Tomorrow, I'm turning 26, and I have many thoughts about that. Not just my birthday, but everyone else's if they are in their twenties. I only make these remarks because I think it's important for young adults to consider and assess their development. I also wanted to make these remarks by way of offering support to two very dear sisters of mine. We have a whole lot of people in their 20s here. It's almost universally been my experience--on and offline--that very few of us know what we're doing, and we seem quite certain of the fact that life itself is going to end in less than ten years. We're scared. We don't feel like we belong. Nothing we do is good enough. If we don't have a job, we want one. If we do have a job, we hate it. If we don't have a degree, we want one. If we do have a degree, we regret our choice. If we're single by now, we'll die alone. It's hard to be satisfied with where we're at. To the trained reader, all of this seems like a massive projection from me. I assert that it is not. I have really spoken with people offline and corresponded with people on EC who think some mixture of these things. We have body image issues, and we have agency issues. Age is a sore spot that triggers both of these concerns for us. However, I'm going to be happy tomorrow. I have a lot of things to be happy about. At the risk of pissing people off by enumerating my privileges, (here it goes anyway), I'll count my blessings: I have a job, I have friends, and I have free time for creative pursuits. There are things I want and cannot ever have. There are things I want and can have, but they are far off. There are things that I am working toward right now, and I will get them, but I will only be able to enjoy them far off in the future. I think the main source of anxiety for young adults is that we have to "have it made" at a very young age. And of course, "it" is everything. This presumes, of course, that there's a set of ways to have it made, and nothing ever undoes us. I think the key is to realize there is no destination. We're never going to "have it made." We're always going to be in the making. I hope you will resist the temptation to call the preceding trite. One of my sisters spoke of still working through finding herself. I am not sure that this is a process with an end. I feel that our notions of self come more into focus, but we're still changing, even if we are only changing around the edges. It's enough that we can speak of being dynamic enough so that having "found" ourselves is incoherent at best, or a setup for being boring and incomplete at worst. Therefore, with the greatest compassion and respect for my friend, I hope she doesn't find herself. Rather, I hope she's always seeking. Another friend of mine spoke of things being delayed in her life. She anticipates that by the time she achieves what she desires, she won't be able to enjoy any of it. I can greatly empathize with that, and I have certainly cried myself to sleep more than once over it. (By the way, warriors do that. Never trust a warrior who claims she doesn't cry, because she's a person who has no idea why she's fighting.) But as I mentioned earlier, our notions of self change. Therefore, our notions of what it means to be actualized will change. We will continue to want some of the things five to ten years from now that we do in fact want now, but some things will be different. When I was 18, I went into computer science because I wanted to be a game engine programmer. At 26 - 1 day, I now want to be a hacker. What kind, I don't know; either a penetration tester or a forensic examiner. This change in my desires is positve. Not only am I not disappointed my world doesn't revolve around gaming, I'm happy that my desires to work in computer security now have direct relations to public safety. But I get what my sister was saying. There are some invariants, some things we will always desire and need to be actualized. And sometimes, they are far off. But we are absolutely not going to act like life is over because the road is long or we didn't identify a particular actualizing goal as soon as we would have liked. There's something noble in proceeding down that road anyway, even if we feel it's hopeless or nearly hopeless. We have to walk into the horizon to see beyond it, even though definitionally, we can never reach it. We have to be agents, of change, of progress, of protection, and of beauty. There is no destination. There's only the journey. Faithfully, forcefully, and in sisterhood, Adrienne
I totally agree. This is like the old story of Shel Silverstein's "The Missing Piece." Great tale, although I didn't really grasp its significance when I was a kid. It's very easy to read, of course, this paragraph I'm currently writing is more complicated and hard to understand than the whole story. So if any of you haven't read it yet, it comes highly recommended from me.
One of the things that everyone does wrong is that they think they have to have jobs, get married, have kids and be settled by a certain age. If they don't reach these goals, then they've failed and will scramble to fix what doesn't need fixing. Jobs are important but make sure that it's something you like doing and don't settle for something that you absolutely despise. As for the rest, you don't have to be a certain age to get these things done. By the time you hit 25, you have around another 50-65 years to live. That is a long time. Think how long it took you to get to 25. Pretty long, right? In other words, don't sweat it. If you want something, go for it. There are no short cuts.. at least not any that go unpunished. Live your life how you want to live it and don't let anyone pressure you into things you don't want to do, especially if you're not ready. If they love you and care for you, they'll understand and patiently wait until you are.
