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Should I stay out their business or stay IN it?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by don29002, May 5, 2015.

  1. don29002

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    So, I'm 18 and an only child. My mom has been dating this guy for 4 years now. But there's one problem: he's married. I don't like that at all, but my cousin told me "Him being married is none of your concern" which I disagree with. Everyone in my family knows it's wrong to date someone else while you're married.
    I found out my aunt and uncle (who are like second parents to me) used to do drugs back in the day. My other cousin told me, and now we both don't know how to confront my aunt about it.
    Back to me, so my mom spends all her time with this guy. She gets up at 2am, leaves for work at 4am, starts working at 5, knocks off at 1pm, and after work, she rushes to see him! While I'm sitting home depressed and miserable about where she is, she's having fun with her married boyfriend.
    She rushes to be with him EVERY day except Sundays (when she does her second job as a home health-aid.). But other than that, she sees him literally every single day.
    I hate him. He (if anyone knows what this means) throws shade, he always reads me down. I don't like when he does those things. Also he says slick "stuff" (since I can't curse on here) under his breath about me.
    His wife F and my mom E have said a few words to each other. "Hands off my husband" E said. "I don't mess with married men", my mom exclaimed.

    My cousin T came over on Saturday and it was intense. He told me "You don't hate [my mom's boyfriend's name], you're mad at yourself. You're unhappy." I do have bipolar depression, but I try my best to control my emotions and depression. For the first time ever, I told a member of my family a couple of months ago, after he asked me "How's your mindset?", I said "There's 'happy me' and there's 'suffering me'."
    My mom heard everything!
    She later told her boyfriend about it.
    I did not like that. I've been having a battle with my internal demons for YEARS and I decide to be vulnerable and open up.... And she tells her bf?
    That was unnecessary.

    Just like if I do something in private and she sees, she calls her man and tells him about it. One time, I forgot to pull my pants up before bed, and she saw my "package" and walked in. She told her bf after the incident (as I overheard her saying because I woke up right after the incident) "What do you want me to do? LEAVE?"

    To be brief, I still hate my mom's boyfriend. The fact that he's married is a major red flag to me.

    I told my mom (which i now regret saying), "You should break up with him."
    Her: "It ain't gonna happen, k?"
    I cried for 2 hours after that.

    What can I do about all this?

    Her leaving me to be with him all day makes me depressed more, and miserable. I don't have anyone else besides my mom. My dad and grandma both are deceased. I do have half-sisters, but one is 39 and the other I've never met. I tried to approach her nicely about how I feel, and she just said "You should get out the house instead of worrying about what we're doing."
    Sidebar: My father (God bless the dead) was a user, and a loser; after my dad died, my mom dated our abuser. He abused both of us. He choked me twice, almost three times, and made 6 threats to kill me.
    I told her in our argument last night "My trust for you went out the door when you started dating [our abuser's name]"
    She said absolutely nothing.
    To this day, she picks bad choices in men. However, like my cousin said, it's not my business. He also said "Maybe her working 40 hour shifts, spending her time with [my mom's boyfriend's name], coming home, talking to you for 2 hours, and doing her second job makes HER happy."
    So should I say something else? Or should I stay out of their business like my cousin T said?

    I don't hate myself, but I still hate him (my moms bf).
    People have also said: "You are no longer her child, you are her grown a-- son" and "You're an adult, why does this bother you?"
     
  2. LaEsmeralda

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    It's your mother's decision to date this man, not yours. There's nothing you can do about it. I think you should definitely speak to her if you want to spend more time with her though. She might be so wrapped up in the buzz of a new relationship that she hasn't noticed that you feel like you've been pushed to second place.
     
  3. don29002

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    She is so wrapped up. I've tried talking to her plenty of times, and once she said "You need to get out of the house more instead of worrying about what we're doing." That was an insult.
     
  4. Gen

    Gen
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    Most people would agree that it is not ethical to date married people; however, there is much truth to your cousins claims that this is not your place. Regardless of whether people are within our family or outsiders, we have a right to confront them on their life choices only when they are in danger of harming themselves or they request our opinions. She has presumably been an independent adult for many years now. If she wants to be in a relationship with a specific person, then she will. You don't have to approve of it. You don't have to encourage it; but it is ultimately her decision and her life.

    I have no doubt that the other claim that was made by this cousin came across as very insulting, but I encourage you to consider it. There are many people who do not approve of the people that their love ones are romantically invested in. It is also completely reasonable to be frustrated with the lack of time that she dedicates to you because of it; however, becoming depressed and miserable within ourselves because of the relationships that others have found themselves in isn't a natural response. You have to ask yourself what your state of mind was before all of these events? Is it fair to say that this is the source of this deeply rooted unhappiness?

    Situations such as this can easily breed frustration and resentment, but the issues that you are struggling with internally almost certainly have another cause. Which is completely understandable given the bits of information that you have shared about your past, father, relatives, etc. At the end of the day, you have to work towards confronting and getting to the bottom of those issues; the issues that lie at the heart of why you are sitting at home upset and depressed whether she is present or not.

    Side Note: Cursing does not violate policy on this site unless it is directed at other members.
     
  5. don29002

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    Gen, I was talking with my mom last night about everything. I told her my stance on everything, which is that I still hate her boyfriend; however, I am unhappy but NOT because of her dating him. I'm unhappy for many, many other reasons, so me getting to the root of my internal problems means: a) being in a relationship; b) having a successful social media platform (One of those is a Youtube channel, where I tell stories of my life and magazine reviews, but not many people view my posts. My mom said a couple days ago 'You have to market yourself better', and I have no idea how.); c) One thing I can NOT do is personally forgive those that hurt me in the past. They don't even talk to me anymore, and I'm sure they don't even remember me, much less my name.