I want to kiss him

[goratrix]

Originally Posted by confusedkid

*speaks from personal experience* Believe me, don't push him away, just go with it. And my experience was in public...

-CK

Hmmm, I sense a story I should very much like to read....

[joeyconnick]

Originally Posted by confusedkid

*speaks from personal experience* Believe me, don't push him away, just go with it. And my experience was in public...

-CK

Spill!

[hawkeye]

i sure hope i take the advise when the time comes, but until then, i'd also like to hear the story!

[Kinuki]

Originally Posted by hawkeye

First of all, hi!
I'd like to reinforce the fact that not having a girlfriend is not a trustworthy sign at all. I have a cousin who is turning 19, and got his first and only girlfriend last summer, and only stayed with her for 3 weeks or so. I still dont doubt that he's straight, its just that he doesnt have that personality to be tied to someone. His brother is exactly the same way, he's my age, and probably will resist getting a girlfriend till he's 20.

I'd approach this by bringing up something relating to gays with him. If he is gay, and knows that you are open to the idea, It'd be much easier for him to tell you. Also, if he is open to the idea, if you told him, you could probably be able to figure out if he is or not. The only way you'd be able to kiss him is if he A) knows that you like guys and B) is out and open with you. Like i said earlier, if a guy just kissed me, I'd probably push him away, more than likely not because i wouldn't like it, but because I'm not used to it. If i did know a guy that is open about being gay, and he knew that I am too, I dont think it'd be nearly as big of a problem.

Also, one thing that has become apparent to me recently, it seems that straight guys trust each other a lot. They trust each other not only for advise and help, but they also trust each other that no matter what happens or gets done, they dont have to worry about a guy liking them. So, for example, lets say that my friend is straight, he feels like he can dry hump and walk around naked all he wants, and it wont matter. It wouldnt matter because he trusts that i wont make a move on him. Now, even though I would like to sometimes, I wont. but knowing that someone wont do something just doesnt hold enough trust for some people. So basicly, dont make a move unless you know he wont feel awkward acting natural around you afterwards.

Also, joey, You can be a republican without being able to vote. Its a point of view and an endorsement. I just cant vote yet.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Yeah, I noticed that trust too, and that's something that keeps me from coming out once I do decide what I am. I mean, my friends feel comfortable around me all the time because they assume I'm straight; I mean, I joke around that I'll plan my friend's bachelor party for him, and we just laugh about it and such. But I'm afraid that if I come out, he'll feel awkward around me, expecially in a situation like that. I mean, whether I'm attracted to a woman or not shouldn't dictate me spending time hanging out with him, should it?

Instead of bringing something up about gays with my other friend, since he's shy and quiet, I'm thinking if I came out to him eventually, then that might act as a catalyst for him if he is gay/bi and let me know for certain.

But now I need some more advice, not relating to this in particular, but still very important.

You see, I have an online friend, who I'll refer to by her pesudonym "Aqua." I've known her for about half a year, and we're really good friends. I met her through another close friend of mine, since they were dating. Now, she lives in Canada, about 12 hours away from me. We were thinking of pooling our money together so she could come down to visit us (all of our friends) and stay for like a week. I was hoping to figure things out by then, and if need be, come out to her while she was here. But now, they've broken up, and she says there's no reason to come down here anymore, even though she likes us all as friends. So basically, the only person I trusted to be able to tell has been cut off, since telling her through a messenger just doesn't seem plausible to me.

Normally this wouldn't seem like such a big deal i suppose, but none of my other friends did I trust as much as her to help me through everything. And now I don't have that support anymore. It's starting to make things worse. I took a knife and cut my hand. It wasn't big, or deep. It was a very shallow cut. But the fact remains I did it. I'm starting to become afraid of myself.

So now I have no one to help me if I needed it, and I did something bad. I feel like Life just fucked around with me again. I'm in dire need of guidance. I feel like I'm stumbling around blindly in the dark.

[confusedkid]

Wow... please don't hurt yourself again. My friend was a cutter and her situation was not good. I would suggest that you talk to someone, a school counselor, help line or, lastly, us. But just FYI, remember check your Private Messages (up in the corner).

-CK

[confusedkid]

Ok, since sooo many people were interested in the story (even though it's not too terribly interesting)...

