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Is lack of intelligence a deal breaker in a relationship?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by QueerTransEnby, Feb 3, 2015.

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Is lack of intelligence or lower intelligence a deal breaker in a relationship?

Poll closed Apr 4, 2015.
  1. Yes

    53 vote(s)
    54.1%
  2. Maybe

    23 vote(s)
    23.5%
  3. No

    16 vote(s)
    16.3%
  4. Not sure

    6 vote(s)
    6.1%
  1. QueerTransEnby

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    Okay, so I met a guy on an online dating app. We have talked on the phone about 10 times throughout the last week and a half. He is funny, warm, open, values family, and is low maintenance.

    Yet, when we have talked before, there have been some things that caused me to pause. He is 31 and doesn't know the area in quite a few spots despite living here since the age of 7. He didn't realize the reason for a snow emergency after a snowfall, which is of course so they could plow. He said that the state police were coming down the street to warn people they would be getting tickets if they didn't move their cars due to the chief being mean. While I certainly knew, that he was referring to his city police.

    All of these together show that he is slightly below intelligence.

    Is lack of intelligence or lower intelligence a deal breaker in a relationship?

    What would you do? Is it too elitist of me to say this is a big deal and cause to end the relationship even though we haven't gone out on an official date yet? How do you break this news to somebody?

    ---------- Post added 3rd Feb 2015 at 03:27 AM ----------

    To add, he did graduate from high school but did not go to college or community college.

    A big plus with me is that he is a Christian. We are both unemployed and rather thrifty. What I mean is other than being a college graduate, there isn't a power struggle.
     
  2. Mischief

    Mischief Guest

    Absolutely. If I can't have a serious, intelligent conversation with someone I can't handle it. But a lot of my humour involves intelligence, so I absolutely hate it when someone doesn't understand it and I have to explain the joke or the story. It also feels as though there is a kind of... disconnection between the two people with such different levels of intelligence.

    That sounds very elitist of me, but I feel as though I can't exactly have close relationships with someone who doesn't get my humour.
     
  3. Argentwing

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    Depends on how big the gap is. If somebody is slightly smarter or less capable* (I don't want to say "dumber" because they are likely better at some things) than it can be overcome. But if one person is considerably smarter than the other, they would have a hard time connecting.

    I went out with a girl once who was so sweet and liked me a lot, but honestly, she was dumb as a brick. It just wouldn't have worked because our common ground was so minimal. I'm pretty sure she tried to hide her simple nature for my sake. I sort of felt bad because she was cute and kind and nearly everything else I find attractive, except for her non-intellectual tendencies.
     
    #3 Argentwing, Feb 3, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2015
  4. White Knight

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    Nah. Not a deal breaker...

    Going with your example, are those things because he lacks intelligence or he simply doesn't care about that kind of things...

    On the other hand what you did in here is a deal breaker for me... if I learn my "soon to be" boyfriend pulling this kind of tricks behind my back, asking question which he should be asking me... sharing something personal with people I don't even know they are exist... It would make me feel ashamed, hurt and betrayed... That would be not only a deal breaker, also would be a reason for me to hate that guy passionately.

    Just trying to point irony of the situation and not blaming/implying anything.
     
  5. QueerTransEnby

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    Wow, harsh. This is anonymous forum. I thought this forum was about bouncing ideas off of fellow members. I haven't had a relationship before(outside of an fwb relationship). I am new to this.
     
  6. kageshiro

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    No offense but these sound like largely irrelevant and minor things to judge his whole intellectual capacity with. Someone who's been around for 30+ years is guaranteed to be knowledgeable in at least 1 area you aren't and vice versa. People just take interest in different subjects and we all have our own unique sets of strengths and weaknesses. Regardless of intelligence someone can have plenty of other qualities that are just as much or even more important in a relationship for example Loyalty, stability, sensitivity, kindness or honesty. The only time lack of intelligence really bothers me is when it borders on ignorance other than that I think it's usually harmless. Though for a partner I would prefer someone who's pretty much on the same page as me
     
  7. CJliving

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    I actually thought that your post sounded like it didn't matter that much to you, the other qualities you mentioned seemed to be more important to you...

    But for me, it's a major deal breaker. I don't necessarily care about level of education, but intelligence is a must. It's even a must amoungst my friends, that's how big a deal it is to me. If I can't have a decent, well-thought out, and interesting conversation with someone...well what's the point?
     
  8. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Biguy8, there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you asked, and I completely disagree with White Knight.

    There are many factors that go into a successful relationship, and the particular combination will be different for each person.

    If you value conversation, connection, and ability to share interests and talk meaningfully with your partner, then intelligence is a very important part of the relationship. I would go so far as to say that intelligence that's at least in the same general vicinity is probably pretty crucial for any relationship to be emotionally healthy and wholehearted, because communication is so crucial to a wholehearted relationship. It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

    I do think there are people that have relationships that are based entirely on physical attributes, activities, and other non-intellectual pursuits, so for people where that's all they're after, then matching intelligence wouldn't be so important. But I'd also argue that those relationships aren't really the sort of emotionally deep and intimate connections that one would find in an ideal healthy relationship.
     
  9. White Knight

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    Sorry if it came out harsh. Like I said I was trying to point out the irony of situation. Everyone has their kind of unacceptables in a relationship.

