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Sexual role shaming, is it actually a thing?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Burnedcloset, Dec 25, 2014.

  1. Burnedcloset

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    So I got to thinking after reading through a a certain thread.

    Have you ever felt shame being a certain sexual role? (Bottom, top, both...ect.) I'm not sure if this is appropriate as, I never really asked a question like this?

    (I'm kind of asking this because I am feeling ashamed of what I think I might be....but, you probably knew that :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:......and it actually feels like I'm coming out to myself again or something.....in a smaller, less dramatic way though)

    Have you ever desired to be the opposite sexual role (top, bottom...ect)?

    :icon_redf

    Edit: do you think it's rooted in internalized homophobia? Becuase I don't want to have any of that.
     
  2. Robert

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    Yes, of course it is a thing.

    The top is the traditional male or dominant position whereas the bottom is traditional female or submissive one.

    Its easier to tell your friends you topped someone rather than bottomed because they could view you as less of a man if you take a dick up your butt rather than stick your dick in to a butt. Its stupid but true.
     
  3. Chip

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    There's no question that a lot of bottoms feel a certain amount of shame at being a bottom. This is evidenced by, when someone says "You're a big nelly bottom" people often respond with "I am not. I'm vers." or something of the sort.

    Bottoming is seen as demasculinizing, and in traditional heterosexual male gender roles, any sign of weakness is abhorred. Remember, too, that we have phrases used in various (non-sexual) settings like "He needs to take one for the team" or "They totally bent me over and fucked me in the ass" that, again, imply weakness for the bottom.

    So it's no wonder.

    That said, I think it's all bullshit. Among my friends we do regularly give one another shit about being nelly bottoms... but it's all in good fun and, honestly, I think it has the effect of reducing shame when done in that context. But the shame is definitely real for some.
     
  4. Jellal

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    I keep my submissive sexual role under wraps for the same reason I haven't been forward with my gender, I really hate being mocked for stuff that's not a joke to me. Part of the problem is sometimes I can be rather humorless, particularly when I feel like I'm being made into a target. It's a shame I can't take jokes/insults as easily as I dish them out!

    It could just be around the guys I'm familiar with, but there certainly appears to be shame associated with being sexually submissive. Males, at least the stereotypical straight ones, are supposed to be dominant so anything other than that logically must be emasculating.
     
  5. C P

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    Eh, don't care about any of that, so couldn't say anything personally.

    Yeah, probably has something to do with internalized homophobia though, but likely more so misogyny.

    As the others above pointed out, it's typically seen that the bottom is taking the 'female'/submitting role since he's the one who's -getting f'd-. And, as we all know with the mindset of those kinda people, getting screwed/dominated by another guy (as if you're the 'woman'; thanks heteronormativity) in a sexual setting makes you less of man/takes away your manhood/demasculinizes you/blah blah blah.

    This is why you may hear stupid shit like how if a guy tops another, then he's not gay(yes, there are people who spout this stuff), or whatever. I've even seen some guys pretty much try to make themselves tops or reasserting their 'topness' as if it somehow makes them less gay/the lesser gay one/(in their mind)straight.

    So, yes, there is plenty of bottom shame.
     
  6. Spartan 117

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    Fortunately, I haven't heard any of this "your anal sex position says something about your personality" nonsense from my gay friends. Maybe because they're too sensible! In my experience being a "bottom" does not mean you necessarily act feminine and it certainly doesn't mean you weak. Just like being a "top" doesn't make you masculine and powerful.

    Don't feel shame because of stereotypes invented by people who don't know how to have fun in the bedroom! :wink:
     
  7. White Knight

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    Some cultures put being bottom and being top very distinct places, like ours. One is usually seen as okay, even heard guys bragging about "fucking a fag" or how fags dig them.

    Other is a great shame. The less you seen like man the less you think as human being. Even for women, more manlier they are more they praised by men or women alike.

    Probably those scars, those shaming moments what makes many gay people in this country afraid to come out. We don't like gay bashings but social/emotional bullying is very common. Killing someone's humanity/self esteem sometimes seem worse than actually killing them. In Turkish language worst insults you can throw are either related to otherside's mother... or more commonly calling people fag... so common that even us LGBT people do that.

    Cis female and trans people also have their own problems but I can't delwe into them at the moment. Emotional build up from writing those things above enough for now.
     
  8. tulipinacup

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    It's a turn off for me when guys talk to me how they're "strictly" top and would never go down on a guy because god forbid that would degrade their masculinity. It's not just about being very picky when it comes to sex but how they would think that being a bottom would equate to being feminine/submissive.

    Also it's 2014 tops can get their buttholes licked.
     
  9. C P

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    So much truth tea; I can't tell you how ridiculously stupid this is(I've heard it enough) and why I'm glad I don't have to be a part of it.

