Let it Out!

Alrighty guys, this will be a pretty long one. I had written a thread in the Support & Advice section, and I listened to a lot of what people had to say. The original post is here:


In the last two months.. I've done a lot it seems.


I came out..

I met this guy named Ian, which was a total bust. He was, frankly, a whore, a slut, a druggie, a moron, an idiot, and everything that I am not. He was a very bad choice of boyfriends, especially when he was the first one in awhile. I thankfully never did anything sexual with him, but he did do me some justice. He gave me the courage to come out, and I thank him for that everyday, to myself. I broke up with him after 5 days..

I met this guy named Jason. Things were good for a few weeks, but he lived too far. He was sort of too young for me anyways. I was always the one driving. Honestly, it was just too much literal effort for me to keep the relationship going. We mutually decided to break up.


During this entire time, I've become pretty good friends with this guy named Eric. He is a foreign exchange student at my school, and is in my AP Physics B class. He is everything that I have ever looked for in a guy, and the more time we spend together the more I legitamently fall in love with him. I told him that I was gay, anticipating that he would accept it because he is from Europe, and he did, thankfully. Although, he hasn't been a jerk and made it "clear" that he is straight, but he is. He's not a jerk to be like "dude, im straight". But, I do make fun of him and we make jokes about things. He has this jacket from Puma that has sort of "rainbow" stripes on the sleeves and I told him that's his gay jacket, and he said "noooo.. haha". He's fun, and I love him a lot. But, he's straight, of course..

Generally, I am just stuck between a rock and a hard place. I really did like Ian, and he was great except for all of the bad stuff. Jason was okay, but a very unfulfilling relationship. I'm not looking for sex at all, instead I really want a legitament relationship where sex doesn't have to be prevalent. Most couples my age wait months before they have sex.. and why can't it be like that for gay boys? Oh wait.. most of them are sluts! As so sad and obnoxious as it is to say, it is most definately true. Here at EC though, I'm thankful to find that most of the guys are not. Thank god. But really, my whole point is that I'm starting to feel like I always have to have a guy there.. and I feel myself getting sort of desperate at times, wanting to just date someone. I just don't know what to do, and it's very frustrating. No matter how much I tell myself no, my thoughts and feelings for Eric continue to grow. When he moves back to Germany at the end of the school year.. I'm going to have a meltdown..and cry a lot. Any advice?


Specically, the comments were about Eric; everything else seems of little importance when we're talking about my crushed feelings concerning a straight boy.. but, yea. Randomly, even though I see Eric everyday, we started e-mailing eachother, and I took the opportunity to "joke around". Because Eric is from Germany, he wrote me a very short e-mail in germany, which i later translated into involving something gay "shwuler".. but I don't mind, we joke around a lot about it. But, in that same e-mail, I said "Eric I love you". Very short and simple, and cut and dry, but that is what I said. He wrote me back an e-mail, which I read today, that said "Well, too bad you're gay i'm not ". I took it lightly, because Eric is not at all vindictive or mean about the fact that I am gay, he's more accepting than others. So, it dawned on me after a few moments how his e-mail made me feel. It made me happy, it made me sad, confused, frustrated, anxious.. and a lot of other things. So.. I decided that I should once and for all lay it out for Eric, in a nice loving way of course, therefore I wrote him another e-mail. It said this:


Just because you aren't gay doesn't mean I can't love you, and the same goes for you. You've been a really good friend to me Eric, and I can't thank you enough really. You are what I needed this year to keep me focused. I mean, you don't really know my history, but I wasn't gay until this year.

Not gonna lie.. I had a crush on you. Awww, yea I know. Anyways.. I'd much rather have you as my close friend and have you in my life than to push you away and not have you at all. I really wanna cry right now, but I'm not gonna.. because I can't. Eric, I do love you a lot, but as a friend. I hope that you can accept this, and I hope that maybe one day you'll see that I try very hard to be a good friend to you as well.

When you leave for Germany at the end of the year, I'm gonna cry, just letting you know now. I always think about you Eric and.. if you ever just need someone to talk to sometime, I'm definately your guy. After all.. I hear I give pretty good advice.


I am very eager to read what Eric has to say, because I do think that he will understand and appreciate it. I anticipate that he would be very happy that I came out and said some thing specifically. I believe that our relationship will only get stronger, and by no means will our relationship be weakend by this bold, in my opinion , move.

Any comments, questions, concerns? Love ya guys!

 

Hehe, really, it took a lot out of me emotionally. I wasn't expecting to do it anytime soon.. but, I did it. He hasn't replied yet, but he doesn't check his e-mail that much. I will see him tomorrow though.

 

Lol, that's not a sign! Or is it?

 

I feel like that more often than not. That is one reason why I could not continue on the path I was going, and thus possibly allow an opportunity for our friendship to be ruined. I think I did the right thing, and I believe that he will too.