Prejudice and Relationships

How would you react if a cisgender individual used a slur or attacked your identity or expression in the heat of the moment?
Depends on why it was said. If it just slips out, due to anger or stupidity, that's one thing. But if somebody says something like this, with the intent to incite a response, that is another.

If it's the former, this is somewhat easy. I'd be a little sucker punched about it, but then I'd realize, things are said in anger or frustration. It happens. However, I'd want to eventually resolve this problem. That may require both parties taking some alone time, to settle down, and get into a clearer mindset. I would be curious why such material came out, but I wouldn't hold it against them.

If it's the latter, this is a little more complex. For one, I'd be more than a little flustered that they were, intentionally, trying to make me feel some type of way. That's just spitefulness -- emotional immaturity and juvenile idiocy. I'd definitely want to discuss that, but later on, after both parties have had time to calm down. If we can discuss it, great, surely we'll do something. If we cannot, well, maybe this is a sign that, if not this, something else would have driven a wedge between us.

The answers remain the same, lover or friend. Though in the case of a lover, if this all came out quite a while into the relationship, there would be more talking and thinking to do, of course. Same goes with a friend and the longevity of our knowing each other.


Would it be possible for you to rebuild trust with them?
Yes.

If we got to the bottom of what happened/was said, surely, we can get back to where we were.


Would you even make the effort? Or would you immediately cut ties?
If we worked something out, I would make the effort. I'd only cut ties if it was incapable of being salvaged.

 

I would be able to forgive, but never forget. I mean it's heated argument, and people say stupid things.

Having said that, I know that certain racial slurs are more offensive than others due to their history of usage as being very oppressive. This might be why I have a more merciful view of such a reaction, as slurs used against Asian folks might not have such an oppressive history as other slurs used against those of other races. Also I'm not familiar with racial slurs against Asian folks, so perhaps this is a good time to brush up on those for awareness' sake, lol.

I think the slurs that would annoy me the most (which happen to used in the gay community too) are potato queens and rice queens. No, just because I'm dating an Asian guy doesn't make me a rice queen, and just because I'm dating a white guy doesn't make me a potato queen -_-

Using racial slurs would make me question how the individual perceives people of other races too, and that worries me, because racism is something that I cannot condone.

This incident alone is not worthy of breaking ties from them. Probably worth taking a break from them, depending on the other things that occurred during the argument.

 

I'd much rather someone call me a sissy/fairy/f*g (see, I can't even say it!) over being called a horrible person, a rude person, or a bad person.

To me, my sexuality isn't who I strive to be. I don't strive to be a not-so-masculine gay. I strive to be the best person I can be. I strive to be the nicest, most thoughtful person I can. So I could handle being called a really nasty gay-related slur much better than being called something that tried to hurt the type of person I am.

 

When Jonah Hill called a paparazzi a faggot and then publically apologized, I remember thinking, if that's the go-to word he uses to insult someone who's making him mad, his apology means nothing to me. I'm Jewish and if someone ever called me 'Jude' or anything else, I would not be able to convince myself that that person doesn't deep down believe in what they said.

 

If somebody insulted my ethnicity and my heritage, I may or may not continue the relationship. It all depends on how apologetic they were. People's true feelings come out during an argument, so if you say derogatory terms towards my ethnicity during an argument, that means you have many racist beliefs. However, racism is something that is entrenched in society and people may not always realize that they are a bit racist, because racism is so subtle sometimes. Additionally, it is hard to open up your mind when society has constantly pushed racist ideology onto us. Because of that, I think I would be able to forgive someone for saying something derogatory during a heated fight only if they profusely apologize and were willing to analyze their beliefs and be more open minded.

 

Honestly, I think I'd be more mad at the fact that my partner said something specifically to hurt me. Doesn't matter if it's a racial, sexual whatever slur. That I can get over. Somebody I love trying to inflict emotional pain on me? Cruel and traitorous. Anyone who does this better be falling over themselves apologizing because it is simply foul behavior.

 

I think I'd be able to forgive and move on. It really depends though on what is said. I'm sure there is some things that could make one reconsider the relationship. But, people will say things like "God you're so stupid!" in an argument or something like that, but do they really believe that? If someone take everything the other person says literally in a "heated argument," relationships wouldn't last long! A racial slur based off a racial stereotype to me is the least insulting thing that can be said.... It's not even personal. I'd rather be called something racist than have a direct insult to my person. And I answer this even though I'm not a so called minority because racism can be directed at any group.

 

Race/ethnicity- I'm not sure what the other guy could call me that would upset me. Ive never been called a racial slur, so I can't tell how I'd feel. If it's a heat-of-the-moment situation, I might forgive him if everything else shows that it was a product of their upbringing and an honest mistake. As an example, my trailer trash side of the family uses the n-word often. My cousin from that family grew up hearing the word and uses it to describe "bad" folks of that race, but he is also dating a black girl and it's the best relationship he's ever had. I doubt he's actually racist. In an argument, he could potentially let the word slip out, but it would be moreso because of how ingrained the word is from childhood than actual malice. Still, it would do irreparable harm to the one who would hear it, especially if it's his girlfriend.

