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Butch vs femme mindset

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by xxaquaxx, Apr 29, 2015.

  1. xxaquaxx

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    Do you femmes who just date butch women date them because they're masculine presenting as opposed to dressing as feminine? Because there are some feminine dressing women who might have a more masculine mindset than the ones who dress up manly.

    I'm asking this because some femme told me she wouldn't date another femme because supposedly we're not masculine enough for her :dry: But I'm definitely not ultra-femme.
     
  2. Fallingdown7

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    This probably depends on the person and their mindset. Maybe some of them just fall into a heteronormative mindset.

    I personally enjoy both though lol
     
  3. YuriBunny

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    Well I'm rather gender-neutral in appearance, and I like girly girls. But I don't assume that they'll have feminine personalities just because they look girly. I'm really just attracted to feminine styles. I don't see why it would be different for femmes who like butches. But everyone's different, so I can't speak for all lesbians.
     
  4. butHitlerisDead

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    Well masculine mannerisms and dressing masculine typically go hand in hand. I consider "femmes" with more masculine personalities to be more of a soft butch, but I'd date a super feminine woman or a masculine woman so it doesn't make a difference to me.
     
  5. mangotree

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    For some people - opposites attract. For others - sames attract.
     
  6. ChloeKiss

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    I adore the feminine female mindset.. The classical type.. Like Mary Poppins kind of.. But more ''today'' type. :wink:

    I only date other femmes ♥
     
  7. RedLynx

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    My gf is somewhere between femme and butch...chapstick, I guess. I'm more feminine but I don't wear makeup. I'm not into butch because I'm quite intimidated by them, but maybe it's just me :grin:
     
  8. XenaxGabby

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    I would only date other girly-girls, like myself. I've never understood the appeal of butch women.
     
  9. mindthegap

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    I'd definitely date femme girl, I'm not very attracted to butch type. And I consider myself to be femme/tomboy (in clothing) but besides men's style I sometimes wear, I am pretty feminine and far from butch.
     
  10. Libra Neko

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    I have nothing personally against butch girls, but I'm just never attracted to them sexually. I'm more femme than butch in looks, but I'm not a lipstick lesbian nor do I particularly see myself as feminine inside.
     
  11. Lipstick Leuger

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    I am a Femme, who only dated Butch women. I don't date girly girls, I don't find them sexually attractive. I think they look pretty, and such, but they always turn into friends because there is no sexual attraction there.

    I have said several times it is an energy thing, with some women being more feminine energy and others with more masculine type. I LOVE masculine energy, just not with a penis, I love the solid, down to Earth energy that is calming. It has nothing to do with hair length, clothing or makeup either. It is all on how they feel. You can take a Butch woman and give her long hair and a girly outfit and she will look like and feel like a fish on a bike. You can take a Femme and shave her head in a faux hawk and make her watch sports and drink beer all day long and she will feel wrong in her skin. It's like that. You are who you are energy wise, no matter how you try to hide it. You are attracted to who you are attracted to and it's not wrong either way.
     
  12. Libra Neko

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    I don't like this idea that women are either butch or femme. I'm neither. My gf was neither. The girl I had a crush on (not reciprocated) looked more femme, but she wasn't necessarily a femme inside. People are more complex: most people don't have only feminine or only masculine energy.
     
  13. Fallingdown7

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    I'd agree. I'm in the middle as well. Most people would probably consider me a soft butch, but I feel like I have a feminine side internally as well.
     
  14. Lipstick Leuger

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    Let me try to explain ....It seems the younger generation takes it like people must be one or the other. That is simply not the case. There are many many mixtures of energies. Femme or Butch has nothing to do with how you look, that is the point. It has nothing to do with how you dress or the way you wear your hair. Dressing masculine does not make you a true Butch. There is a difference between being Butch and dressing Butch. Different mind set. The term is used very loose by this generation of kids.

