Being "mostly gay" or "mostly straight"

Hi sporn!

I know how you feel.
I think your sexuality is nobody's business.
If you feel unsure about your sexuality, but uncomfortable with people knowing this, it is sign that you have not yet accepted yourself fully, and are still working on finding who you are.

There are people who are 'predominantly gay', when it comes to attraction who identify as gay- because they are not interested in being or having sex with the opposite sex, and don't ever see themselves doing it. However if you *do* still see yourself with the opposite sex, and you don't think it is just social conditioning, you might need to accept it eventually. It all depends what you want, how you see yourself living, what you want/need in a partner, etc.

What matters is focusing on your preference, and accepting it, rather than worrying about having a very accurate label now.

 

Well~ there's nothing wrong with being bi, but if you don't feel like it represents you, saying you're gay is fine too~ there's a spectrum of sexualities so don't pressure yourself to fit into one label~ a label doesn't define you, it just is a means of expressing yourself to others ^.^

 

I think it's very possible to be "mostly gay". Sexuality is very much fluid. But you know, labels shouldn't define you in any way. Express yourself like there's no tomorrow!

 

You're not alone with this, I'm not 100% gay or bi but inbetween. Sometimes I'll see I picture of a girl and think 'hmmm' but inbetween that and the next girl I'm attracted to theirs 100 guys, nor is the attraction, it just doesn't feel as strong with women as guys. Despite that fact I still indetify as gay because that's where the majority of my feeling lie.

 

This is a very good video by bi/pan/queer youtuber of her comming out as bi to her gf.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spuPyghyo_Y

I think this is actually the first time I have seen a 'right down the middle of the spectrum' bi person talk- & it really helped me to solidify my feelings that I am not bisexual myself- which I worried about a lot.

I just don't know if I am capable of sexual attraction to the opposite sex & this lack of certainty was confusing as hell- at times I have felt I could be capable, at other times I have felt I was never capable of attraction- but I have always and forever found reasons why I dislike, don't want to be with, feel uncomfortable with, and want to avoid dating/having sex/being romantic with men.

I could never feel about being with a man like Ashley did in the video- she fully owns her capacity to be attracted to both, and you could see that she is a person fully at peace with her sexuality, and comfortable with it, and it feels right to her- she does not worry about it.

And I could never say- "I also like guys" and feel at peace or comfortable with it- it would just feel 'off' and not 'right' to me.

Regardless if you find yourself to be more bi, or more towards the gay end of the spectrum I really recommend watching her videos, because something about the way she talks is very positive and affirmative

 

I think that if you're "mostly gay", there's nothing wrong with calling yourself "gay". If you're attracted to the same sex 9 times out of 10, then why not call yourself "gay"? That's going to be the most accurate and useful label for you.

 

I consider myself "mostly gay," but maybe I will change my label to "meowmeowmeowmeowmeow."

As to your dilemma, Sporn, I've had the exact same thoughts. But if you don't want to be seen as bi or identify as bi, I think it's fine to "round up to gay" as one of my friends often tells me. If you're close enough to being gay in a sense then all you need to tell people is that you're gay. If you're closer to them and want them to know more about you, you can then further explain yourself. But you don't owe it to anyone to divulge such personal details unless *you* feel comfortable doing so.

 

Ha, well, I should practice what I preach, here, but it might behoove you to try to worry less what others think of you. As for me, I say I'm "still figuring things out" but I think in the long run I will end up coming out as gay. My thought process has been, even if I come out as gay now and fall for a man later, there is nothing stopping me from then reconsidering my label and identifying as bi if that point if I so choose. After all, for a long time I did present myself as straight and that does not keep me from now identifying as lesbian.

 

Well I think although lesbians who fall for a man are frowned upon in the community, generally I don't think this is something to worry about that much- it is your life, not theirs.
Will you really worry so much what that dyke you have met in your local lgbt group 3 times will think in 5 years time, if you happen to fall for a guy? By then she will not know who you are...
Exceptions happen-there is always this possibility for everyone-it is not like you are seeking out dudes.

Straight women fall for lesbians- still remain straight (horrible sex lives ensue)- lesbians fall for one guy, but still remain sexually exclusively attracted to women & call themselves queer as a result, etc. Its the margin of error really.

If you are seeking out dudes to hook up with, or have romantic relationships with, etc, then it would be wrong to call yourself anything but bisexual, but if you are not, then why worry?

I don't see what is wrong with 'queer'- this is what I still call myself just to be on the safe side, whilst privately and here I think of myself as lesbian exclusively-this is how I feel.

 

Hi sporn,

I really think you can't control what men are going to think no matter what label you use or who you sleep with. I struggle with this myself. Because "totally gay" does not exactly describe me if that is what I am in the future functionally.

Mostly gay seems more accurate to me than say bisexual or gay. But, just to me, at that point of mostly gay and gay seems like splitting hairs. Like maybe the stars would have to align for me to be with another woman.

And as far as what other lesbians may think, you can't control what they think. You seem like a very thoughtful person, give yourself a much needed break!