Ok, so, a few weeks ago at Capital Pride (the pride parade here in DC) I went and joined up with a few friends in DuPont Circle (a neighborhood in Washington, locally known as the center of the gay universe in the the District). And so yeah, while we were there, we were drinking (straight rum and vodka and sprite, for those who are interested lol), but my friends had been drinking long before I got there. Anyway, we're having a good time (the drag Queens loved me... I got sooo many beads... ) but yeah, my one friend turns around and just starts to make out with me! At first thought, I wanted to push him away but I didn't for a good bit. Meanwhile, a bunch of people around us started hooting and hollering and stuff, which was mildly embarrassing but whatever. So yeah, that went on for a little bit, until I remembered that my friend's boyfriend was standing, like, uhhh right there. So that was the end of that, purely out of respect for their relationship... But yeah, had he not been attached already I would've gone with it... and presently I know of someone I wish I could do that too right now...

-CK

[joeyconnick]

Originally Posted by confusedkid

Ok, since sooo many people were interested in the story (even though it's not too terribly interesting)...

Ok, so, a few weeks ago at Capital Pride (the pride parade here in DC) I went and joined up with a few friends in DuPont Circle (a neighborhood in Washington, locally known as the center of the gay universe in the the District). And so yeah, while we were there, we were drinking (straight rum and vodka and sprite, for those who are interested lol), but my friends had been drinking long before I got there. Anyway, we're having a good time (the drag Queens loved me... I got sooo many beads... ) but yeah, my one friend turns around and just starts to make out with me! At first thought, I wanted to push him away but I didn't for a good bit. Meanwhile, a bunch of people around us started hooting and hollering and stuff, which was mildly embarrassing but whatever. So yeah, that went on for a little bit, until I remembered that my friend's boyfriend was standing, like, uhhh right there. So that was the end of that, purely out of respect for their relationship... But yeah, had he not been attached already I would've gone with it... and presently I know of someone I wish I could do that too right now...

-CK

Wow... cool story. Well except for the fact of him being attached to someone else.

Still, definitely a nice anecdote.

[nisomer]

Originally Posted by Kinuki

Normally this wouldn't seem like such a big deal i suppose, but none of my other friends did I trust as much as her to help me through everything. And now I don't have that support anymore. It's starting to make things worse. I took a knife and cut my hand. It wasn't big, or deep. It was a very shallow cut. But the fact remains I did it. I'm starting to become afraid of myself.

So now I have no one to help me if I needed it, and I did something bad. I feel like Life just fucked around with me again. I'm in dire need of guidance. I feel like I'm stumbling around blindly in the dark.

Yeah I agree with CK, you need to find someone to talk to...anyone. It may not seem bad first, but it will get worse when you do it more often. And although it probably feels good during the moment when you do hurt yourself like that, it is a very bad way to relieve yourself from other pains or emotions that you have. Please, I urge not to try it anymore. If you ever need someone to talk to, we are all here.

[goratrix]

Originally Posted by Kinuki

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Yeah, I noticed that trust too, and that's something that keeps me from coming out once I do decide what I am. I mean, my friends feel comfortable around me all the time because they assume I'm straight; I mean, I joke around that I'll plan my friend's bachelor party for him, and we just laugh about it and such. But I'm afraid that if I come out, he'll feel awkward around me, expecially in a situation like that. I mean, whether I'm attracted to a woman or not shouldn't dictate me spending time hanging out with him, should it?

Ok, I feel that embedded answers are in place now. I have a friend, I came out to him and I noticed he wasn't all ok with it. I let time pass and I still felt I made him uneasy... once I asked him in person, and he changed the subject (which was a clear sign that I still made hin uneasy), so I let it go by.

Just a few days ago I found him online and we started talking about stuff and I made a comment about being gay and he said 'that still sounds odd'. So I asked once again, and this time I didn't let it go by. We had a nice conversation about the issue, and well... now we are both working on overcoming this obstacle.

Then again, some of my other friends know, and couldn't care less... they still act as they did before they knew... so... just take it for what it is: personal experience... do what you will.

Originally Posted by Kinuki

But now I need some more advice, not relating to this in particular, but still very important.

