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Me, exclusion, bullying, and closetedness

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by don29002, May 6, 2015.

  1. don29002

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    I don't know how to say this. I honestly don't; but I'll explain it the best I can.

    I have always loved hearing gossip. Like who slept with who, who's addicted to what. My old neighborhood is great for this.

    No one in my old neighborhood gossips with me except for my cousin Q, and Q doesn't even come over my house that much anymore. She has 4 children (1 of which is in her custody, her 8 year old) and is busy with her man.

    I'm 18, and am certainly old enough to hear the gossip that all the adults talk about in my old neighborhood. The only other person who tells me these things is my mom--but she leaves details out, which I hate.

    I feel as though everyone in my old neighborhood has secrets (I will not post them here, because it's too much to explain in one EC post) and I have none. None worthy of gossiping about I mean.

    I was in a psych ward for 6 days after an intense bullying incident, which happened in front of my teachers but they denied knowing about it (they were way too busy teaching my class & I; as things were being said about me 2 feet away outside in the hallway, my teachers acted like nothing was going on. I told my guidance counselor about that [well, I had a medical condition that I was being bullied about, so I went to the nurse and she could no longer help me with it, so I started bawling crying. My vice principal walks in and referred me to my school psychologist. My SP wrote an email to all my teachers explaining my bullying situation and asked if they could help me. My Applied Math II teacher saw the email that was about me, and she uttered 3 feet from me, "WE are not discpline." and "I do NOT feel bad for him at all" after the whole class laughed at me.)

    I told my cousin a couple months ago--he was literally the first to know because I wanted absolutely NO ONE to know; however that day, I felt like I could open up to him.
    So I told him about my mental state and the psych ward incident--but he originally asked me "How's your mindset?" He asked that because he saw some posts I had made on Facebook. He calls them "depressing ass statuses"; my other female cousin calls them "a cry for help." I feel they are a cry for help. I do want someone to help me emotionally... But I feel like no one will.
    So, I forget what exactly he said. But my mom summed up what he told me, and she said (of what he told me) "Stop posting your feelings on paper. It's not cool."
    To which I said, "It's my Facebook. I can post what I want."
    He said, "It's SOCIAL media."
    Who gives a shit? I feel as though I can't be emotionally and mentally liberated from my demons unless I tell my story about what I've experienced, some of which is raw and unfiltered.

    Later, I told my mom I feared he would tell someone in my family (remember: all of my family gossips about each other; it's normal in my old community) and she said "Who would he tell? If he does, you say "Okay, are you gay or not?"

    The gay thing: The cousin who said "It's SOCIAL media" was molested by his brother a long time ago. I am 18, and that particular cousin is 3 weeks older than me. His brother made him s*** his d***. His brother (the molester, let's call him K and my cousin A) was put on probation and told not to be in the presence of anyone younger than 18 years old.

    K came to my old neighborhood. AND not only that (he had moved to a different town and was also told not to come back to my old neighborhood), but he came around my younger cousin A anyway. Ignoring the court order.
    He never got arrested for being around A after the molestation incident, however he did get arrested for drug posession, and was forced to go into a rehab program in prison. That's where K is now.

    SO, with that being said (after the rant lol), if A DOES tell someone, should I confront him about his alleged sexuality? If not, how should I confront him?
     
  2. Bolt35

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    Gossiping's a bad habit to get into, at least from my personal experience. it's pretty much the kind of thing where it eventually comes right back to bite you in the ass. chances are from this situation, he might open his mouth about it because people who are concerned about you, would want to understand why you post these "depressing posts" on your page that you view to be therapeutic. Though I don't know your cousin, I can't really say whether he could be trusted or not, so only you would know about it.

    Should you confront him at all? No. that's his decision to make, just as you made yours to talk about your mental state and incident. Molestation is an entire different issue from Bullying, and both are unacceptable, no matter what. I don't think he would be appreciative about bringing up a personal issue like that in a conversation, and it's a wound that doesn't heal fully. it's traumatic. you understand what's like to lay your personal baggage out to someone and how scary it is to think about the consequences that might come after. consider what he might feel right now. if all in all, you ignore my advice haha, just have a calm conversation about it, don't yell, scream, accuse, or have any kind of bad or derogatory attitude towards it.
     
  3. don29002

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    I completely understand where you're coming from. It's just when everyone else is doing it, it makes me feel all excluded and left out. Yeah, he might open his mouth--and I think I should respond in a way. If he did discuss my personal secret to my family, what should my reaction be? That's something I kept from people for many years, and if he yaps about it... I would probably just stop talking to him.

    Also, when you mentioned "it's a wound that doesn't heal fully", I didn't mean I wanted to bring up him being molested. I was wondering if I should confront him and ask if he's gay or not... or homophobic.
    He brought up the fact that he met a hermaphrodite at a party once. He thought it was "nasty"...
     
  4. armydude

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    Stop gossiping about people. Whatever shit they have going on isn't uoir business unless they tell you about it personally. I don't care how "normal in the neighborhood" it is, you shouldn't be this worked up about knowing other people's problems (which doesn't involve you).

    As for the Facebook thing, don't post feelings on there. It does you no good. Never admit a weakness publically, or anything that makes you vulnerable to judgement or scrutiny for that matter, if you dont have to.
     
  5. don29002

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    "Never admit a weakness publicly"--It's entirely good to open up and be vulnerable, so the rest of what you're saying, I will ignore.

