See, when I about 12 or 13, I fell in love with a fellow classmate, he was very very handsome, very popular among other students etc. At first, this guy sent me very mixed signs: he told me that I was handsome except when I used makeup to cover my Madonna-like mole (I was very insecure about this at the time), so basically this guy told me that I was handsome just the way I was, that I should accept myself blah blah blah. We made team at gym class, I helped him with other subjects etc etc we weren't exactly close maybe because I was so anxious. He lived just a few block away from my house, so I remember one night where the local circus was behind my place and I saw him standing right there, on this own. I walked towards him very slowly (from behind so he couldn't see me) and I ended up a few millimeters aways from him that was beautiful Even at this very young age, I struggled with social anxiety but I wanted to be as visible as possible in order to attract other guys. So, one day, I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend and he freaked out He was sending me other mixed signs, so this is why I dared to ask him (otherwise I wouldn't)... Then, everything changed. I was being bullied a lot by other students and he made fun of me, when I cried or when my behavior was socially awkward. I can't tell if he was just being mean or he wasn't taking it serious. I swear I saw signs at the time, maybe he was just playing around, or he freaked up when everybody started to bully me for being gay I can't tell... So, basically, among other things, I never ask anybody out, never dare to show my emotions. I know it's internalized homophobia but my high school year left me a bitter taste in my mouth. And I still feel that my attraction towards men is shameful
Wow, that sort of came out of nowhere at the end. That would be a good starting point for if you choose to reflect on yourself and what happened. Not everyone who has gay feelings is ready to show them in the open. Asking him out was amazingly brave; I don't know if I could do it and I have done some crazy stuff. Accepting your offer would take almost the same amount of courage and he didn't even have time to prepare himself. Sorry it didn't work out this time. But whenever you get the chance to talk to him in private, maybe he'll be ready to express himself better about the two of you. Yet your quote up there leads me to say you may want to figure out for yourself what is or isn't shameful about being attracted to other guys. You won't be happy with one until that part makes sense to you.
I don't think so... :lol: I haven't seen him in ages! he's living in other state, I think he's "married" now and has two children, plus I don't care about him anymore... I wouldn't like to talk to him anymore, not even in a friendly way... I thought he was nice for all things he said to me in the beginning but after 3 years of sharing the same classroom I could tell he was very immature, a total jerk I just wanted to share this because maybe the wound is not 100% healed
Lol, I must have missed the part where you said it was years ago. Yikes XDDD Oh well, the part about it giving you something to think about still makes sense.
I'm sorry that you had such a negative experience in such a young age. The scares in that age we carry all our lives. It will not kill us but makes as smarter so we would not make the same mistakes again. Your feelings are natural to you don't be ashamed of them, its the way you were created. Now don't let that experience to define your future relations, you're older and wiser and your signs reading definitely better. Don't lose hope to find your true love, just keep your heart and mind open.
I learned so much from this experience, especially my #1 rule When a guy sends you mixed signs, just walk away
edy...high school came be really rough.So much of the time kids are worried more about what everybody else thinks of them than anything else around them. He could have felt the same way for you that you felt, but just have been terrified that someone else would find out. What is past is really past. High school is over. You don't have to be afraid of what someone else thinks of you...if they don't like/accept you it's their problem Take your time, find out what your heart says. Love is not shameful, I suppose lust can be (I guess it depends a little on the circumstances there...hope I haven't got myself or you in trouble with that comment). Let me say it again...love is not shameful. To love someone is to care for them. I heard it defined once as: "the desire for the very best for another person regardless of how they feel about me". That's kind of tough... but feeling that an attraction towards anyone that you may love is never shameful. Period.
I know how you feel edy, and I gotta say, it's taken the seriousness of a job to even get me to dare come out to even a few people who I would consider strangers. Life is tough, I get it, it does sound like he gave you a bunch of mixed signals. But understand that life goes on, people grow up, and taboos grow old and tired. Don't give up hope, because you have to remember that the only person that can help you find true love is you.
