Straight guy had gay experience with best friend. Please help.

From the sounds of it, he may have took advantage of you being drunk. Sorry to hear it happened.

Anyway I'm not exactly sure what to do about it, for now I would just explain to the friend that you didn't mean what you did and that alcohol/medicine caused you act very unusually and say you are sure you straight, say you would like to still be friends (assuming you do) but make it clear you don't want anything more (boyfriend, fu**buddy etc).

I'm not sure I have the best advice around, but that's what I think, And I hope things work out for you

*hugs*

 

It's a shame you cannot wall message about private things (although I do understand why). But I can say, I've experienced a very similar thing, although I was very young. Looking back, I've basically always been neither cisgender nor heterosexual, but I was officially at the time. For me, that was a part of a series of events that led me to being suicidal. If you want to read that story, it's summed up here (note: the middle paragraph is basically the relevant one): http://emptyclosets.com/forum/general-support-advice/174306-phase-two-hugs-please-3-a.html
So, ideally I'd say tell your girlfriend, however, that might not be good for you. I'd suggest you begin by talking honestly to your friend. Please do that. I didn't, and I regret it to this day, and we haven't been friends since.
And also, don't feel too bad or ashamed. I don't in any way doubt that you're straight, but I highly doubt that anyone is 100% straight. Stephen Fry (gay) said he had never been attracted to a woman, but that he probably was something like 10% straight. I am not saying you are, but let's say you're 0,1% gay or something (although percentages are a bit confusing with this stuff I think), I mean the alcohol can make you unintentionally express that 0,1%. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. But do talk to your friend. Like 404 said, it might be that he took advantage of you. Otherwise he might have just been really drunk and horny and now feels bad as well, for having sex with you although you're striaght and in a relationship.
Stay in touch and don't put this on the shelf like I did! Take care, hugs <3

 

I second what Triflow said. Talk to him about it, and get some sort of closure. Talk until you're both satisfied that you've really said everything you wanted to say, that the other party has listened fully and it doesn't feel like an overwhelmingly emotionally charged topic anymore. This should alleviate a lot of the anxiety.

You also need to figure out exactly what happened that night. You will probably not remember much if you mixed Klonopin and alcohol that night, so if he only used alcohol his memory might be slightly better. You need to ask him exactly what he remembers, but if he took advantage of your inebriated state he's probably not going to admit it and will probably not want to talk about that night at all. If you feel you were taken advantage of, you might be in need of some therapy. It is just as emotionally devastating for men as it is for women, even if it doesn't get talked about nearly enough.

As for your girlfriend; personally I think honesty is the most important thing in any relationship and you should tell her about it. But before talking to her, you need to figure out what exactly happened that night, so you know what to tell her in the first place. This is just my opinion, in the end it's really your decision to make whether you need to tell her or not.

Never again drink after taking Klonopin (or any other benzodiazepine), your memory will be shot and you will have no idea what you're doing. It's a recipe for disaster! If you're going to be drinking, it's probably best you drink a few drinks at home first to alleviate the anxiety instead of taking your anxiety meds. Please just never mix those two again! Sorry about the tough love, but it needed to be said.

I hope you can get a clearer view of how the events unfolded that night, and that you can find some peace with the fact that it did happen. Take care and stay strong! (*hug*)

ETA: Just to highlight how bad the benzo/alcohol mix is: someone I know, who would otherwise not do such a thing, ended up stealing a bunch of cars from an import lot and crashing them (they never got far and walked back for a new one). Someone else almost killed me by driving in that state without my knowledge.

 

It sounds like your friend took advantage of you. Maybe you should not hang out with anymore.

 

That e-mail sounds good to me. I hope he responds so you can start figuring out what happened.

 

This post might (or might not) be similar to his perspective.
Just something to consider.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/61285-messed-around-straight-friend.html

 

Let me start by saying I am not going to accuse your friend of anything, since you don't remember what happened. You may be straight while sober, but as you have said you took a double dose of Klonopin and then proceeded to drink heavily. This is obviously dangerous, not only because it makes you vulnerable to situations like this, but because you are not supposed to mix those drugs. You put your life at risk, and that is a serious issue all on its own. You talked about how in the past you've done this before, and how you did crazy shit as a result. Without more information, for all we know you could have initiated the entire encounter, especially since last time mixing alcohol and Klonopin it caused you to be aggressive enough that you were almost arrested. This has to be considered as a possibility.

Until you know what happened passing judgement or jumping to conclusions is unwise. So the first thing you need to do is swallow your anxiety and sit down with your friend. This is not a conversation you have over e-mail, text, or the phone. This is a face-to-face conversation. Explain to him that you want to discuss what took place the other night, and tell him what you remember. Tell him how upset it has made you. Ask him if he can fill in anything he remembers.

Now, when you are asking this you are not looking just for what he remembers. You are also looking to see if he is trying to lie to you. You want to see exactly how much you can trust this person. So watch his body language, and see if he avoids answering your questions. If he obviously starts lying to you, claiming that nothing happened, then we have some circumstantial evidence that something serious might have happened.

On the other hand, if he is honest about what he remembers, and it is clear that there was some type of sexual encounter you both can discuss that. It is important for you to get your feelings out onto the table, otherwise this is just going to hang over your head and eat away at you. This is your moment to start putting your self on the path to getting closure on the issue.

