I was talking to my father on the phone today. He's a pretty cool guy. I like him. Very kind, caring, and he always tries to do whatever he can to help out me and my brothers. He's a great father in that way. During the conversation, he asks me about what I do to pass time, and whether I am meeting any new people. I say I mostly sit around the house playing games or whatever, and I don't talk to people much. Becuase my social anxieties make that sort of thing very difficult... He responds with lines like: "Its always great to have friends". "You just gotta get out and meet people". "I can't understand you! Why don't you have a girlfriend yet? When I was growing up that is all I thought about". He says these things almost every time I talk to him. No matter how often I tell him about my anxiety, it just doesn't click for him. He will often say something like, "everyone is nervous". Yeah... Maybe... but not like ME. The way he talks, it is like he thinks I don't want friends. "Its always great to have friends". Yeah... I know. That is why I want them. Thanks for rubbing it in.... Now I just feel really depressed. Well just to clarify. It is not like I am completely friendless. If you have seen the last thread I made, I mentioned someone who is sort of a friend of mine. I say "sort of" because he is more my brother's friend then mine. And they never invite me when they hang out... I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I just felt like talking about it. Maybe you can share similar experiences you had with people? Or maybe you'll even have some advice on getting him to understand and stop repeating those things...
My father and I have a very strained relationship. He doesn't seem to understand, I'm not the child he envisioned having. He still coats me in this aura of expectation, and is usually always disappointed in me, when we do encounter one another. His life philosophy is a very harsh one. Success/winning/scoring highly, are to just be done, there is no pat on the back, "good job", or celebration. Why? Because you're supposed to do that. But if you fail, lose, or score badly, then it's a different story. Then, you get chewed out or looked down upon. Why? Because you aren't supposed to do that. My father used to irritate me with his little saying, whenever I fell short. I'd start to explain what happened, and he'd always cut me off with: "Then, get better." As if getting better, and not having setbacks happen, is that easy. I've never had a serious relationship, so, that disappoints him. I've never seriously played sports, so, that disappoints him. I've never had a serious friend, so, that disappoints him. I've never been openly appreciated by my father's side of the family, so, that disappoints him. I've never taken the "right side" of his interests, so, that disappoints him. -- By "right side", here's an example. I like to study the Axis Powers, while he prefers to study the Allied Powers, from World War II. Normally, you'd think, well, that's kind of cool, you both like history, and between your preferred studies, you could have an interesting discussion on the Second World War... No. It doesn't work like that. The Allies won the war, so they're the ones worth studying, as he used to say. Yeah, my father can be a difficult individual, because of this type of shit. You can continue to amuse your parents, or you can just be honest with them. I chose the latter. I offered the olive branch to my mother, and though it took a while, she and I are working on fixing, what remains of our relationship. My father, however, won't even look at the olive branch, until I fit his idea of an ideal child. Which in his mind is... a girlfriend-juggling, sports-playing, never-failing one. Now, I don't hide my disinterest. My father can take it, leave it, or get over himself and let us salvage, of our relationship, what we can. I did what I could, and that's that. I have my own problems, I don't need more -- especially from my father. He may have not taught me too much, growing up, but I have learned from him: I learned, what type of person not to be. Some folks just won't understand. When that happens, focus on yourself, and do unto yourself what needs to be done. Otherwise, you're wasting away, and living for others. All that said, I'm sorry life is rough right now. But, there will be windows of relief, I assure you. Just be sure to look for them, and to make the most of them, when they do appear. (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
My parents do this to me with my depression and Schizoaffective disorder. I was diagnosed at 17 and even now at the age of 26, they still refuse to really understand or grasp the idea of why I do the things I do. There are days where I can't go to bed, days where I can't get out of bed, days where I want to go out and about and have fun and days where I want to stay home and be away from everyone. Sometimes I don't want to do house work. There are days where I'm so physically and mentally fatigued that I can't do anything and yet they talk to me like I'm simply lazy and just want to sit on the computer all day. I eventually gave up on telling them that I stay online all the time because it's the only thing that keeps my mind busy without getting into the dark stuff (usually when I'm doing nothing, I think negatively) and I can also interact with others without going outside. Most people don't judge me online, which for me, is better.. I don't know if it's a parent thing but it kinda seems like it.. or maybe it's just a person thing.. I feel that with illnesses that are strictly psychological, no one can truly understand them until they've gone through it.. It's not like cancer where you can be like " okay, tumor and surgery and chemo.." where you can have a raw understanding on the outside. I believe that people can't understand because they themselves can switch moods so swiftly that they believe others can as well.. that going out for a simple coffee or a movie will magically fix things. Sadly, most people with these psychological issues can't describe how they feel in a way someone would understand.
