself is to try and find ways to make you happy and only you. Do more for yourself than for others. It's not selfish because you're still doing things for them. It's time to make you happy. Find out what makes you happy. Do you like art, do you like sports, going for coffee, watching movies.. what do you like to do? Whatever it is, do it and take as much time for yourself as you need. The more time you spend doing things that make you happy, the less time you'll spend in your bad thoughts.

 

I did. Still doing it.

Best way to overcome that your an useless pawn in great bet of God and Satan? Just focus on life. Remember we are all passangers here, so enjoy the ride to the fullest while you are still onboard. Important thing is live the life you want, not what people thing you or anyone should want.

 

Not really, but lately I've been caught up in the idea that I'm destined to experience the technological singularity and, among most others (everyone sooner or later) ascend to digital immortality and enjoy any experience one can imagine through perfect simulation.

Call me crazy but Elon Musk thinks it can happen, or even that it will and we have to take precautions that it doesn't turn into a bad thing.
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I do it, and I like it, because it sparks very interesting philosophical discussions. :icon_bigg

If you accept the fact that you simply are here, not having a purpose at all, it will become much easier. You choose the purpose you want to choose. For instance, I want the world to be a better place, I want to do things that benefit society, or my close friends/family. =)

I don't think we're subject to some kind of plan. I think the plan is something you choose, based on various things. =) I feel sorry you feel depressed, I usually like these questions a lot. If you matter? It depends. For someone who lives in Japan and has never seen you, you probably don't matter. For your close friends, (immediate) family, you do matter. =)

Hope you feel better soon. (*hug*)

 

I have my lengthy indulgences of confidence, but even I am subject to lapses.

Many years ago, I used to think I had no sort of purpose. That I existed, for no real reason, but to just get a glimpse of what could be -- and never to have it. To see others rich, while I toiled for a livable wage, to see others famous, while I drowned in the sea of commonality, to see others succeed, while I was just another cracked pebble beneath their mountain.

I believed myself incapable of love, and that kindness only allowed others to use you. I believed myself unable to ever be anything meaningful, and that working hard was a gamble not worth betting on. I thought luck meant more than dedication, that some people are just destined to reach the top; everybody else, simply existed, to show how much better those, at the top, were.

This infuriated me. It all just boiled within, and despite being burned on the inside, I dealt with it and carried on. I could not accept, I, ___, was just going to be another nobody. So, I turned to putting others down, and keeping them down, to make myself look better in comparison. I turned to bullying, basically. I turned to underhanded tactics and pseudo sentiments, to get what I wanted, and to where I needed.


"That sounds rough, Kaiser. But, um, what does that have to do with, questioning your existence?"

I'm glad you asked!


See, I didn't realize it then, but my life turned out the way it did, then, because of my attitude, perception, and understanding -- or lack thereof. Sure, life is unfair at times, and at others, it fucking sucks. But, between those, you find little tidbits that remind you, "You know, life ain't all bad..."; and those, are what make it worthwhile.

Before, I believed myself just another nobody. Just someone, who existed, for no other purpose than to be another step, on somebody else's stairwell to success. Now, after working on improving myself, and making remarkable progress, I have learned something:

I may never be known on a first name basis, by Stephen Spielberg, but somebody else, in my range of influence, can. And because of my attitude and encouragement, they might find it, in themselves, to rise up and become the next big-time movie director. Replace 'Stephen Spielberg' and 'director' with another appropriate match, and the point still applies.

Many times, in our lives, we would like it to be about us. After all, we have to live in our own bodies, with who we are. The good, the bad, and the ugly. But life is more than that, it's about expressing and exchanging, be that good vibes or just being encouraging. These things, might be difficult to want to provide, but they are a fantastic investment. Trust me, not much, feels better than, somebody, later on, telling you:

"Hey, you remember ___? I didn't say anything back then, but you really touched/inspired me, to ___. Thank you."



I may never know the intimate touch of somebody who desires me.
I may never know the indescribable rush of possessing global supremacy.
I may never be known throughout the world, as some international celebrity.
I may never find the cure for a debilitating disease, or discover a new energy source.
I may never be obtain the matching body for the person on the inside of that said body.
I may never find a genuine friend, or just somebody, who actually cares about me -- and not what I can provide.

But I'll be damned, if I'm to vacate this world, without leaving some kind of mark or impression on it. My mark, may not incite the world into a harmonious revolution, but it will touch somebody, and, hopefully, shatter their shackles of doubt and insecurity, allowing them the mobility to go forth, and do something with their lives.

Call it madness or determination, it means little to me. All that matters is, I have the drive, a desire, to say, 'fuck my predicament', and to overcome it, as best I can, to establish an example of possibilities. I may not see the end of the path I create, but neither will that path be completed, unless somebody -- I -- start it.

If I have made just one person laugh, I am content. But if I make that person feel valued, I am successful.

If you seek the meaning for just yourself, you may not like what you'll find. But, if you seek to instill meaning into others, well, they will come to cherish you. And honestly, to be cherished, is close enough to having purpose.

To me, anyway.