You see, I have an online friend, who I'll refer to by her pesudonym "Aqua." I've known her for about half a year, and we're really good friends. I met her through another close friend of mine, since they were dating. Now, she lives in Canada, about 12 hours away from me. We were thinking of pooling our money together so she could come down to visit us (all of our friends) and stay for like a week. I was hoping to figure things out by then, and if need be, come out to her while she was here. But now, they've broken up, and she says there's no reason to come down here anymore, even though she likes us all as friends. So basically, the only person I trusted to be able to tell has been cut off, since telling her through a messenger just doesn't seem plausible to me.

Coming out to friends that live abroad is not easy. I had to do it over MSN with two. It wasn't pretty, and I felt like I was hiding behind MSN. I did it that way for many reasons, but the main one was that they live 12 hours away, and it's not a jurney I can easyly make...

So you should consider coming out to her over MSN, or perhaps even by email (if you surf the forum a little you'll find a letter that was very moving, a guy that came out to his parents with that letter)

Originally Posted by Kinuki

Normally this wouldn't seem like such a big deal i suppose, but none of my other friends did I trust as much as her to help me through everything. And now I don't have that support anymore. It's starting to make things worse. I took a knife and cut my hand. It wasn't big, or deep. It was a very shallow cut. But the fact remains I did it. I'm starting to become afraid of myself.

So now I have no one to help me if I needed it, and I did something bad. I feel like Life just fucked around with me again. I'm in dire need of guidance. I feel like I'm stumbling around blindly in the dark.

I've never actually done anything, though I toyed with the idea... those countless nights while driving that I would just wonder... and what If I just drove into that wall at 130Km/h... or what If I just grab this sword and put it through my heart... Samurai used to do it, it's an honorable death.

Still, when I started to actually consider doing any of this I saw it as a warning. I came out to LM and from there on, with all my other come outs, my life has improved quiet a bit.... except for that damn AC that still roams mi soul....

So perhaps coming out will help you, and perhaps, and I say this with all the kindness left in my heart, you should ask for help...

[Kinuki]

Well, there's two problems with going to a psychologoist or seeking help and getting a diagnosis of depression. The first is that I'd have to get a ride and have my pwarents pay for the screening, which would invariably bring up awkard questions, and also blow the cover I've carefully constructed and maintained for the past year or two of being happy and carefree (even if my grades show otherwise.) Secondly, I'm afraid of the psychologist/doctor I see telling the results and how I answered to some questions to my parents. That last thing I want is for them to know what I'm feeling at this moment. I don't want to have to confront them about any issues I may be dealing with until I'm ready.

Here's an update for those who are following this and want to know.

After coercing her for days and days with the help of her ex-boyfriend and my other friend, we have convinced ehr to cme down and visit us anyways. The catch. It's sooner than i'd expected. A LOT sooner. We're talking in less than one month she'd be coming down.

Now, I don't know about other people here, but I doubt I can get to where I need to be emotionally and mentally in time for her arrival. And at $300-$400 for this trip, I dn't know if she'd be coming down again for a long while afterwards; depending on how tight money is for her, it may be more than a year or two before she's able to come down again.

Well, I'll be thinking this over as fast as I can. confusedkid, I'll be talking to you soemtime tonight, I promise.

Please excuse any bad grammar or spelling mistakes; I'm typing this as fast as I can because I have to close it soon. ^^;

[nisomer]

Originally Posted by Kinuki

Well, there's two problems with going to a psychologoist or seeking help and getting a diagnosis of depression. The first is that I'd have to get a ride and have my pwarents pay for the screening, which would invariably bring up awkard questions, and also blow the cover I've carefully constructed and maintained for the past year or two of being happy and carefree (even if my grades show otherwise.) Secondly, I'm afraid of the psychologist/doctor I see telling the results and how I answered to some questions to my parents. That last thing I want is for them to know what I'm feeling at this moment. I don't want to have to confront them about any issues I may be dealing with until I'm ready.

I see your point. Not having a car could be a problem, but still, just try to find someone to talk to. Doesn't have to be a specialist at all. Just having a person that you can tell your feelings to can be very helpful. And maybe you can get some more help through this person.

[confusedkid]

Originally Posted by Kinuki

Well, there's two problems with going to a psychologoist or seeking help and getting a diagnosis of depression. The first is that I'd have to get a ride and have my pwarents pay for the screening, which would invariably bring up awkard questions, and also blow the cover I've carefully constructed and maintained for the past year or two of being happy and carefree (even if my grades show otherwise.)