Thanks. This is helpful to be reminded of. Oftentimes, I find myself postponing my happiness until I achieve XYZ goals and they may be long term, so enjoying the journey is necessary. In addition, I have so many life goals, I likely will never say, "I've arrived" or at least not until a very old age.
Congratulations. As an educator I cannot help, but smile. I have so often said the importance of education is the journey not the destination, because one should never close one's mind to new opportunities to learn and grow.
Yup, warriors cry. I'm half a warrior and many people are surprised to learn I cry. The main thing is I can pick myself up and get on with life. It meant a lot when Kaiser said only the strong cry. I find it especially tough to talk about because some people think guys gotta be super stoic. Perhaps it is simply the extent of my passion for life. I don't think I feel much different from when I was an older teen, except I'm better at controlling my emotions and can actually plan something now. I can achieve one thing and regret missing another. Sometimes it feels as if one can't win. I figure I'm okay as long as I'm doing something but doubt can still cloud my better judgement. Sometimes I'm inclined to believe I'm a failure because I haven't made a million dollars yet! I want to be able to die with no regrets. So I'm having all the damn fun I want.
Thank you so much for posting this! One of the things that really annoys me about society is that there's all this expectation to have your degree and start your career by your mid to late 20s. If you're not there, then there's something wrong with you. Which I think is a load of bull. Personally, I think that each and every one of us have our own niche in life and it takes different people different times to find theirs. Some people know from a young age what they want to do and go for it. Others it takes more time to figure that out, and that's ok. I didn't go to college immediately out of high school and worked for a couple of years instead. After a while of saving money and attending community college I'm now working on my art degree. I probably won't be done with school until I'm in my 30s, but I'm fine with that. I know plenty of other people who are only realizing their dreams and they're in their 30s, 40s, or older. The point is there's no time limit on when you achieve your life goals or milestones. Work towards them at your own pace and enjoy the journey there. Time limits are set by the expectations of society and, as we all know, one size doesn't fit all.
I struggle a lot with thoughts like this. I have a degree which I regret. I don't have a job. I went into completely the wrong career path for me. Now I've got to start over. I live with my parents and I want to be able to afford a place of my own. I feel like I've been left behind in life because I haven't achieved all that I should have. There is pressure to have made it by your mid 20s where I live. I think about where this pressure comes from and it isn't people my age. It's parents, grandparents and the older generations. By the time my parents were my age they had been in full time work for a decade and had got married and bought a house. They are angry that I have not achieved the same, yet it was them who pushed for me to go to university and get a degree.
Thanks for this thread...graduation is coming soon and it kinda sucks when others are already pursuing specific job titles while idk if my skills can be applied to anything... ---------- Post added 6th Mar 2015 at 11:16 AM ---------- i feel u
What a brilliant post and happy birthday I turn 24 in a few days and I can relate to a lot of what you said. Lately I have been down because I feel like im getting old and I dont know where im going in life. I hate my job but have one and I have a degree that I regret taking but it is a degree. You have made me feel a bit better though so thanks .
Well my journey really sucks so far. Like I got squeezed between two obese Greek men on an airplane where the only in-flight entertainment is paint sniffing.
Happy belated Birthday~! How was your birthday? You gave us an idea of what could happen, but I figured I'd still ask. I don't have a present, but I do have a long ramble, LOL: There is beauty in youth. Many individuals associate youth with some level of enjoyment, and this makes it remarkably difficult to part with. It's like a good friend that you've been gradually giving up, but still able to mingle with, and here comes 'Puberty', to replace them against your wishes. Puberty is like that annoying ex-boy/girlfriend some folks have. It sticks around for a while, though it isn't always top priority, but it likes to barge in here and there, to fuck with you. You meet puberty's pals, 'Peer Pressure' and 'Ignorance', too. Peer pressure is that kid, the one who never did their homework, cut classes, and was a total jackass to everybody. Ignorance is that pudgy little kid that thinks he's tough, when really he'd be likable, if he quit telling everybody how bad/wrong they are. All of a sudden, life isn't about playing with toys and chasing fireflies. Suddenly, you can't be friends with somebody. You get introduced to puberty's best friend, 'Popularity', an asinine and depressing buddy that, despite how divisive and negative they are, is just as their name implies. If you don't play by their rules, you're bottom of the totem pole; discarded, picked on, worthless. "That's nice, Kaiser. But where are you going with this?" Glad you asked! Often times, these experiences can frighten or hurt us. Nobody, usually, likes to be affected negatively. There's a desire to want to avoid or get away from such, and many retreat within themselves. To their hobbies, to their nostalgia, to their life as it was before all of this, because it allows