My College Essay

[Derek the Wolf]

Hey guys. I wrote a college essay on a topic of national/international importance and such. It is below, unformatted. Please read (if you've got the time) and tell me what you think. All criticisms of form, organization, and grammar are great!

The issue of same-sex marriage has been thrown around for years with slow but sure progress in the United States. The idea, although foreign to some, is an essential freedom guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution. Three things are guaranteed by the United States as fundamental necessities for every citizen: life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. How can a country that guarantees pursuit of happiness not allow two people that love one another not to be married? The United States government cannot continue to follow the moral reasoning of the Vatican, or the United States of America is essentially a theocracy. The Constitution needs to be amended, and these people given their rights which they have already been promised in the land of the free.
When two people fall in love, they often choose to validate their relationship in a promise to be loyal to one another. Although biologically it makes sense for this relationship to be between a man and woman, it doesn’t need to be exclusive. Love and attraction are manifested in many forms, including personal, emotional, physical, and sexual. A union between two partners is typically shown in all these forms of attraction. Perhaps one cause for homophobic sentiment in today’s society is the unconventional form of sexual attraction manifest in a same-sex relationship. Although is does not serve the same biological purpose of creating offspring, does this mean it is any less a way to show affection? Should not two consenting adults be able to do what they like in the confines of their own bedroom? Any loving relationship between two consenting adults should be permitted by the state. What right does the government have to say that two people cannot wed?
Civil and religious marriages are two separate stories. While the views of the Catholic Church are very clear on the issue of same-sex marriage, this should not influence the views of the state. Separation of church and state was a fundamental concept when building America as it is today. Freedom of religion is a fundamental right in this country and rarely has it been intruded upon. Most arguments against same-sex marriage are grounded in the Bible, and thus, Christian religion. And rightly so, the Catholic Church has the right to deny the validity of any union between same-sex couples. However, this only applies to religious marriage. How can a civil union be denied by a government which is not ruled by the Vatican? There has to date been no form of valid non-religious argument against same-sex marriage. The United States Government cannot continue to deny rights to its citizens on the principles of Christianity.
There’s nothing to say that Christian values are wrong. In their own right, the church can continue to deny homosexual practices as immoral. The Catholic Church defines the act of sex with two purposes: displaying love and creating life. On these grounds, it can be shown that a homosexual union is unreasonable as it cannot produce children. However, many same-sex couples choose to adopt children abandoned by their loving, morally upright straight parents. Not to say that straight couples are wrong, such a statement would be ludicrous, but irresponsible parents and bad decisions have left every nation with orphans. Same-sex couples have demonstrated in many instances to be equally capable parents as different-sex couples, and those who opt to adopt can serve as a positive influence on children who otherwise don’t have much hope for a happy life. It should be very child’s dream to have same-sex parents, because they are more likely to be accepting of their offspring for who they are. And as more and more people are coming out and leading an openly gay lifestyle, they are going to demand rights with a louder voice than ever.
The growing number of members in the LGBT community shows a rising need for legal same-sex marriage. Studies have shown that as high as 10% of people have homosexual feelings and inclinations. To put that in perspective, that’s about 650 million people worldwide, and 30 million people in the United States. 30 million people in the United States could fall in love and never be able to marry the person they love because of a government that follows the Vatican without regard for the freedoms of its citizens. Laws are designed to give us basic moral guidelines and keep us from hurting ourselves and others. Same-sex marriage is not a moral threat to the people of this great nation. Homosexuals do not recruit, do not intrude, and do not threaten the moral integrity of the country. All they want is the right to be married legally to they person the love. Is that so much to ask for?

[jbb1236]

Originally Posted by derek

Hey guys. I wrote a college essay on a topic of national/international importance and such. It is below, unformatted. Please read (if you've got the time) and tell me what you think. All criticisms of form, organization, and grammar are great!