    ---------- Post added 6th May 2015 at 05:22 PM ----------

    I forgot to say: I respect your opinion, but I will still do it. It's my business when they throw shade at me.
     
  6. Kaiser

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    That is going to make getting any kind of help difficult, if not impossible. You've got to drop that attitude, or else no matter what anybody says or offers to you, it won't do any good, because you'll just shrug it off, unless it reaffirms the victim complex you're harboring.

    Both, Bolt35 and armydude, gave you some pretty solid input.
     
  7. armydude

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    [/COLOR]
    I forgot to say: I respect your opinion, but I will still do it. It's my business when they throw shade at me.[/QUOTE]

    You are dead wrong bro. Maybe the bullying will stop if you don't put every vulnerability you have on display - Facebook style. The last poster had a great point about gossip too. Maybe people don't tell you shit because they know you're constantly talking about people behind their backs. Whhhhhhhooooooooaaaaaaaaaa..... it's all starting to make sense huh!!
     
  8. Justinian20

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    Hey mate, I think you need to realize that posting everything on facebook is a bad idea. You can post fun things on facebook but do not post too many things about being vulnerable and how you are feeling as many people see it as a target to attack. I'd say pick someone out of that group of friends and you can tell them your problems if you are sure that person is a very helpful and nice person. I was lucky enough to have this sort of friend. I would facebook message her what I was thinking and I would talk to her as well and she would be incredibly supportive and helpful to me. That is the person you should be talking to about your problems not everyone on facebook.

    ---------- Post added 7th May 2015 at 12:56 PM ----------

    I also wouldn't suggest gossiping about other problems, keep those problems to yourself I mean some people have told me things and I haven't told another soul about what they said.
     
  9. don29002

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    People would not emotionally attack me for saying how I feel. It's my profile, and I can write what I want. Really, it's all a cry for help at the end of the day.

    And armydude, the bullying was NOT because of my Facebook. You don't know me and what I've been through.
     
  10. armydude

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    Doesn't matter "who you are and what you've been through". The advice you're getting on here applies to everybody. Not to mention, I'm sure all the ppl on here including me have "been through" a lot. Having issues is not a f*cking competition, and nobody needs to hear the "I've had it harder than you" cop-out on a site where we're all dealin with some heavy shit day by day.
     
  11. Justinian20

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    But Don just listen to us, we are trying to help you. I want to help you. Don't post your feelings on Facebook, look for a person to tell those feelings to.
     
  12. Chip

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    Don,

    It seems you ask for input and advice, and then argue with people when they give it to you. If I'm remembering correctly, this is a long-standing pattern for you.

    So perhaps I'd be better off spending my time offering my input to someone who would actually appreciate it, but hey, sometimes you just gotta try anyway.

    First, gossiping, particularly about something as difficult and vulnerable as sexual abuse, is NEVER, EVER, EVER OK. No matter what. Just because other people are assholes who don't care about hurting others doesn't mean that you should 'join in' to avoid feeling left out. A better solution is to get the fuck away from people like that.

    Second, on the issue of posting publicly your feelings about facebook: Sorry, but you're not doing that to "vent and let go of your feelings." You're doing it to draw attention to yourself. I can say that with a high degree of confidence because (1) the use of social media as an attention-seeking device has been studied extensively, and what you're describing is textbook classic; (2) your past posting history is consistent with that; (3) People who know you well have essentially identified the same thing, whether they've phrased it that way or not, and (4) There's actually a lot of research looking at how best people can work through difficult emotions and feelings, and it's clear that public display of them is not effective. Admitting that it's "a cry for help" is, effectively, admitting that the whole exercise is an attention-seeking behavior. And that's something that anyone healthy will immediately run the other way from. They may not tell you, but they'll avoid you, or at least, not let you get too close. So it's not helpful to you, or to your desired outcome.

    I'm not saying this to make you wrong or hurt you or offend you, but to genuinely say "Look, if you actually want to improve your life, listen to what people are telling you."

    Lots of people have difficulty expressing challenging feelings. When we just put them out publicly for everyone to see, it's what Brené Brown calls "floodlighting." It isn't vulnerable, it doesn't help heal the feelings, and it definitely doesn't create the sort of two-way empathic connection where real healing can occur.

    What a lot of people do is write in a journal. (NOT an online one.) And it's a personal journal... one that they don't share with others, or maybe they share with one person with whom they have cultivated a relationship of authenticity and trust. Just writing the feelings out helps to get them out there. If it doesn't work for you because you aren't "getting the responses"... then you are seeking attention, not genuine release of the feelings. If it doesn't work because you aren't getting sympathy... then you're externalizing your own well being, and that isn't good, either.

    So as far as actually seeking help and processing the feelings, the most important piece is cultivating a friendship that is truly authentic, close, open, and vulnerable. This takes time; people have to earn the right to hear your story, and that happens only through a series of experiences and trust-building circumstances. Most people are lucky to have even one friend they can have this connection with, rarely does anyone have more than two.

    The "You don't know me and what I've been through" is actually a form of empathy blocking, as is the "I've had it way worse than anyone else." As Armydude said, suffering is not a competition, and no one is in a position to tell anyone whether his or her experience is better or worse, because every person handles situations differently.

    All of this stuff is tough, not easy to hear, and not easy to change. But it is, honestly, the only way you're going to make meaningful change in your situation. If you can make a commitment to start working on yourself and changing your behaviors, and carry through with the commitment (not so easy, but really important), I think you'll be surprised at how quickly you can make meaningful change in your life and situation.