I'm getting married Monday! But all mixed up inside...& in the midst of a depression

Well, me and my mare are getting married this Monday, after being together 24 years. I’m both nervous and excited. Because we don’t have much money, it’s going to be a small celebration/event. On Saturday, my folks will be passing through town en route to Florida. That night, we’ll go out to eat with 4 other friends at a nice restaurant, in the arts district. What makes things kind of tense is that I’ve not seen my folks in 6 years.

The main reason is that I’m always too broke to go up to Michigan, or they’re ‘too busy’. We talk on the phone and they’re accepting, and we get along, but at the same time, there’s this distance. Part of it is that I hide, to a degree, because I’m in ways ashamed that I’m not very successful, in life: the place I live now is tiny, and a mess, my wages have been flat/stagnate for 15 years, my credit is shot, I have not done well in life, and struggle with getting by, most of the time. So aside from the day to day psychological strain, this also makes me feel like a sort of failure. I majored in psych/English in college (BA), got a 3.7, but was never able to really put it to much use, or picture myself in an actual job where I could be myself, be creative, and get by…and so, life has been a huge struggle for me, and being gay, and a rebellious, odd sort, it’s never been easy for me to fit in, or adhere to 9-5 kinds of schedules. I also have been treated for anxiety/depression on and off since I was 17, and first came out…that makes about 30 years of therapy, and various (failed) meds. Why I bring all this up is that despite being deeply in love after so many years, I’ve also been very severely depressed…so that getting married has a kind of unreal quality about it. My partner's folks can't make it, and have never visited; they don't so much approve of this sorta thing, which I know really hurts for my mate, and to me, as well.

People ask, if you're so stressed out, then why not wait? Well, the main reason is that if I don’t, my partner will lose his health insurance Dec 31st, which he gets though my employer, the University of Maryland. They used to honor domestic partnerships, but now, after gay marriage passed, you have to be married by the year’s end, for a partner (now spouse) to still get benefits. He waits tables, and they don’t offer insurance, there. And on the open market, this policy would cost at least $350/mo that we don't have.

Then, on Monday, we go to the courthouse in Baltimore for the ceremony…not too nervous about that, we have the license, all the paperwork. At least it's pretty there, and old building, lots of marble, and nice woodwork. Been there for jury duty, and to declare bankruptcy, once.

But I post this because though I am excited, it brings up such an odd mix of feelings. I know I should seem happier, and more excited…and I am, but at the same time, I’m also going through a kind of crisis point in my life, in terms of a meaningful career that pays OK and the time left to achieve it, and other issues that sometimes cause very dark, self-destructive impulses to cloud my mind, even picturing suicide at points, tough this has to seem so irrational: I mean, I’m getting married, but am still this depressed? What is wrong with me? Why am I so defective?

I’m proud to able to be married in this state, a state that approved not via the courts, but by vote, so that even if the Supreme Court knocks down all the court rulings, we’ll still be married here. But if we ever moved back to Michigan, we wouldn’t be, and that’s kind of hard, unless things change.

Maybe it’s normal to feel this way around your own wedding?

Well, wish me luck.

I feel like I need people to talk to, about this. You can send me a message on my wall, if you like, or comment here.

 

Re: I'm getting married Monday! But all mixed up inside...& in the midst of a depress

Thanks, everyone, for the thoughtful replies.

@Wukie: Yeah, this certainly has made me reflect a lot about life, and where I wanted to 'be'. One problem, is that I've had a very hard time imagining an actual 'career' where I'd be happy...someplace I could be creative, be valued for my imagination, and make a living to the point that I could meet basic needs, like getting teeth fixed when they hurt, and such, without having to worry, or just put it off till these things become huge problems. I think, too, there's this idea that gay men are supposed to be more affluent, somehow. But for me, not fitting into the whole science, math, technology/computer trend, it's always been hard, as the world seems to reward this so much more than the expressive. So that's something that's been a life-long struggle, and for my partner, as well. And at this juncture, and having to have my folks see how we're living in fairly slummy conditions, it's sorta hard, even if we are gonna splurge one night for a nice meal! But we do have each other, and I'm thankful for that.

@CloudyEver: Thanks so much for so many kind words! I do tend to beat myself up a lot, in terms of self image. It's something I have to fight against doing, on an ongoing basis. The article was curious. I'm quite small for a male, and also, a bit hyper-sensitive...I have what is sometimes called 'sensory processing' issues: Which is to say, I'm very sensitive to incoming stimuli (sound, touch, sight). It's kind of like my brain has a volume switch that's been turned up too high, and the incoming stimuli seem exaggerated. So Sometimes, I need boundaries, or to drown things out/turn them down. It is odd, because I am also very social/extroverted, and don't really have social anxiety, but this feeling of 'overall' anxiety. Well, I'm glad you don't think I'm too weird!

And I'll let you know all about how it goes...I've never seen a same-sex marriage before, come to think of it.

@greatwhale: Will do! That is one thing, we do care a lot for each other, and help the other though hard times, like if one of us has lost a job, the other has never judged, but helped us pull through, like a team. I agree that $ is not really important. It's only when the basics are shaky that it starts to put pressure on things. It's hard to explain, the stress of having to do with little, for a long time...but we have shelter, at least, and each other, we could be slaves in a plastics factory in China or caught in a war-zone, so we're still thankful.

Well, I'm nervous, but I feel better, and will report back as things unfold.

((Also, I need to make a separate post about jobs, meaning and being an artistically inclined, rebellious gay male who has trouble following strict rules/schedules, and what this means in terms of careers...my biggest skills are writing poetry, and reading (sometimes) obscure literature. I'm not good with computers and math, and 'coloring in the lines', so to speak. Yet I yearn for a way to have meaning in work that is motivating and fulfilling, as does my partner))

 

Re: I'm getting married Monday! But all mixed up inside...& in the midst of a depress

@Biguy8: I sure hope you find somebody, and I do think it's gonna happen. I never thought it would, and it almost seemed by chance...I knew my partner for 4 years prior, as a friend, and never thought he was gay. And I know what you mean about the gay 'scene'; it can be kinda disheartening, like some weird competition, or something. But don't give up, it's a big world. I was also born in Detroit, so I have relatives there, but from age 2 on, I grew up between Cadillac and Traverse City, way up north, went to HS in TC. I do miss that area. It's sad so many folks can't get married up there, and I really hope that changes soon. It's such a beautiful state, to have such laws as this, and the one you mentioned. Not sure what went wrong, these days, used to seem a lot more prone to individualistic liberty and seemed to have a kind of rebellious spirit to it, as a state goes. Thanks for your kind words, and you'll be in my thoughts; sending positive energy your way!

@Vodkaberet: Yeah, these moments do make you reflect. But I was also thinking: Even if the road was bumpy, we have lived a pretty alternative life, and had a lot of fun times, even if we did have some wild years, in there.

Thanks also for your kind words.

~

I'll let everyone know how it goes, and I do feel much better, just having a place to talk about all this. I guess it's an uncharted territory, sort of like coming out, but different. Though after 24 years, I think we'll be OK!