    Not everyone would feel that offended with this kind of sharing but I would. I can see why you are doing it as well, you are just trying to figure out where to go from there... been there done that. When you have those feelings bubbling inside of you it is hard to contain excitement, happiness.

    You could ask your question, however relating it to real life examples about someone you know very closely and care, probably not a good idea. This is why many people start with "I have a friend..." :grin:

    Hope didn't offend you. Just wanted to make you see how this can hurt other people. (*hug*):kiss:
     
  10. gravechild

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    It's not everything, but I'd prefer someone who was around my level, was open to learning new things and expanding their world view, debating/discussing various topics, and generally balanced.

    Oh, and it might sound controversial, but I think choosing someone for their personality or intelligence alone is just as shallow as doing it for their looks, career, or sexual standards. Not that it's always a bad thing!
     
  11. Quem

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    I don't get why you conclude this. I don't know many spots of my city either, simply because it's quite large and it's completely uninteresting to me.

    About the other things.. Sure, he could have known, but he might not care. Not knowing those things doesn't suggest he is slightly below intelligence. =)

    -

    In general, it's not a real deal breaker, but I do prefer my partner to be understanding (and luckily my boyfriend is definitely very understanding :icon_bigg ). He shows interest in the things I do, and is willing to learn more about it. That's what matters most to me. :icon_bigg
     
  12. QueerTransEnby

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    Thanks, WhiteKnight. It is a tough spot because I haven't ever been told that I was "cute" before and that someone liked my voice. I haven't had sex in 12 years, so I don't know if these strong feelings and urges when I talk to him are just about the desire for sex or true romantic feelings. We both have admitted that we have gotten "excited" when talking to each other.
     
  13. Filip

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    Honestly, I think it's quite allright to ask such kind of questions frankly. Even when you're in a relationship with someone for a very, very long time, there is nothing wrong with occasionally getting input from others.

    Also, phrasing it as "I have a hypothetical friend, who may, hypothetically, be of below-average IQ. Do you think he would be dating material if a gay guy were to run in on an app, hypothetically?" is not going to fool any of us anyway :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    On to the matter at hand: I do think lack of intelligence can be a dealbreaker. In my experience, you spend most of the time in a relationship discussing things and talking and hanging out, so if you run out of things to say or if you're talking on different levels, then that can kill it. In that way, it's very much the same as a lack of common interests.

    Does the above prove he's of less than average intelligence? That is kind of hard to tell. Intelligence is hard to measure anyway.
    I can honestly not tell you more than the names of two or three streats in my hometown where I lived for 25 years (in fact, I found out last year there is a whole suburb I never knew the existence of). I can't wrap my head about how football is played even with people explaining me 10 or 15 times. And I can be kind of daft when it comes to very practical matters such as remembering which way a screwdriver has t oturn when tightening a screw.
    On the other hand, I can calculate integrals in my head, keep you occupied with trivia on many a subject, and remember specific lines from books I read 15 years ago, complete with every thought I have ever had on that specific line.
    So to someone asking for specific directions in my hometown, I'll come across as a clueless idiot. to people wanting to discuss books, I may come across as well-read.

    Not saying this guy is secretly super-smart. you talked to him more than us, so you should have an impression by now. And if you're having serious doubts this early... it is probably not the best of signs.
     
  14. White Knight

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    No worries. Hope he can be the one for you. You are a very sweet guy and deserve happiness.

    From your posts I know you are currently on could nine with raining with cupid's arrows. This guy makes you happy, you make him happy... at least it is what I get from your posts. So just ignore your whims and follow your hearts. Sometimes it is harder to let ourselves give in to love than finding one. (*hug*)
     
  15. happydavid

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    Yes but with me it's my lack of intelligence.
     
  16. Browncoat

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    Only if by "lack of intelligence" you mean "inability to realize that the definition of 'intelligence' is so broad as to render this question moot."
     
  17. Yosia

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    I can tolerate silly little 'blonde' moments as I get these too, however if someone is genuinely stupid then I couldn't be in a relationship with them.
     
  18. MyLittleWorld

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    Yes and no.
    The Nine Types of Intelligence
    If you type of intelligence doesn't match your partner's type, it will probably be a huge deal breaker because it would be really hard to communicate. I think there are no stupid people, it's just doesn't 'stick'.
     
  19. robclem21

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    I don't think its necessarily fair to judge his "intelligence" on the fact that he's only completed high school. I mean there are some pretty smart people that are very intelligent and successful who never had a formal education beyond high school. That being said, I can see where you are coming from in that it can be frustrating for seemingly normal people to lack "life experience" and knowledge of some pretty routine things.

    For me it isn't so much about intelligence as a general understanding of how things life in work. I don't like having to explain every little thing to people and treat them like a kid who's experiencing things for the first time. While it is always nice to converse with someone who can appreciate all the details of what you are saying, it isn't necessarily a deal breaker for me if someone isn't the most intelligent person. It is however, a big plus if someone can follow along with my train of thought (which generally runs along some crooked tracks)
     
  20. BryanM

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    I'm not saying you have to be of the same intelligence as me, but I'd like someone who is mature enough to not be a complete idiot. I know many people who are actually intelligent but choose not to use it, and I think that's a bit different than just lacking it completely. I want to have someone I can have intelligent conversations with on a vast array of subjects. So I guess the answer is yes for me. I also know that intelligence is measured in a vast quantity of ways.