Dealing with fear

Ok, I'm not exactly in your situation, but... Let me give it a try, if you don't mind.

First, how I go about it is strongly dependent on what exactly I'm fighting against.

I'm being aware that it's going to be hard as hell to undo all the effort I made in looking/acting like something I'm not. I used to be merciless with myself (my usual technique in dealing with the annoying/wrong me), until I realized it just takes time, and there is no way on earth to automagically speed it up.
... And it takes effort, yeah, true, but it has been +30 years acting, what do you expect...
So when it happens I repeat myself that I made a big effort to do this, and it's going to take another big effort to undo this.

If you have heard my voice, you know I'm far from sounding like I should. There is not much I can do until I go on T (and this is an advantage, I know), so all I can do right now is try to tame my intonation. Sadly, when I try (or just want) to be friendly, my old self will be back, one way or another, making me feel just miserable again... 'Cause once you have f...ed it up, you can't go back, you are forced to keep the show until the end.

What is most annoying is that I'm kind of programmed to act feminine when I want to get stuff easily from people, in other words, using feminity as a weapon.

The only good feedback I've got (so far) as a man is from girls (to my flirting attempts), but the rest... It was pretty meh, forgive them 'cause I'm just not there yet... And of course (being the foolish kid I am) that I was about to get into a (probably very short) fight with a drunk guy, way taller and stronger than me. Thanks to my friend, neither of us got beat up, but thanks to me we were pretty close, 'cause I refused to let it go. I'm not proud of what happened, but I felt... Kind of alive as a man I guess... It seemed all just right for some reason : Going to a bar, having a few beers, getting into a fight... I'm not looking forward to do it again, but also I refuse to eat anybody's shit, I never did it back then, and I'm not doing it now (I probably need to grow up, I know...)

Naw, I'm not scared of surgeries, I'd be glad to jump into it right here and right now. It's worth it, 'cause it will kill dysphoria, so... I know I want to finally get a normal life, and they'll give me junk so I won't feel a thing... Afterwards it will be painful for a while, plus the recovering, but I'm not getting anything from dysphoria, except misery.
It's a funny thing that I'm more afraid of going to the dentist...
(... And by the way, you should have a look at the thread I opened a week ago, about me going to the dentist... Surgery is scary, but the idea to keep living like this, with this crippling body dysphoria, that's enough to turn me suicidal.)

Back to the topic, the real problem is (besides the cash) that there is no real/ good enough solution for me, and I don't think I'll ever have the chance to get what I need to make me truly happy anyways. I'm sure I need to remove stuff from me, I've been always damned sure, but the things I'll "get"... I just don't know if it's worth it...

Ok, to make a long story short, if I have to resume it in just one sentence... My way of dealing with fear? By being fearless, being wild... I am a man, that means for me working hard on my strenght, in and outside, which always has been a part of my character anyways.
It's not easy to keep your head above the waters, but I refuse to let it show outside. I might not look like a tiger, but I'm sure as hell I'm as vicious, mad and dangerous as one. Let them try me :icon_wink

By the way... (*hug*)

 

You where the first person I met and became friends with when I joined this site. You gave me some really good advice about being myself and being wary of what may come into my life, becoming who I am and expressing it right. Sadly, all that you had warned me about did happen when I came out as a drag queen but what you told me is helping me cope with what's going on. Inside, it hurts really bad. I cry almost every night, I think negative things like "No one likes you" and even after all that's happened, I'm shocked that this was the thing that my parents didn't like.

Regardless, it is what it is and at the end of the day, I hear "Just be you and don't let anyone take that away". Something that I've learned on my journey is to be myself. To be who I am because who I am is going to open so many doors for other people who are afraid to express themselves and I am willing to take the brunt of all the hate just so that others like me can be comfortable with who they are instead of being something that society understands. Do you know what I mean?

I know that it's scary. Why wouldn't it be? The judgment that is thrust upon us as transgendered people is more than others can think of. It's always in your head as " Oh no, are they still going to like me?" and many other thoughts. But there is a time where you have to let it all go. Love yourself, love who you are, be who you truly are and don't let people tell you what you have to be. You do you on your own terms, girl. Make the path for yourself and not for anyone else. If they want to come along with you on your journey, that is their choice. As for surgery, don't worry about how much pain you'll be in. Think about the happiness you'll feel after. Focus on that.

.....

As for me personally.. I don't know if I do make any little slips. I kind of act a bit feminine sometimes, I guess, but overall, it doesn't bug me anymore. Things that scare me are.. well.. that I'll have to tell every person I go out with that I used to be female. It's not necessarily an uncomfortable situation, it's just that a lot of gay/bisexual men would rather have a genetic male partner and not a trans male partner. I'm not sure how women feel about that but doing drag and being bisexual also kind of plays a part into it and I kinda feel like I wouldn't have the best chances at finding someone who would be okay with all of that. I know that there are people out there that don't mind any of that but my luck falls down on the community I'm in.

Anything else.. I don't really care about. I used to care about being identified as 100% male but I feel both, even though I'm still going through with the surgery. I get questions asking me if I'm confused, doctors telling me that I need to make up my mind and I have made up my mind. I've known since I was a little kid, questioned it for a few years and now I'm certain. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm a Bisexual, Transgendered, Drag Queen. If people can't handle it then they can't handle the community in general, it's just that simple.. it really is.