Attracted to my Flatmate, we have been living together for 5 months, he has been with me flirting here and there which i thought was just a normal harmless thing straight guys do. All this changed when a close friend of mine saw him for the first time and commented that he looked like he was really attracted to me. She wouldn't be the first friend to mention that but what they don't know is he's not always like that. He is sweet to talk to one day and cold the next day where he locks himself in his room and ignores me, if i'm being honest i realized today it kind of mirrors what i do to him at times. He knows i'm gay and practically applied to an ad that said looking for a gay housemate but i did write on the bottom gay friendly can apply. He never said his orientation but said he doesn't have an issue living with homosexual guy. All his ex have been women. Since i started developing these feelings i have stopped those random flirts and things are starting to be awkward where i have ignored him to prevent these feelings from developing. It seams the harder i tried to ignore it the more intense it becomes.. i'm to scared to talk to him about, i'm scared he might leave if that happened and i don't want that to happen.. I dont know what to do, any help or advice would be good just don't know what to think.
Sounds like he still isn't for sure in what he wants. Maybe this could be the reason why some days he likes to flirt and other day he doesn't. My advice is to give him time to think but be there for him
Ok, I tend to avoid these kind of threads that basically boil down to guessing someone else's sexuality based on stuff coming from a very biased source, however... You do sound very distressed about the subject, and given that we are not talking about just some friend but rather your flatmate, someone with whom you have to coexist in the same space on a daily basis, this is something you need to get some sort of resolution for before it starts upsetting the balance in your life (if it hasn't already). SO here is my practical bit of advice: Above all else, you have to find out his orientation. How you proceed from now on hangs on the answer to that question and that is a question only he can answer. Not you, not some friend of a friend, him. So far you have only assumed he is straight but you have never sought a direct answer, do so; ask him about his sexuality. You two are friends, he knows you are gay, you've talked about past relationships before, all the groundwork for you to be able to ask that question in a natural way has already been laid, so just go ahead and raise the question during one of your conversations. It doesn't even have to be something as straight-forward as "Are you gay?", even getting him to corroborate his heterosexuality will be enough. "I just realized all this time I've just assumed you are straight, is that right?" or something like that (or not, that sounds too me lol), you know him, I trust you will know how to phrase the question and fit it into one of your convos in a way that won't stand out or make you sound too interested in the answer (make it casual, be nonchalant about it, like it's a stray thought that just occurred to you). In any case, get an answer or a confirmation and once you have that... If he is bi/pan/closeted gay but opens up to you, tell him how you feel. Again, this is something I won't touch much upon because you know your feelings better than I. That saaaaid there are a few things I would advise you to keep in mind, like for instance, don't demand or expect reciprocation; this is about you being sincere for the sake of having a transparent friendship, angle it in a way that reflects that (instead of being like "So how do you feel about me? Do you like me back?"). Let him know that if things got awkward between you two before and if you sometimes ignored him/got cold around him, it was because you were sorting out this feelings/attraction and not because of something he did or yada yada yada. I'm getting too specific so I'm gonna stop here, but you get the gist of it. Afterwards, let him process whatever you told him. The ball will be in his court and you've left yourself wide open for him to score (HA!) if he so desires without straining your relationship if he decides to just keep you as a friend. If he confirms to you that he is straight, then the pragmatic side of me kicks in and I have to advise you to let it go, if at all possible. No if's, no but's, no more wondering, game over. Kill those feelings. Go look in the mirror and tell to yourself "This is not going to happen" as many times as need be until you accept the reality of it. Mourn the relationship that never was (if you must), and afterwards move on. Maybe try to meet some other guys, maybe focus more on your job/hobbies, maybe stay at a friends' house for a day or two, I don't know just do whatever you need to get those feelings out of your system. I'm telling you this because if you were looking for a flatmate I have to assume you need the financial assistance to pay the bills. In my case, keeping a roof over my head takes utmost priority over almost anything else and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that if I can help it. Same goes for him, I'm assuming he needs this arrangement just as much as you do, if not more so. With all of that in mind, the risk of him taking your confession badly and creating a toxic environment in your flat as a result is just too high for me to consider it a viable choice. He sounds like a really nice, open-minded guy but given that you live together (lots of emphasis on that) I can't predict he is gonna be comfortable with your attraction. This is all in the hypothetical scenario that he confirms to you his heterosexuality; if he were something but straight I would feel more secure confiding my feelings to him even if they are not mutual but as it is you stand to (potentially) lose more by telling him than by dealing with your feelings on your own. I would only advise you to confess under these circumstances if you are unable to move on and keeping the secret turns out to be more toxic than letting it all out. All of this is coming from an outsider's point of view (from an incredibly pessimistic person at that) only taking in consideration the few facts relied by a biased source (it's not your fault, you can't help it) so take it with a big grain of salt. Consider what I've said (sorry for the lenght) yet don't take it as gospel, you know your situation (in addition to him) better than I do and in the end you are the only one who knows for sure what's better for you. Chin up and good luck.
