So I have this terrible fear of rejection. I know, no one LIKES rejection, but I watch other people do things I could never do and not seem to mind if they get rejected. This is in regard to everything, not just love interested - I have a hard time making new friends because I'm afraid to initiate anything. I can talk to anyone just fine, but taking it to the next level is the hard part. My only friends are people who went out of their way to befriend me. I'd like to be able to do some initiating, too. On NPR today there was a story about a guy who did what he called rejection therapy to desensitize to rejection. The game is, every day you have to get rejected by someone. He started by asking someone for a ride across town, they said no and bingo, he has his rejection for the day. Supposedly it turns it into a good thing because a rejection allows you to tick it off as done for that day. I just might do this. Can't hurt, right?
Yeah it sounds like it's basically to stop you from emotionally investing in things and overthinking the reason for rejection. Using the car example: you realize it would be dumb to think not getting a ride across town had something to do with you. Perhaps it did, but more than likely it was out of that person's way or timing didn't work out. Fear of rejection and setbacks is a very juvenile mindframe where essentially one expects to achieve everything they pursue without a hitch. When they realize life does not work this way, rather than developing functional coping mechanisms, social paralysis and total avoidance of any potential rejection become the person's default behaviours. I think this exercise is to help slowly break that cyclical thought process.
There are a few underlying thought patterns of fear of rejection: - usually its overblown how others perceive people. Usually people go through their day. - just be yourself. Don't go out of your way, don't be overly eccentric, and everything should be ok. If people don't react positive, its their fault. Who knows, maybe they are thinking of something completely different that happened to them a few hours ago. Its this mismash of perceived expectations and should bes. If you remain natural and yourself, it might turn out all right. I would suggest to practise talking to strangers as a habit. Saying a few nice words to the cashier... like thats a nice t-shirt you have on... etc... A bit of chitchat about the weather... etc... Just a little talk without big expectations... (*hug*)
I'm actually really good at chit chat. Where I have trouble is getting to the next level, suggesting lunch or a movie or whatever. Logically I know that a no on this is not the end of the world and may have nothing to do with me at all, but I have trouble doing it.
It sounds good but how much desensitization would be considered good? The reason I bring this up is because of the collateral effects of antidepressants such as "emotional blunting." I wish I FELT more than I do; however, life has been a little easier being a little more desensitized. However, yes, in its more rudimentary form, I agree with you. Rejection does leave some deep wounds for some and thickening the skin can only help.
Well its from chitchat to getting a bit more personal. But it should be fairly easy, one way could be to ask interested questions. nice t-shirt->thank you->where did you get it from?->store x-> ah i've heard from it but never been there. I'm from (part of town). Have you heard of store y... It could be any subject, a hobby... Just being interested, showing glimpses of oneself, and keep asking questions... if there is nothing shown of oneself its an interrogation... To some extent. But you don't want to train to be rejected. You want to train to come in contact with people.
it is easy for some. I have an acquaintance/friend who has suggested at least four times that we get together to do something. It just hasn't worked out so far, but all those no's don't seem to bother her at all. I want to be more like that! Not thickened skin to where you stop asking, but to where you keep trying! A
That would be for the professionals to gauge and quantify IMO. I only meant to imply that the technique has been proven to be therapeutic in certain circumstances. I agree that emotional blunting isn't a wholly good outcome but I will say that some people would rather be numb to emotions than have to deal with them day in and day out.
Well I guess I started today! I got rejected (in a nice way) by my crush. And it was fine. I could easy do that again. Not so sure about finding something every single day, though, we'll see.
Were you adopted as a young child or traumatized by rejection earlier in your life? I ask because I am the same way. I am afraid of love. I have never initiated a relationship romantically or friend-wise. It's most likely due to trauma of being abandoned as an infant. I'm just curious. I say go for the therapy if you think it will help you.
I was incredibly painfully shy as a child so I think I just never developed some of those social skills. No abuse or anything, my parents were well meaning but didn't really know what to do about it. In my 20s I was not comfortable making small talk or anything. Now I'm much better and this initiating thing is kind of my last hurdle. If I had it to do over again, though, I'd address this way earlier. I am a much, much happier person now than I was then, so I missed out for a long time. So yeah maybe you should think about therapy? I believe it can only help.
