One year on...still gay...

So it has been a year since I came out to myself. Or at least, nearly a year, give or take a week or so. But whether the anniversary is to the day or not is irrelevant, as the sentiment of this post remains the same: I'm beginning to understand that this gayness is here to stay. It is for real, it is not a phase, and even if I were to wait another, I probably won't get a different answer. Since I came out to myself, I have had several crushes, and been attracted to several people, and these have all been women. (Although there was this one man, briefly, but then I realised it wasn't him I liked...).

About a year ago - almost exactly - I posted my first post on EC, asking "Am I gay?". And I think the answer to that is yes. Or, to be precise, I think that I am bisexual, but mostly gay. I am pretty sure of that now. I remember the feelings of confusion and fear that overwhelmed me when I made that first post, and whilst those feelings have waned through the year, these last few weeks they have come back in full force as I have found myself developing new crushes and things - again on women - whilst also realising that this is happening a year on from when I first admitted the possibility.

Some things have happened very recently which make it difficult for me to argue that I'm not attracted to women; and, combined with the knowledge that this happens after a year of trying not to be gay, this has freaked me out. Stepping from "I'm straight" to "I think I'm bisexual or gay" is difficult. Stepping then again from this to "I am definately mostly gay" is likewise a stressful, difficult step. I have been extremely unbelievably busy lately, and also overwhelmed at the same time with feelings towards women - both which have combined to make me very, very stressed, as I was trying to have this crush on this guy, but life didn't work that way.

However, it was whilst I was talking to a friend - well, two friends, on separate occasions - the other day that really brought this into focus. I have had it in my mind that I would wait another year, and see if I was still gay then, in order to see if I really am gay. And both of them pointed out that what I feel in the future is in fact irrelevant - especially as I consider myself bisexual - as at the moment I am gay. The length of time that I have had these feelings and the fact that they have not gone away also made them both question the worth of waiting yet another year before accepting it. How many years must I be attracted to women until I admit that yes, there is a part of me that is very gay?

So: the place I am standing now is very different from that a year ago, even though a part of me wants to wait another year to find out whether or not I am "really" gay. However, I am not convinced that the answer will be any different, and if it is, all it does is prove what I already know: that I'm not completely gay, but mostly gay, and that sometimes I do find men attractive. But I think that the answer is "yes", even if this is only describes my orientation today.

The point of this isn't so much for advice as for me to reflect on the last year, and for me to fully realise that this last year has confirmed me further as having very strong gay tendencies rather than contradicted it. And I think, and hope, that this gives me the confidence to be able to declare: yes, I like women. And, also, added to that: do you want to go out with me?