@The Virgo, i think you have a good point there. @Rawrzilla Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I agree with you, i need to find out his orientation as that is the biggest culprit for all this confusion. I think he tried to hint it out couple of times. I wanted to put an ad up for another flatmate, he said i can put it up as two gay housemates looking for another and that he was ok with it. I thought it was weird so i shrugged it off and say thats ok i'll put one gay and straight guy and his facial expression changed from a happy grin to blank and went off to do something else. In the time we have been living togather i told him i was going on a date with someoneat the time i was attracted to and he later posted on Facebook a Buddha quote "at the end three things exist how you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you". He makes strange comments like if i say i might have a nightmare if i watch this movie, he replies if you get a nightmare you can come and cuddle with me, and tend to shrug it off and change the topic because i dont want to look like the gay predator who makes things up in my head and run after a straight guy. He continuesly mentions he doesn't want anyone else to move here and for it to be just us too. lately he's changed and that's what is making me think, i know realize all those things that he has been doing for me, whether it be folding my clothes, washing my dishes after i accidentally forget to and driving me at midnight pretending he needs to get something from the supermarket so i can get what i wanted was a bit too nice. This all started the day i started having these feelings and become cold towards him so not develop these feelings. But at the end this isn't about me, it just hurts to see him so hurt. He's developed insomnia and i can't bare to see someone so hurt. I asked him if everything was ok and after continually asking he replied "if there is anything you think i should talk to you about tell me i'll talk to you about it" as he sat really close looking his phone nervously. As that happened my friend was outside waiting for me and had to leave. The most of a conversation it seams we've had lately is after a drunken explicit text i sent which after i apologized said not to worry about it and laughed it off, and we had more talk then we had in 2 weeks... I've had friends and work colleagues tell me they had a crush i would be flattered and tell them i'm gay or just love them more as a friend for telling me the honest. But it seams i have this thought that the world would end If i do. At the end of the day i can handle see someone hurt and uncomfortable about what i say or do. I think your advice was great and i need to work on it.
Ok, given all these new information that has come to light, I think you should just talk to him about what's happening between you two ('cuz this is clearly affecting him too) regardless of his actual orientation. I would still ask that first if I were you since it's a nice way to start a conversation about your attraction but overall I think we've already reached this point: So it doesn't matter as much anymore. Just get both of you some peace of mind and set the record straight (HA). If it amounts to anything I believe you won't lose him no matter whether he reciprocates your feelings or not, he sounds way too attached to you (one way or another) to let go of your friendship over something so petty. Again, chin up and good luck. Disclaimer: I'm a little bit drunk at the time of posting so hopefully all of that made sense.
You can't help who you fall in love with but if you are not sure how he feels it might not be a good idea to tell him. In my experience things turn out fine in the long term
@Rawrzilla I really want to Thank you so much, these last 5 months of confusion and no one to give me a clear unbiased advice you came out of nowhere like a guardian Angel. I have taken your advice on board and started letting go of all these preconceived thoughts i had and showed how feel. Things have gotten better now, though we didn't fully say it out just yet as we're taking it slowly, he now knows how i feel towards him and i now know how feels towards me. We're no longer ignoring each other and trying work it out slowly. There is no longer awkwardness or confusion. I might still been confused and our relationship whether be friends, more oe housemate would have broken down even more if it won't for your advice, Thanks Rawrzilla you're an amazing person ☺
I'm happy to know the situation with your flatmate has already changed for the better. Feel free to come back to us if you have any further inquiry of this nature moving forward, or if you just feel like posting random shit you think no one will care about (there's always someone). And honestly? I thank you for your gratitude. I don't usually write posts that... Thorough, because I'm a slob and that involves sooo much typing. That said, I will keep this happy(ish) resolution in mind next time I see myself shying away from typing a full response because of my laziness when I know I can do more to contribute to the given subject. So yeah, thank you for taking the time to update us on the way things turned out for you. You heard it here first folks, EC mending broken homes and fractured relationships aaawww yeaaaah
