I'm 18. I've been abused by my mom's ex, beat by my grandmother, emotionally and mentally abused by both my parents. To put it in short, my mom and her new boyfriend are homophobic and ignorant. And they're hypocrites; they lie and say they accept me when in reality they don't. I'm bisexual, and they think once you put your c*ck in a guy's bum (I didn't wanna curse and say a*s), that you're automatically gay. I have social anxiety, PTSD, bipolar disorder (I cannot confirm this but my psychiatrist thinks I have it even though he's only seen me for one session), SPD, and most of all, Asperger Syndrome. SPD -- I've been a picky eater, my mom says, since I was 4. I used to eat healthy foods as a baby. But now I eat chips, French fries from McDonalds, chicken nuggets from Wendy's, popcorn nuggets from KFC, pretzels, bacon, popcorn. And I drink orange juice and soda. I think water has no flavor to it. I never go out to restaurants with anyone because the restaurants serve things I don't eat. Whenever I go over someone else's house, or to a family member's, they always ask me if I want some dinner and I politely decline; 1) Because I hate when people watch me eat; 2) I know I'll hate the food; 3) I eat extremely slowly; once it took me 1 hour to eat a whole plate of food. Aspergers -- I can't read body language, which I tried to look up and read about (no pun intended), but I don't care anymore. I also have trouble starting conversations. If I see someone I don't know who I think is cute, I do not go up to them and say hi. When I have in the past, all I say is "Hi, how are you?" and when they say "I'm good", I just stop talking or make small talk. I have a couple best friends, but they're either in college or high school and are way too busy to spend time with me. That's why I have my online friends. I'm amazing at storytelling, as well as being a commentator (I do magazine reviews online), comedian, vlogger, songwriter, poet & rapper. I love to tell comedic stories about my life. Social anxiety -- I barely have any IRL friends. I have one but she can be rude and nasty towards me sometimes. These are some things she's said: "You're hard to please," "You're way too sensitive". I barely go out. I only go out maybe once a month. Twice, if I feel confident. The reason I don't go out is because a little scandal happened to me between 2013-14 that included me being intensely bullied by my entire school. I would go to the mall, and people would always talk about me. So I don't go out in order to avoid having to hear people talk badly about me in public (while I'm in their presence), which makes me feel bullied and like an outcast. I stay in my room all day and have my computer, my PS3, and 2 TVs. And my iPhone 4 and HTC Desire. My whole family is always telling me to get out the house (they don't know about the bullying scandal); when I went to Georgia to visit some cousins, they forced me out the house while my mom and other adult female cousins were gossiping (I wanted to be in on the gossip and the Tea but at the time they would've said "Stay out of grown folks' business"). Bipolar disorder -- I have always been sensitive. I take things way too personally. Everyone who knows me tells me that. I feel as though I don't cry anymore, but I tear up maybe once every 2 months if someone is trying to read me or clock my tea. My mom is nice around me, but when we fight, she acts tough. So when she yells at me, she keeps her composure and I always tear up. I hate that about myself.... And when she tears up (which is rare) I'm the one who shows absolutely no emotions. I stay strong. I have depression--about why no one wants me for a relationship, how girls have used me and guys "don't keep me as a boyfriend very long" as I tell anyone I come into 20/20 vision with; about how my Youtubes and social media platforms barely get any views or likes or followers. I see all my friends' pages get likes every single day, and the only time I get a like is if I say "I'm depressed" or if I write something some can call controversial. PTSD -- In 2010-11, my mother and I were abused. I was choked two times, and threatened 6 different times. For that, I had to testify in front of a jury for the first time. Because a traumatic event (the choking my abuser inflicted on me), I developed PTSD. For one whole year, I had it. If I saw a green Ford F150, I thought that my abuser was in the exact same location as me and my family and I would just zone out and stare at the vehicle. Is there a bigger problem than PTSD, social anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, SPD, and Aspergers? or is it just me?
Hi, first of all I'm really sorry you have had such a negative reaction. Good on you for pursuing people you want to be with. I think the relationship with your family is very toxic, are there other family members you can spend your time with rather than those who don't accept you? I think it is best to spend as little time possible with those who don't accept you, they don't deserve your time and you don't deserve to be so badly treated. I think bisexuality is difficult for hetero people to understand, for some reason they think you must prefer one of the other. In terms of eating I sympathise, I am a picky eater too. I also use food in the way of controlling my feelings which I know can be unhealthy but it is a coping mechanism and everyone copes the best they can. Some gamble, some drink, some risk take it is just various ways of coping with life. Unless you are hurting other people or causing yourself to be homeless cope the best you can. In terms of aspergers body language I also find somewhat difficult but having people to talk to is important. Having online friends is great I'm glad you have found supportive people, as for face to face friends, people have limited time and friends change over time. Unfortunately lots of people don't understand how to treat others with a disability, and yes. Aspergers is somewhat of a disability as it influences your relationships and ability to communicate. It is not a bad thing it is just ONE part of you. I'm sure you have many other labels such as son, musicianist, student, employee etc. In terms of in real life friends you could join a church, a meetup group (meetup.com) or make friends volunteering in a role which you have passion for and meeting like,need individuals there. Moving to somewhere new to start fresh would also help. In terms of YouTube, the exposure is not important. YouTube is a way of uploading something and sharing it. You could share it with your online friends. However likes are really unimportant as are number of views. YouTube records what you want but at the same time you should be uploading it for yourself not to gain attention from other people. The best thing to do is find roles you like doing ie being a student, being a writer, being a video maker and then pursuing them for your love of them. If you focus on your passions it helps you to become more centred on what a great life you can create and also allows you to use your time having fun rather than focusing on why no one likes you. If you focus on why no one likes you it leaves you in a circle of despair which is difficult to climb out of. You are not a problem and you are more than just your mental health issues. You have a lot to offer the world, maybe you could teach older people how to upload to YouTube or you could help teach others how to edit videos. This will help you to feel valued as you have something to offer the world. Further PTSD, bipolar, social anxiety, sad and asbergers are just labels, you need to find other labels to lift you up. These labels can explain your feelings and why you act certain ways if you use them to describe yourself although with new people beware these labels can scare people because mental health is hard to understand than physical health. Basically the best advice I can give you is to accept who you are and do what you can to enjoy your life. Meet new people, pursue your hobbies and volunteer, come on forums to share your pain but also come on them to help others with theirs. See that you are more than these labels and you can make a difference in the lives of others and really what better thing is there do to in the world than to help others with their worries?
You sound a lot like my brother who is an Aspie. You are unique and seem like a wonderful person. Don't let the negativity of others drag you down. Try to put positive things in your life. This is the challenge of my brother as he seems to see everything in a negative life, but I'd say try to improve yourself and pursue your passions.