That may be a problem... I don't know where you live, but many larger metropolitan areas have free clinics where you don't need insurance or anything like that. And then there's always the toll-free lines...

Originally Posted by Kinuki

Secondly, I'm afraid of the psychologist/doctor I see telling the results and how I answered to some questions to my parents. That last thing I want is for them to know what I'm feeling at this moment. I don't want to have to confront them about any issues I may be dealing with until I'm ready.

Psychologists and psychiatrists (and any doctor for that matter) are bound by the same laws ragarding patient privacy. No person you go and talk to will tell your parents ANYTHING about what you have told a healthcare professional. The only way a psychiatrist/psychologist/doctor can break this confidentiality is A) if the professional believes you are in immediate danger of harming eitehr yourself or others, B) if the professional suspects child abuse, either now or in the past, C) if they are served with a valid court subpoena for your medical records, and lastly, D) if you give your parents permission to review your medical records. Other than that, you're safe. Just because you may be under 18 doesn't mean that you can't be able to have confidential health services.

I hope you're doing better. Contact me whenenver you want if you would like to talk!

-CK

[goratrix]

You know... I was going to say the doctor-patien privacy thing, but then... once, long ago, my brother went to a psychologist and this psychologist told my mother almost everything my brother told him, totally violating his works ethics. Now, I'm not saying this is the case, I've been to a few psychologists, and they never broke that trust... but I'm just saying it happens... so I can see why it would be an issue for you to do that...

BTW: I'm writing in a text-based browser... this site isn't exactly friendly, but hey... I'll have to learn to live with it... XD
I am halfway through KDE install on Gentoo... and it's taking AGES... I still have somewhat 45 ebuilds to finish... XD

Originally Posted by goratrix

Ok, I have a small problem. When (and that's only WHEN) I get something in my mind... I can't get it out. and I end up doing it.

So... I was talking on the phone with LM the other day, and she was telling me about her problems and all that... and something just occured to me. What would AC do if I just walked up to him one day and passionately kiss him.

So... I asked a few of my friends (the ones I'm out to) what would they do if they were in AC's place. Like... how would they react. They all agreed that the outcome was quiet impossible to foresee... but some of them (most actually) suggested I should try.

Now... every fiber of my body wants to do it... but my brain (that is actually the most powerful part of my being) knows that I shouldn't... and I don't know how long my brain will stay in control...

Anyway... I fear that eventually I'll do it... and loose him forever, as a friend and as everything. Not to mention the risk of loosing TKD itself, which would probably be close the losing my life...

any input.

I think I'll be able to hold my back for a while... and hopefully it'll go away in a few days... but I don't think so... :'(

I totally hear you....same situation (kind of)....in science class the other day...my crush Justin was sitting in front of me on stool...i was leaning on the bench right behind him...the teacher was too busy with her little science toys to notice i was out of my place...anyway totally unexpected he fell back but there wasn't much space between me and where he fell off the stool and he landed lying on chest (we're not on the floor cuz i was leaning against a bench) anyway i was totally over him before that for about a month...but all in one moment it changed....love found it's way back to me...which isn't exactly a good thing...i love him to death...but he's straight...i dont know this for a fact but i'm not about to ask him if he's gay (he doesn't know i am)...anyway so he fell back and the heat from his body emitted onto mine...and i dunno why but every feeling i ever had for him came rushing back into me...now keep in mind now i wasn't sexually aroused...just it was such a romantic position (not in a oh-f*ck-me kinda way) that i made a move to kiss him ...but stopped myself...he never noticed a thing (he had his back to me)...i'm sorta thankful...that no one noticed....but it kills me to love him so much and he'll never know it...at least not yet...it's just the worst situation ever and my heart bleeds for you goratrix...(even if it is from a 14 year old lol)

[ok455]

I always get like that i was play fighting with this boy and i just wanted to slam aganst the wall and make out with him.

i just try to fight it

Originally Posted by ok455

i just try to fight it

i think that this is something every gay teen struggles with...it might not be fair:icon_cry: ...but as ok455 said...you just gotta fight it...some people go for it and for that i admire them for their courage and just totally going for it...you have a choice...but the second of them could seriously cause some problems...