The issue of same-sex marriage has been thrown around for years with slow but sure progress in the United States. The idea, although foreign to some, is an essential freedom guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution. Three things are guaranteed by the United States as fundamental necessities for every citizen: life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. (see note one) How can a country that guarantees pursuit of happiness not allow two people that love one another not to be married? The United States government cannot continue to follow the moral reasoning of the Vatican, or the United States of America is essentially a theocracy. The Constitution needs to be amended, and these people given their rights which they have already been promised in the land of the free.
When two people fall in love, they often choose to validate their relationship in a promise to be loyal to one another. Although biologically it makes sense for this relationship to be between a man and woman, it doesn’t need to be exclusive. Love and attraction are manifested in many forms, including personal, emotional, physical, and sexual. A union between two partners is typically shown in all these forms of attraction. Perhaps one cause for homophobic sentiment in today’s society is the unconventional form of sexual attraction manifest in a same-sex relationship.(note 2) Although is does not serve the same biological purpose of creating offspring, does this mean it is any less a way to show affection? Should not two consenting adults be able to do what they like in the confines of their own bedroom? Any loving relationship between two consenting adults should be permitted by the state. What right does the government have to say that two people cannot wed?
Civil and religious marriages are two separate stories. While the views of the Catholic Church are very clear on the issue of same-sex marriage, this should not influence the views of the state. Separation of church and state was a fundamental concept when building America as it is today. Freedom of religion is a fundamental right in this country and rarely has it been intruded upon. Most arguments against same-sex marriage are grounded in the Bible, and thus, Christian religion. And rightly so, the Catholic Church has the right to deny the validity of any union between same-sex couples. However, this only applies to religious marriage. How can a civil union be denied by a government which is not ruled by the Vatican? There has to date been no form of valid non-religious argument against same-sex marriage. The United States Government cannot continue to deny rights to its citizens on the principles of Christianity.
There’s nothing to say that Christian values are wrong. In their own right, the church can continue to deny homosexual practices as immoral. The Catholic Church defines the act of sex with two purposes: displaying love and creating life. On these grounds, it can be shown that a homosexual union is unreasonable as it cannot produce children. However, many same-sex couples choose to adopt children abandoned by their loving, morally upright straight parents. Not to say that straight couples are wrong, such a statement would be ludicrous, but irresponsible parents and bad decisions have left every nation with orphans. Same-sex couples have demonstrated in many instances to be equally capable parents as different-sex couples, and those who opt to adopt can serve as a positive influence on children who otherwise don’t have much hope for a happy life. It should be very child’s dream(note 3) to have same-sex parents, because they are more likely to be accepting of their offspring for who they are. And as more and more people are coming out and leading an openly gay lifestyle, they are going to demand rights with a louder voice than ever.(note 4)
The growing number of members in the LGBT community shows a rising need for legal same-sex marriage. Studies have shown that as high as 10% of people have homosexual feelings and inclinations. To put that in perspective, that’s about 650 million people worldwide, and 30(note 5) million people in the United States. 30(note 5) million people in the United States could fall in love and never be able to marry the person they love because of a government that follows the Vatican without regard for the freedoms of its citizens. Laws are designed to give us basic moral guidelines and keep us from hurting ourselves and others. Same-sex marriage is not a moral threat to the people of this great nation. Homosexuals do not recruit, do not intrude, and do not threaten the moral integrity of the country. All they want is the right to be married legally to they person the love. Is that so much to ask for?

Sorry, if I seem a little harsh, my intentions are to help you get the best grade possible. As a disclaimer, I am neither infallible nor 100% right, so feel free to get a second opinion.

1
Start off with "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, three rights guaranteed by the U.S. constitution for all people. But do all people actually getting these rights, the reality is no. Same sex couples in the U.S. are subjugated to second class status when it comes to marriage.How can a country that guarantees pursuit of happiness not allow two people that love one another not to be married?............."

In your intro sum up your key points to give the reader a preview.

2
"Perhaps one cause for homophobic sentiment in today’s society is the unconventional form of sexual attraction manifest in a same-sex relationship"
-This sentence is confusing, maybe there is a word missing or something.

3
"It should be very child’s dream"
-every?

4
"they are going to demand rights with a louder voice than ever"
-they are going to demand rights with a voice that continues to get louder and louder.

5
Spell out numbers bigger than 10

6
You need a formal conclusion