Once you have had this face-to-face conversation with him, and hopefully have a better understanding of what happened, you can then find a way to handle the situation with your girlfriend. However, until you have had this conversation with him this is going to be something that eats away at you and also eats away at your relationship with her.

This is the only practical advice you can receive at this moment, because until you have had that meeting and have a better handle on what happened you have no idea how to proceed.

 

I admit I didn't read the whole message since it's rather long but I think I got the point:

You're hetero...had sex with some guy and now curious how to act? Just act as if nothing had happened. Years ago I had sex couple of times with a friend who was dating only girls before me and he was straight 100%.

After our first time we just acted normally...as if nothing had happened.

As to dating straight guy: forget it.

 

I think Aldrick made a good point. Either of you could have initiated the encounter.

I've had straight friends that have tried cuddling with me and even kiss me. I was sober enough to stop the advance, not because I didn't want to be with that friend but because I knew that they are straight and that was peculiar behavior for them.

If I was really drunk who knows what would have happened.

I think the best thing here is to try to clear the air between the two of you if you wish to remain friends.

That's my 2 cents anyway.

 

From your story you got very wasted and got taken advantage of. The gay aspect of it is not that hugely relevant, the important thing is someone did something to you sexually that you were not comfortable with.
If a really ugly woman (that was a good friend) did that to you what would your response be?
If someone, male or female, did that to me I'd be rightly hopping mad. I'd probably confront the person but not in an email. (I can be a lot ruder and offensive in person) But that is just me.

 

See. this is a good damn reason why not to drink around people you can't trust.

 

Hey texx,

Thanks for sharing, and I hope that you're still checking this thread.

I just wanted to speak up because I once got closer than I should have to being on the opposite side of this. I don't want to assume that you're friend's situation is similar to mine, and I'm sorry if this is just going to complicate things further, but I still thought I'd say it.

It is really common for gay people to develop strong feelings for close straight friends. Look on the relationship sub-forum of this site and you'll find plenty of people struggling with that. While I hope that I'm now mostly over it, I spent a good couple of years in love with my straight best friend. He still doesn't know that. He now has a fiancée. At the time of this anecdote she was his long-term girlfriend.

About a year ago we got very drunk. And in his drunken state he twice kissed me on the cheek. I massively wanted to reciprocate, but I remember looking in his eyes and had a weird feeling that if I did, it would have ended with us full on kissing. I think that with what I was going through at the time (I still hadn't spoken to anyone about being gay) I was more likely to read the same sort of feelingsin others, and I desperately wanted to believe that he was bi and might be interested.

I just had the wherewithal in my very drunken state to realise that even if I was right, that I couldn't let him make the decision to kiss me when he was in that state. But it was a difficult decision to make, and it was a very close run thing.

I spent a lot of time after that moment wondering what had happened between us. I wondered if we needed to talk about stuff at all. But when I next spoke to him, he was completely normal. Some months after I came out to the guy I told him that there was a time when I had thought that we had almost kissed, and he didn't remember it.


I think you should talk to your friend. This whole situation is clearly eating you up, and I think that talking about where his head is should at least make things a bit clearer. Starting conversations like this are always difficult, but once your committed to talking about whatever it is you need to talk about, it gets easier. It is of course possible that he also wants to talk about it.

I don't really know how you should react after talking to him. I guess it's up to you. On the one hand, it seems likely that he took advantage of you (although it's worth waiting until you've heard his recollection before definitely settling on that conclusion), and that's clearly not acceptable, no matter how close you are. On the other hand, he is your best friend, and that's a major relationship to throw away. I guess it comes down to where you think the responsibility lies, and whether you think you can trust him.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

 

I agree 100%! Think of it as you got drunk had sex, end of story... You are not a married man therefore you what? cheated on a girlfriend? Big deal, most guys do when in the mood and drunk. You had sex why beat yourself up over this? I just don't see the big deal unless you enjoyed it and now are fantasizing about it, or now you prefer him over your girlfriend, or something like that. You'r straight, had a encounter, and guess what you still are straight with girlfriend. No don't tell girlfriend and open that can of worms. June

 

You had an experience with a friend but there is no pattern of behaviour that would suggest that you want more. Importantly, you both were wasted and as we all know, we don't make the same choices when we are drunk or on drugs as we do when we are "straight" so to speak.

It sounds like you and your friend both have problems recalling the night so perhaps it is best to leave it alone and move on.

You have a right to privacy and as this was a one time thing and out of character for you, I would forget it.

That might sound like I am encouraging dishonesty but I think that sometimes being an open book can be more hurtful and not helpful.

 

yeh, move on..
it no big deal, you fooled around with another human being.
He happened to be a man.
Although, paradoxically, you say you can't remember anything. So you don't know who initiated it. And so you can't really blame your friend for taking advantage of you.

 

That's not a friend , that's a man waiting for an opportunity and taking advantage of another man this sounds like man on man rape.:icon_sad:
Dude you got raped if I were you i wouldn't hang around him again .

 

I would just talk it out with your friend and move on if you feel awkward around him or you think he took advantage of you then stop being his friend. Let this be a lesson don't get drunk and mix pills you regret what you are doing when you wake up