    Many Butches and Femmes, at least us OFOS kinds, and older ones(40 and up)do not identify as Lesbians, I am NOT a lesbian, I am a Femme. They are different. Completely different. We all love women but that is where it ends. Femme was a specific identity, as was Butch when I grew up( 80's) and if you had female masculinity and were masculine of center, you were Butch, you were not Trans. Trans was something completely different. Opposite but same for Femmes. Many Butches and Femmes had to dress girly for work, or to pass, and not be ostracized, but that did not change what they were inside, how they felt, that they felt like fakes in those clothes, and they felt less than. Please refer to the link I included by Ivan Coyote, who really does a great job of saying how Butches struggle and how Femmes love them.(Hy is one HOT Butch also!) Being Butch was and still is a dangerous thing because they are bullied and abused often by males because males think that they own masculinity.

    Anyone who did not identify as such was a lesbian, and unfortunately, many lesbians and Femininsts at that time had big issues with Butch/Femme pairings, and even now our love is minimized by others. Today the idea of Butch is 'one who dresses in boyish clothing' and the idea of Femme is 'one who dresses as a girl and wears makeup' I think that is where the confusion is coming in when I mention energy and such. People read it as a put down or something and it is not in any way one.

    I hope I explained this a bit better, but it's actually easier to just research Butch/Femme. For instance, does anyone here know the universal Butch/Femme symbol is a black upside down triangle and a red circle intersecting? There is a whole Butch/Femme culture, groups and threads.

    https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search...tsAuhovyAucQE3LYF4eGyIXbS3fuiFjAdOp37ylthyw,,

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q7IzwUa_kI

    This seemed kind of fun also......http://www.lesbiatopia.com/2007/11/are-you-butch-femme-or-lost-in-middle.html
    I hope this helps!:icon_bigg
     
    #14 Lipstick Leuger, May 1, 2015
    Last edited: May 1, 2015
  15. RedLynx

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  16. starlights

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    Huh. Apparently because I don't cry when break a nail, I tend to leave my clothes all over the place, and I do some things around the house myself, I'm an "androgyne." Also did anyone else notice that the quiz has some hilariously outdated questions? I haven't seen a VCR since I was in middle school. :slight_smile:

    For OP's question, I think Fallingdown summed up the way I feel, which is that the whole butch/femme thing seems heteronormative. It's like recreating the same gender binary that defines straight relationships. If that's what you like, then awesome, but IMO it shouldn't govern how relationships are formed.

    Anyways I'm femme and I'm attracted to femmes. One of my fantasies is to be with a girl who takes charge sexually, but I don't think same sex relationships have to fall into the same "man/woman" roles. In other words, being aggressive in bed doesn't mean that person is the "man" in the relationship...femininity isn't mutually exclusive with sexual preferences.
     
  17. Lipstick Leuger

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    I actually fought with myself about answering the OPs question, just because many lesbians in general have the idea that Butch/Femme relationships are heteronormative in nature, and attempting to recreate the straight relationship, so I don't usually talk about it in depth with anyone who is not in a Butch/Femme pairing, simply due to this generalization and misunderstanding. It is the same type of misunderstanding that says "if you use a strapon, you really want a male" I exclusively dated males for the first 25 years of my life before I came out, and I can attest, that being in a straight heteronormative relationship is nothing like being in a Butch/Femme one. Dating a male is nothing like dating a Butch either, they are not men, nor do they want to be one. The Butch is not always the 'man' and the Femme is not always a helpless ball of fluff who cooks and cleans.

    I do agree that being aggressive in bed does not make you 'the man' and non feminine any more than being scared of spiders makes you the girl. Unfortunately, those beliefs and stereotypes just don't seem to die, much like the one that says Bisexuals will cheat on you and can't be trusted. One can only hope that some day we can get rid of all of that crap. (at least we can hope!)
     
  18. Rancid

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    I've never been too keen on these lesbian type labels either.. If someone wants to identify with one though, I don't see anything wrong with that. I guess sometimes I've just felt pressured to identify with one myself when I really just don't seem to flawlessly fit into one label. I also don't like how it feels like I have to use these labels to determine what kind of girls I'm attracted to? I'm a woman, I like women, I've been attracted to women who all differ in their way of expressing themselves.
     
  19. starlights

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    I hope didnt offend you. :frowning2: I was just trying to say that I don't look at things in "butch/femme" labels like the OP's friend.
     
  20. RedLynx

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    I usually take tests like these for entertainment purposes only. My test results were in no way accurate as to what I really consider myself to be.