them an injection of pleasure. It provides them a degree of control, because are memories are ours, to own, to use, to do with as we see fit. But reality around us continues. Time pities no one, and you are nothing but a single grain of sand in it's grandiose ambitions. You can live in that time capsule cocoon all you want, but even if you don't get your wings and take flight, you will be wiped out of existence at some point. Better to flutter for one moment in joy, than to dwell within the confines of security indefinitely, right? Not always. Despite how appealing this is to our inner spirit, to our desire to belong to something meaningful, we still retract from opportunity. It is better to be numb with familiarity than to risk being rejected from something we want, we crave, we need, we tell ourselves. We harden our hearts to the possibility of happiness, but we tell ourselves, that is okay, this is fine. At least we didn't get hurt. But we also didn't experience good. Too many individuals coat their cocoon in regret, and weigh themselves down with such; and it is no wonder we believe it impossible to break out. Sure, your heart and pride may have been spared, but at what cost? Your ability to feel, to live. Endurance without comfort is torture. There is no point to suffer, if nothing comes of it. You always have a choice when a storm blows. Take shelter and hope for the best, or learn how the storm operates, why and how, so that you may avoid it. But many of us are not capable of facing ourselves, because what little comfort we have, is dependent on at least not acknowledging our vulnerabilities. We may be single and dateless, jobless and financially underwhelmed, and believe ourselves to be stupid/unlovable/worthless. But at least we don't make it any harder for ourselves, like everybody else does or can, by piling on more. But life is only slightly more compassionate than time. You have to, as the saying goes, break a few eggs to make an omelet. You have to go through some discomfort, rejection, and assholes, before you come across something worthwhile, something that can make life more bearable than it currently is. As bad as it hurts to ponder "What If...", it hurts a lot more to live it. Success is ultimately defined by the individual that seeks it. For some, this is being married, for others, this is having a career, and yet others pine for an exciting lifestyle. We all want the reward, but very little of us want the effort. We say we do, if that effort doesn't force us out of our little comfort cocoon. To those who don't take a risk, this is it, this is your life. To those who do, there is the opportunity to change something about it, whether it be a lesson learned or a companion acquired. But if you do nothing different, you cannot expect to live different. Personally, I am at odds with myself. I have ridiculous standards in certain areas, like improvement. I hate giving up, but I fucking hate knowing something I want is kicking my ass. Maybe it's that extra weight I'm carrying, maybe it's that extra mile or two I run, or maybe it's my inability to navigate through something. Whatever it is, nothing motivates or humbles me more, than being incapable of overcoming/accomplishing something. It forces me to accept my weaknesses, and for somebody who doesn't look forward to crying or sadness, it is easy to see why I'd rather resort to getting irked. Situation status, I cannot really complain. I have food and drink, enough gas to get to where I need to go, a roof over my head, a few outfits of clothes to wear, a golden ticket of a job, and a decent head on my shoulders. I count those blessings, even if believe I could be doing better -- and this is where conflict arises: By believing I can do better, it is difficult for me to accept my present situation at times. It isn't moving as fast as my desires. When a stall or delay happens, frustration arises, because I put so much into my progress. It not only takes up time, but my life as well, and I like to think I will reach a point where, I am not a burden on potential friends, I am able to take care of a potential partner, and if kids come into the equation, then I will be able to provide for them. I want anybody to look at me and say, "I'm glad ___ is here, they always have their shit together. They cover their expenses, and they're willing to be helpful. And they're so God damn sexy!" When I can help others to make their lives easier, to show them appreciation, then I can say success has been reached. However, unlike graduating from college or being promoted at a job, this is not a one time ordeal. It is a continual process, and while you see results, you cannot actually see a conclusion. Life only stops with death, as does caring for and making others feel valued. To do this, I must work on myself. Again, something that never truly has a conclusion. And now, you can get an idea of the constant frustration I put myself in. While I can enjoy the simple things in life, there is a tendency to always want to keep going forward, to get to the next step because, maybe just maybe, there is an ending to all of this improvement. However, everything I experience, be it first hand or in thought, may be able to serve some purpose. When somebody has been touched by something I've said or done, then I feel alive. I feel, well, appreciated. In a nutshell, I beat myself up a little more than I should, but it makes me a better person. I know how precious being able to smile or laugh is, in a world that tends to be full of idiots and problems. Those exceptional folks who stand out and bring a positive influence, are probably the very ones who need what they give. Success is every time somebody thanks me, and I know it was possible because I conditioned myself. There is much to be proud of, and to love, there.