As for the gender minorities, while I am not one, I'd always fear hurting a transman if I were to ever date one. Something as simple as saying "'real' man" could shatter the relationshp. I'm not sure I could ever forgive myself in that situation if I were in my partner's shoes.

 

I'd be able to forgive them, though it would take me a long time but I wouldn't forget it. I understand heated arguments well but to stoop that low is unnecessary but it also gives some insight to how they really feel and what kind of a person they truly are when they're upset. If it happened a second time though, I'd leave.

 

I couldn't say it better than Kaiser. Although I will add my input as a trans guy.

How would you react if a cisgender individual used a slur or attacked your identity or expression in the heat of the moment?

It's already happened with a friend. Oh, I meant ex-friend. I would probably blow up in rage and be unable to continue being objective. I would try to mend things if it's a long-term friendship. I wouldn't forgive it a second time though.

My answer is more complicated when it comes to partners. Although I'd do a better job of holding my anger back. I'd want to know why my partner attacked my weakest point. I could forgive and forget, if I witnessed genuine remorse. I agree with whoever said it depends on what the argument was about. I'd probably give the relationship another go... under the condition that I help my partner work through their fears and they show improvement.

One of my ex girlfriends would often say I'm not a real man because I can't or won't do something. Although nowadays I can say with confidence that I'd drop such a person like a hot potato.

My last ex still thought of me as a guy even when we argued. Including when she talked to her friends. She was cool with my bisexuality and actually encouraged me to accept it as a part of myself.

In my anecdotal experience, partners can be terribly concerned about accidentally hurting feelings. To the extent that they're too nervous to ask which words to use to describe my body. Or they say 'dude' way more than is necessary. And need to be told several times that it's okay to touch my junk. Although I do appreciate this level of concern.

 

I don't know. I think it depends on the person who says it. Like if it's one of my very close friend... I'd need time, i think, to forgive that person. But i'm very very attached to my friends and losing one of them because of that, i'm not sure it's possible.
This is more concerning the gender identity than my sexuality, because concerning my sexuality i don't care if someone uses strong words and insults. I'd be like "yeah, it's me you're talking about." Maybe it sounds like i'm a big mouth, but maybe i do.
I can't imagine concerning lovers... But once again, i think i'll be very attached to them (i'm very attached to everyone so...) and i'd be like "you didn't mean it" or "it's okay, don't leave me." I guess i'm just too afraid of losing anyone not to forgive them.

 

"Friend" - I'd probably send them to hell, and then say"You know, there is more like you out there, you should look for them, not me"

"Partner" - I'd say nothing at all, except a quiet, calm "Get the fuck out NOW"

"Friend" - Not exactly what you'd call trust.

"Partner" - Never, not even enough sympathy to keep a friendship.

"Friend" - If I must tolerate them ('cause we are working together on a project) I'd be able somehow to keep my anger under control. That doesn't mean we'll be seen holding hands.
"Partner" - No way.

"Friend" - I'll keep it civilized until the common project/work is over, and then I won't be answering calls/emails. If they are brave enough to apologize, I'd tell them they've got a problem and they need to work on it... And that would be the last they heard from me.
"Partner" - Ties were cut as she or he fucked the relationship up. I don't need to cut anything myself, they did all the job, it wasn't my decission. They are free to do whatever they want. All I know is that I don't want such people around me, I don't even want to keep their number on my agenda.

Not a lot of people around me, but they few ones are really worth my affection.

 

I'd tell them off, but wouldn't break off ties. Not when you don't know a person who hasn't made a serious attack on who you are.

 

I'd end it right there.

 

Well, given that repeated misgendering was a contributing factor to the end of my last relationship, I can say from experience it would be difficult to move past.

Some personal infractions are unrecoverable. If someone were to use my gender as a weapon and call me a man as a way of getting to me, I have no use for them in my life. I only have time for people who have a demonstrated and continuing commitment to compassion.

~ Adrienne

 

All groups can be racist as well, and it can be directed at any group. There's stereotypes about all races. In fact, by believing that all Caucasian people are racist, but all other ethnic groups are not (as clearly implied from your post), you're acting as if all the other groups are superior to Caucasians in terms of how they treat others, and thus you are being racist, by your own definition. Are you not? Are Caucasians the only race asinine enough to believe they are superior to others? All humans are the same at the base and capable of the same atrocities and same feelings of in-group superiority. Caucasians could feel discriminated against, or made to feel inferior, in countries where the majority is not Caucasian.

 

No chance in hell.

No friend of mine would even dare stoop that low. They all know how much my gender identity affects me.

A ''friend'' I had who wanted to date me and turned into a transphobic asshole when he found out about my body. I cut off ties, and even if he would say sorry, I would tell him to fuck off.

It makes me think about the things my mother say when she's angry. She doesn't realize it, but it hurts, a lot. She said once that I should have waited until I was 18 as to not put all the stress on her. She also told me when I first came out that I should have just accepted myself. Fortunately, that doesn't happen often, but she's too unstable for me to live at home. I'm glad I moved out.