This might be a little long but im so confused & more so just wondering if this situation has happened to someone else. I guess support is what I am looking for. I am 31 and was dating a guy for 10 months. We literally had the best relationship. so much fun, had such a great connection not many problems at all really. I loved him, he told me he loved me and Then unexpectantly he broke it off and im confused. He says it was a combination of things - i have a tendency to be a little loud and outspoken when im out in public and he is very quiet and subdued. a couple times we would get in rifts over those things but we always bounced back. He came to me and told me that it was this and also because hes tormented about being gay and closeted and he doesnt think i deserve to be with someone like him. he also says he doesnt think he can have a successful relationship with someone if he's going through so much torment. He was very closeted and because of his culture wasnt sure if or when he would come out but he did constantly tell me he was tormented by it and i told him i would stick by him through it and i did. I look back at our relationship and i think about how we would barely french kiss. he woudlnt touch my private parts, our foreplay was non-existant (it went straight to penetration). I also look back at how he would tell me he hated to hang out with some of my friends because they were "too gay acting." He even told me about a story once wiht one of his exes that in public the ex would embarrass him and one time told him "You just hate yourself because you are gay" and he said that was the ultimate hurt. all that above is important because when he was breaking it off he told me one of the main factors is because he knows what comes next in terms of public embarrassment and he didn't want to go through something like that again like he did wiht his ex. He basically never even gave me the chance to prove otherwise that i wasnt his ex (I would NEVER embarrass him like that in public or OUT him) i say all this to say - although im moving on im so confused as to why we had such a great connection and he would give it up on a thought that something COULD happen. I am starting to believe he hates being gay and is so tormented that he decided to end our love rather than deal with the demons together. Anyone date someone closeted or have been closeted and end meaningful amazing relationships just because you didn't want to deal with the idea of coming out? Also - he really wanted to keep our connection by still texting and possibly hanging out. he didnt want to cut it off all the way and when i told him i was (which i have) he got really mad at me and stormed away. (yet subsequently the next day wound up texting me that he misses me to which i ignored). Thoughts?
Hey wow that is a delicate situation. I think the best thing to do is to say it is your choice to be with him and ultimately not his decision to chose whether you deserve him. Also it sounds like have tried to be supportive however he still is pushing you away. Sadly you sometimes have to let people go and I understand why you don't want to remain friends it is like a kick in the guts, I like you but I don't like you enjoy to continue dating you, what a cop out. All the best with your next relationship, I'm sorry this guy has hurt you.
Boyfriend sounds a lot like me so I'll try to give insight from his perspective. If I were him, I would probably be acting the same way. No public shit. No flamboyant shit. Those behaviors are the worst instigators of an immense amount of self-hatred that straight-acting gay dudes like him and I have. Honestly you have to consider the possibility that you aren't the right match for him. At least personally, if I thought a boyfriend was "too gay" (no offense) then that would be a deal breaker and really is the biggest turnoff I can think of. His way he worded things when breaking up may have been conciliatory and an attempt not to hurt your feelings. I would have handled it similarly. However, texting you that he misses you is what I don't understand. If I were to break up with a dude, the decision would be final and I would never, ever do something like that afterward. So maybe his reason for the breakup was genuine and he was being honest about what he said. I realize I'm kind of contradicting myself here and I apologize if it's an unhelpful response. Just trying to put myself in his shoes because the way you described him resonated with my own life a bit. Whatever the case though, it sounds like you guys are both dissatisfied with the way things ended and I think the best choice for you both is to have a straightforward conversation about it in person.
That's really difficult to be with someone who feels unworthy to be in a relationship. "Oh so they're so much hotter / smarter / whatever than me." I've felt that way in relationships in the past and had one partner feel that way with me. Sometimes telling the person "I like you for you" just isn't enough.