    These guys don't speak of it as if bottoming/going down is something they've tried and they don't like/care for it for whatever reason, they speak of it as if it is a fate worse than death in regards to their masculinity/manhood and have to let you know, at every opportunity, that they'd -never- do either. I recall one guy in particular who said he wouldn't even let anything near his butt.

    So many of the poor things are completely oblivious to the fact that being a 'total top' doesn't make you anymore straight/less gay.
     
  10. CandyKing

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    Bottoms are the women in gay relationships, apparently their is always a woman even when it's two men fucking. :dry:
     
    #10 CandyKing, Dec 25, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2014
  11. Austin

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    Yes. Bottoms are seems as feminine. Femininity is seen as bad. Simple as that.

    Have I ever felt ashamed of my sexual position? No.
    Have I wanted to change my sexual position? Is this really a question? If I did, I would change it. Really don't care what people think. But, I really can go both ways so I don't associate with top or bottom roles really.
     
  12. ahardlife

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    Iv'e not felt any shame being bottomed more turned on being called various names ANYWAY
    I do the same to him if I was being the dominant one . whats most important is you are doing something you enjoy doing to hell what anyone else thinks .
     
  13. NingyoBroken

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    Well, I'm a top so.. I'm not ashamed. But if I was a bottom, I wouldn't be either because fuck what people say.
     
  14. BryanM

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    For some people there may be some shame in being a bottom or being a submissive top in a relationship. As long as you and your partner are both happy and not forcing each other to do something they don't want to do there should be no shame, as I don't see any shame in being the bottom, or the top.
     
  15. Fallingdown7

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    I'm not a guy but I noticed bottoming is shameful since It's seen as feminine, submissive, weak, etc. Doesn't have to be true at all. I've seen really muscular, hairy bottoms, that control the top and make him their bitch. And even straight men can prefer to bottom. So It's really the attitude you give it.
     
  16. The Virgo

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    I feel bad for the bottom guys and gals! Everyone should feel proud of what sexual role they like to play. I think the best way for someone afraid of being shamed is to look past what people say about them being a bottom...after all the top couldn't get off if it wasnt for the bottom..
     
  17. Pret Allez

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    Yes. In the gay male community, there is an undercurrent of shaming people who like receptive anal intercourse. This comes from a vaguely misogynistic notion that penetrating is more masculine, and people "who bottom" are "getting fucked like women." Whether stated or not, there's been enough mythology built up around it over the years that we're still trying to work through the shame, in the male-bodied queer community.

    The sheer volume of anonymous threads posted on Empty Closets is mostly from people who prefer or are at least interested in trying receptive intercourse.

    I think that it would be quite healthy if we could get away from gendered notions around sexuality. As much as many of us hate the question "so who is the man in this relationship?" or "who is the woman in this relationship?," many of us often behave in ways that appear to reinforce gendered notions of roles in sexuality.

    Many gay men love their masculinity, and they cling to it strongly. I have seen quite a few gay men in my area who are a lot more masculine than straight men. I can only conjecture as to why this is. Maybe it's authentic. Maybe not. But there is a lot of pressure in the male-bodied queer community to present quite masculine in order to be sexually desirable. So I wonder how much of this masculinity is really authentic as opposed to how much of it is just people "selling" themselves in the sexual "marketplace."

    ~ Adrienne
     
  18. drwinchester

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    Here's the funny thing. I sort of assumed I'd be a pure top when I was a virgin. But as it turned out, I ended up being way more versatile, ending up with someone who's primarily a top (but is willing to bottom for me if we start slowly).

    Definitely think there's a stigma against guys who enjoy bottoming. I mean, it doesn't make you the "woman" or "man" in the relationship, considering it's a fucking GAY relationship and whether you're two lesbians or two gay guys, you're both the same gender anyway.

    Sex is supposed to feel good and everyone's got preferences. So as long as you're open to trying new things once in a while, identify your sexual roles or whatever if desired.
     
  19. FANTIE

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    Why would you tell anybody your sexual role if you are getting discriminated?
     
  20. Kaiser

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    Folks got time to hate, but wonder why they ain't got no date.

    LOL!

    But seriously, I always find it amusing when [many] heterosexual men talk about this, and how if they have to be gay, they'd never bottom...

    Person: Look, I'm just sayin'. If I had to be gay, I ain't takin' it in the ass.
    Me: What if a woman wanted to do something with your ass?
    Person: Nope!
    Me: Just not comfortable with that, or... ?
    Person: It's too gay.
    Me: So, it's the act then that bothers you. If that's the case, does oral sex make the 'too gay' list? Because I'm pretty sure, two men can orally pleasure one another, too -- it is the act, not the person you do it with, right?
    Person: I... bu-- I... damn it, ___!
    Me: Also... wouldn't it be more manly to be with another man? I mean, women are usually so soft and gentle...
    Person: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! I GET IT, I GET IT, LOL!

    I have an odd sense of humor, sometimes, when making a point.