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My marriage is falling apart...need advice

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by halleberry, May 14, 2015.

  1. halleberry

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    I am a 33 year old woman and have been married to my wife 5 years in June. We have been together over 6 years. We don't have any children yet other than the four legged kind. We have had issues for a while, mainly the same arguments, I can be lazy and she can be closed off. A couple of years ago she got sick requiring surgery and was out of work indefinitely. We decided it was a good idea for her to take that time as an opportunity to work from home and finally start her finance business. She has become really involved with an online finance network where she participates in the chat room and has made friends. One friend in particular (much younger bisexual female) she has developed feelings for and has even told me that she was falling for her. This was this past Sunday after I got home from my parents house for mother's day. She swears that their feelings came out of nowhere the week before. I am heartbroken and devistated. We had a very open discussion tonight and I realized how selfish I have been and haven't been there for her emotionally for a while. I have gotten into a bad habit of just shutting down when I get home from work and not wanting to talk. She has told me she's not sure what she wants and doesn't want to hurt the other girl. She feels she needs to let it run it's course. We have built a life together over 6 years and I have no doubt she is the love of my life and best friend. I don't know what to do since now we have separated in house (her request for space) and I'm left feeling hurt, confused, and like I have lost the most important person to me. After the self realizing train wreck I don't feel like I have the right to ask anything of her but all I want to do is fix our marriage. I cannot even begin to imagine my life without her. I just want my wife back and to fix what I have broken. Someone please help, any constructive advice is welcome.
     
  2. Kaiser

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    That is the most telling, of all of this. I'd be very concerned if somebody, I'd been with for quite some time, mentioned letting something like this run it's course.

    That's like somebody drowning and you saying, "Well, maybe you'll save yourself. Let's see how this plays out."

    How has any attempts to discuss this gone? Does it result in either of you not getting anywhere, or does it seem to push you away?

    Communication is the key here. Otherwise, you'll have to bank on something happening, to distort this developing ideal scenario with your wife.
     
  3. halleberry

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    I honestly feel like I have pushed her so far away from lack of being there for her and our lack of intimacy that this is my fault. I would never admit in past arguments of my complete wrong doing in our relationship and honestly didn't realize how bad I have been until tonight. All I want is to start working to fix our marriage and she wants time and space to sort her feelings out. I am so scared that no matter how much I try it's too late. She says she still loves me but had closed herself off and had partially fallen out of love with me. I don't know how to even function right now.
     
  4. Mero

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    I cannot sugar coat this for you dear.
    But I recommend just trying to spend time with her when you can.
    Don't be forceful, but don't be too passive.
    Just learn and improve.
    My advice is try to tell her how you feel, and maybe show her all the good memories you guys have shared, hand in hand.
    Let her know of your affection, if she still wants some space to cool off, that's fine.
    But if in the end, she wants to cut your ties...
    well just try your best to survive :c
     
  5. Andrew99

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    I'm very sorry to hear that. Have you tried marriage counseling?
     
  6. halleberry

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    I have told her many times how I feel and have apologized for my part in our problems. I told her I was open to marriage counseling and am more than willing to do what it takes to start fixing what I feel I have broken. I have never cheated or even come close, there isn't anyone else that I wan. I have only had eyes and feelings for her and now this online friendship she has with this 26 year old that has a boyfriend and she lives in Europe turned whatever she's feeling for her has become front and center of her decision on our marriage. I admit my wrongdoings but how does a 2 month online friendship/1 week of developed feelings trump our 6+ year relationship? Am i crazy for feeling like I pushed her into it? That's how I feel, like it's all my fault and now it might be too late.
     
  7. Kaiser

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    It's possible, though slightly immature, that this may be her way of reliving that spark she felt with you. Maybe she is expecting you to do something so amazing and so out there, it will "prove" you love her.

    Either way, as badly as you feel as as much as you want to fix things, the ball is in her court now. But she should know better than to mess with a married woman. It's kind of telling really, that she's dancing on the line of cheating, because some would interpret that as, well, if she's doing this to you, who is to say she won't do it to the 26 year old?

    Does this 26 year old know about you? And, if so, is she not acknowledging or respecting your relationship?
     
  8. halleberry

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    Yes the 26 year old knows about me. My wife has confided in her about things, but I don't know what she has exactly told her. Wed. night I tried something that was out of my norm by putting on sexy lingerie and waiting for her to come to bed after taking the dogs out. When she turned around to the bedroom door and saw me she had this freaked out oh crap face and my heart sank. She got ready for bed and attempted to kiss me but after a couple of weak kisses she tells me she started feeling sick. Today she chalked it up to her period starting which I can understand but the sting of her rejecting me is still there. It made me feel like I physically repulsed her but she swears it's not that and that I looked beautiful. I have never been an overly sexual person and can admit that. She tends to be grabby with me and it doesn't exactly make me want to make love so I tell her I don't like it and suggest maybe later but it doesn't happen. She usually ends up falling asleep on the couch or is "so exhausted" from her long day. The other girl she swears nothing has gone firther than admission of feelings but what about me? She doesn't want to hurt her but I am right here ready and willing to do anything I can to make fix our marriage. I have made a conscious effort all week to pull myself out of my normal need quiet time routine to give her my undivided attention and to try and bring thr initmacy back but it just feels like it's too little too late.
     
  9. Mero

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    From what I'm getting at, your wife must be really weak physically almost always.
    Maybe she's just tired mostly. But I'm still young and inexperienced.
    But do not stress yourself with dark imaginings,
    many fears are born of fatigue, misunderstanding and loneliness.
    Possibly you could try to contact that girl and get to know her.
    Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
    It hurts, but wounds take time to heal.
    Don't rush things, as reckless decisions could shatter your relationship entirely.
     
  10. halleberry

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    I'm leaving it to her. I don't want to try so hard it pushes her away even further. I have thought about contacting the other girl but I know my wife would get mad and upset. I feel like it's all my fault but I also can't help but think I shouldn't be alone in this. We hage both made mistakes over the years and have been through a lot of hard stuff together. She told me I have been different and more closed off since before we got married. Have I been so blind to see what I was doing or is she trying to justify her online emotional affair?
     
  11. halleberry

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    It's been a tough day with lots of crying off and on but we have had some decent conversations. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard :frowning2:
     
  12. Andrew99

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    You need to tell her how you feel everything you've said tell her that!